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Partner gone to UK during unplanned pregnancy, grieving
Hello, I am in need of some advice and your opinions on my situation. If I could just describe my situation first - I hope it isn’t too long-winded.
I have been in a relationship with my partner (not married) for almost 3 years. I was previously in a very abuse relationship for two decades which five years ago I finally left.
My partner lives in UK and since we have been together we have both travelled to see one another. As I have children, traveling can be quite difficult and so he has more frequently come to visit me in Australia.
Early February he came over for what we thought at the time would be a few weeks. When lockdown came in to affect he decided to stay here with me, which was great as we got more time together and he helped me with my children’s home schooling and we all seemed to make the most out of a difficult time.
During the last week of him being here my mother passed away in UK and this hit me like a tonne of bricks - the fact that I couldn’t travel to see her or attend her funeral caused me a lot of distress. I then discovered that I was pregnant. I discussed this with my partner and while he was caring, he kept affirming that he was going back to UK on the agreed date. I understood his desire to return to UK, but he also kept saying how he currently had no work to return to and acknowledged that his leaving would mean that we could not see each other for potentially a year due to travel bans, that I’d have to process the emotional impact of pregnancy alone and grieve my mother without his support. He admitted that there was nothing urgent or compelling for him to return to the Uk immediately for. We had also applied for a new visa for him while he was here and it had a few weeks left to be processed and probably granted - but the fact he went offshore meant his application was withdrawn and now has no visa.
I tried to be strong as I knew he wanted to go home, but as my distress over an unplanned pregnancy, my mother passing and all of the uncertainties in the world, I felt strongly that I just wanted him to stay, at least to decide what to do about my pregnancy and to be here to support me through a termination. He kept telling me that while he had no work and no commitments and not really much to go back immediately for, that he just felt the urge to go.
t was quite hard to take but I felt I couldn’t really make any more of a case for him to stay as I felt if death and pregnancy and current world uncertainties weren’t enough, then what else can I say or do! I also really did not want to have to persuade someone to staying he cared and loved me then he’d want to stay. I felt he should want to given all of the circumstances.
So he left early July and promised to be in touch via telephone and messages. It was a huge shock to be suddenly alone after all of those months together and to be in a state of grief over my mum and in shock about an unplanned pregnancy and the prospect of not being able to travel. I was a wreck when he left but he reassured me that he would be in close touch to provide support.
I heard nothing from him for 10 days after he left the airport. I was very distressed and concerned about him, not knowing what to think. It finally turned out that he had gone home and gone on an bender of drinking and catching up with friends - blanking me out and putting me through so much worry.
Fast forward to now, we are speaking over the phone, but it is so difficult as I am facing a termination, still having issues with some of my UK family over my absence at my mums funeral (they don’t seem to understand the travel restrictions here) and while I need and want to be in touch with him, it is so difficult to speak to him now that he is seemingly carefree and tells me he’s been out to the pub all night in British summertime, catching up with friends..while I desperately needed his support here, even if only a few more weeks. It just hurts as I really needed the support and given that we are now separated indefinitely, I can’t help but be upset that he has essentially left me to deal with all of this alone while he chills out in UK and enjoys his summer...meanwhile I am sick, overworked, facing a termination alone (which due to my abusive past absolutely terrifies me, and he knows this) and grieving the loss of my mum.
Am I wrong to have wanted him to stay? Am I being unfair? What does it take for someone to just care enough to want to support me..I just feel broken. I just can’t help but feel abandoned at my time of great need, and for what? A drink in the pub?
Any comments or advice would be great. Thanks and sorry it is so long. x
Thankyou for so much detail which all helps.
I can’t see the commitment in this man for you. I can see his need to return to his lifestyle in the UK as being his real home and it appears he won’t break free of that anytime soon.
My opinion? I think you are wasting your time with this fellow. That’s based on what you’ve written.
Relationships demand a minimum of basic expectations and responsibility. Your pregnancy is his as well. But it seems he’s left it all to you.
No, I think you are justified to doubt your future with him.
