Partner hiding and lying about messaging ex

[Minelle]

I have recently discovered that my partner has been regularly messaging an ex of his. Don't get me wrong, a message here and there even with an ex is fine by my standards if you inform the person you are currently in a relationship with that they have contacted you or vice versa. Not all ex partners are people you need to go no contact with, and you can be friendly with them. However, this particular ex is a very toxic person. She has emotionally manipulated multiple men for sex and attention and then tosses them away. Anytime this person comes up in conversations with me, my partner, or any of our friends everyone agrees that she is absolutely no good for anyone.

After having one of these conversations about this person, I saw messages from her on my partners phone when he gave it to me to message another person for him. They were very recent messages and not just a few, but long conversations. I was so angry and hurt that he could agree with his friends opinions and my opinions of her and then hide the fact that they still talk. I confronted him about it and he lied to me saying he hasn't spoken to her for multiple years, which I know to be incorrect regardless of the recent messages I saw. As I pushed further he changed his story and said he hasn't spoken to her for multiple months, and again I did not believe him and he changed it to having spoken to her within the last week.

After a massive fight with a lot of screaming on both parts, he also informed me that he cheated on his last girlfriend with this same ex. I knew that he cheated before but never pushed for more information and only let him know how deeply it hurt me to know that he did that to his previous partner. Now knowing this extra information, coupled with hiding the nature of his contact, and then lying about it multiple times, I just don't know what to do.

Since I caught him and we had that argument he has said that he can't trust me, and that I am the one with insecurity issues. He packed bags and left and has said that the relationship is over, but then continued to message me saying that he loves me. How can I trust him ever again? How am I insecure when it's proven that he hides things from me and lies? I feel as though the only way we can repair the relationship is if he cuts all contact with this person, but I also believe you cannot ask that of someone because then it becomes like an ultimatum. I have never been in a situation like this before so any advice is appreciated.

[Fiatlux]

Hi Minelle,

Been there too many times with my liar, cheating husband.

You must give him the ultimatum, in fact most expert relationship advice will tell you that he should send his ex a message, spelling out the situation…

He is in a very happy and loving relationship and that the ex is not to ever contact him again.

Without trust, there’s no point to continue.

Good luck and take care.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Minelle,

We’re sorry to hear what you’re dealing with. We’re glad you could share this here.

If you'd like to talk things through, so please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here. You could also speak to Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277.

Thanks again for sharing here. We appreciate your kindness and openness in sharing to the forums, and we hope you can be kind to yourself, too while you’re going through this extremely difficult time.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[quirkywords]

Minnelle

Trust takes a long time to develop and a short time to lose in my opinion.

Calling you insecure is just being defensive and not being honest. There are helplines as Sophie has suggested,

You may need to think about what sort of a pstner you want, if he truly is sorry and wants to be with you, he needs to be totally transparent so you can develop trust again.

I am sorry you have been streamed like this, Feel free to keep posting here.

[tranzcrybe]

Leopards... Spots... it all comes down to compromise, not repair.

[geoff]

Hello Minelle, I am so very sorry this is happening, because I wonder whether or not you are able to believe anything he says.

There's no problem talking with an ex, as I do with mine, but the conversation revolves around our kids and nothing that needs to be hidden, it's all above board.

It's difficult to believe he can tell you that he loves you when put in a difficult situation and from what you've told us and from what he has done, trust with him is questionable.

He can tell you that connections will be cut but this doesn't mean he'll have another phone that's hidden away and used when he's in the car, at work or at a friend's place, so how can you believe anything he says.

I can't tell you what to do, however, a true partner will be honest and certainly love you to all extremes with a desire to communicate in both of your interests, that's where trust develops.

My best.

Geoff.