Thank you for having the courage to write and post up your story. That would have taken a lot of courage, and I can see that you have a lot of strength within yourself to keep going every day. I can well understand that hurt and grief you are going through at this time; those words actually don't seem anywhere near good enough to convey the depth of betrayal you are probably experiencing right now.
Quite frankly, this is absolutely unforgivable behaviour on his part. I would call it reprehensible. He gets you pregnant, your mother dies, and he leaves because he doesn't feel like dealing with any of it, and would rather go on a bender. I don't want to be harsh here, but the truth is he's an absolute waste of space. And I'm sad because I know you're hurting like crazy because you had so many hopes and dreams of the two of you together, and he's shattered them in showing what a terrible person he is and leaving you at one of the worst, most stressful times of your life.
I have noticed that there can be a bit of a path with people recovering from abusive relationships - we may be extremely careful about not ending up with a guy who hits us, and we know the red flags we're looking for, and we swear blind it'll never happen again. And then we end up with losers, who while they don't hit us, are still just wasting our time and taking everything they can get from us, be it time, emotion, sex, or money - essentially they use us and throw us away. And I like to think that this is natural and the next step in our journey to recovering ourselves; the next person we date will be better again, because now we have a whole new set of red flags - perhaps the key to improving it each time is to work on continually improving our sense of self-worth, so we know we are better than the guy we chat to on tinder who seems to think it's ok to ask you to have a beer with him in a park, instead of meeting for dinner (yes that has happened to me, lol).
You are absolutely right to feel abandoned, and I hope this man ends up realising what he threw away so easily, and regrets it forever. But he may not, because it sounds like he has the emotional depth of a mandarin, and you need to deal with the here and now.
I would really encourage you to try and find a counselor to discuss the issues with, and how you can make new steps to go forward. I wish you every success, you certainly deserve it.
I've read your post a few times and besides the obvious jock actions of this person, a few things stood out....
....at the start of your pregnancy you wanted him to help you decide what to do about it, so there was indecision.... maybe you had hopes of becoming a family together?
... also I think I get the abusive past bit triggering you with the termination... yeah happened to me too.
What really stands out for me and hopefully for you too is the massive red flag that your bf really had "nothing much" to return to the UK for, but that THIS "nothing much" was far more important than you and staying here.
Another thing is that you seem to now be asking him to just hold on for a while longer until after you have the termination... is this correct?
It wouldn't surprise me if you deal with all this all by yourself, then...
borders open, then...
bf arises once more.
Hate to say this but for MANY people overseas, Australia is a brilliant place to hope to live one day. Don't be this person's "Green Card". I bet he had free accommodation while he stayed with you too.
I wrote this tonight on another thread, it's apt for you right now.. "When someone SHOWS you who are they, believe them the FIRST time".
TEN days of no contact with a woman carrying your child, who is distressed, grieving and exhausted? But to go on continuous benders instead of manning up?
Nup. A fair weather friend with zero empathy and compassion.
I agree with everything in the previous posts.
I hope you have a support person to accompany you for the termination and be with you while you recover. Huge hugs. You deserve a million times better than this.
Hello Iannamc, thanks for posting a very difficult thread and deeply sorry about the your mum passing away in a year that restricts our movements both in Australia as well as overseas.
You have every right to explain your circumstances to not being able to travel, I only hope they send you some heartwarming memorabilia.
What the good people above me have said about this chap living in the UK have said it all, he has used you in many regards and there is no honesty or any generosity with his thoughts or behaviour in a time where you need support.
A man who wants to go back o/s to drink with his mates and forget about his pregnant girlfriend is not a person you could ever rely on.
Can I ask if you do have someone who you want to go with when you decide on termination?
Hello, thank you all so much for your replies and comments, I really appreciate it all as I always feel so uncertain in terms of my feelings about how I am treated and doubt myself so much, probably as a result of abuse and existing in such a confused state for so long..I am basically someone who feels like no matter what happens to me, it isn’t very serious, if that makes sense, so I constantly question my feelings and often feel like I am not justified or have the right to be upset.
I think you have all articulated really well how I am feeling and affirmed that it is not ok for him to treat me in this way. I really do feel used and dropped in such a bad state, and for him to go away and ignore me for days on end creating even more distress and worry only to end up drinking and socialising.
in terms of a termination, I did want him to stay with me for another week or so, in order for me to process all of the news of my mum passing and this unplanned pregnancy, but he wouldn’t hear of it. I have confided in one close friend so I may have her support to help me through this when the time comes.
ecomama, yes you’re entirely right, he did stay with me and have free accommodation and I did everything I could to share my home, my life, and resources I had and finances all throughout him time here, so it does feel particularly hurtful that I now feel like I am not even worth a single phone call for 10 days after his leaving, given all of the circumstances. It’s just not okay.
In terms of moving forward, I just don’t know. Things being the way they are with border closures and travel bans pretty much seal our fare anyway, but I also know I just can’t trust someone who had the ability to treat me in this way. I find it immature and uncaring and completely selfish. It hurts me deeply as I thought this was my new start, a second chance, but it doesn’t seem like it will be. Life is pretty difficult at the moment - and I know this is the case for many people, but to have someone here for that length of time, making promises to be in contact and me sharing all I have for months on end, only to be spat out at the end of it all in this state is just heartbreaking.
Thank you again for all of this, it helps me to realise what i intuitively felt is not just me overacting, but it’s true and that his behaviour and treatment of me isn’t acceptable.
Hi ecomama, thanks for your reply it really helps and I’m so grateful.
Yes, when I found out I was pregnant I asked him tentatively (and I say tentatively because he was really heavily fixed on leaving regardless of anything including the news we received of my mums passing)..and he very quickly became irritated and said he must return no matter what. I tried to explain that I needed a few days to process all of this news and to at least figure out what to do, but he wouldn’t have any of it. He did promise to support me via calls and messages, but that also was not followed through with as he ‘disappeared’ for 10 days after leaving - not reading any messages, not answering calls and not making any to me. It was devastating and took my levels of distress through the roof.
Thanks again for your message, it’s really helped. x
I am so sorry for not expressing my deepest condolences earlier for your mum's passing overseas. My heartfelt condolences for this sad time.
I'm really sorry you're going through such hard times.
THIS IS a very difficult time for you. It would be difficult for ANYONE under the same circumstances. You are NOT exaggerating the depth of the issues.
I do understand the effects of abuse and trauma and how we may think during and afterwards.
No. You are NOT exaggerating anything.
The way bf abandoned you at the time you needed most with no contact seems pretty close to the Narcissistic Discard phase - use you all up then ghost you. You can google this to see if it fits then look at all the ways you can support yourself to recover from the abuse. And or see a Counsellor / psychologist for more ongoing support which would be wonderful for your actual "fresh start".
I'm surprised at the lack of empathy from your family overseas. what the....??
You need to treat yourself as you would a close friend during this time. Kristen Neff has lots of nice clips online to listen to in a hot bath when the kids are asleep.
Please be kind to yourself. You WILL recover.
Thank you ecomama, you are so kind and true. Please don’t apologise for condolences, your reply was so helpful and I did write a very long winded post, I’m just grateful for people like you who are willing to give your time to reply, it means a lot to me.
Thanks also for the suggestions of resources. I actually thought earlier that I might take a long relaxing bath, so I will look the info you have suggested up. Small steps, but important ones.
Again, thank you so much for all of this. I hope you are taking great care of yourself also. x
I also am deeply appreciative for this safe space and the generous members and ALL the Sophie_Ms lol.
I know you'll look back at this time and be so proud of yourself. Reach out here as often as you want to or need to. There are beautiful threads on the Wellbeing area. They keep my head above water when I need them.
It must be hard. Breathing through this is important. I was comforted to read that a friend may support you through the termination. You'll need help with the kids too, I hope there are others to help you. I wish I was your neighbour and could help you.
How are you feeling overall?
Have you been able to communicate with bf and / or UK family much?