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Partner blames me for depression
Hi dani 2918
i have been married to my partner now for 2 years and already feel like I’m at the same place and felt like this before we even got married. Though I am the same as your husband with my actions. And I’m scared and worried because I hate being this way. I feel lost and unsure and like a horrible person constantly pushing away and blaming my husband for just being himself. It’s not a nice way to live or love in a relationship. Unfortunately I have no insight into the topic as I think as are both on opposite ends of the spectrum.
Welcome to the forum, it's a good place to come to when you find a partner has depression. That way you can rely upon other's experiences to let you know at least a bit of what to expect.
Before gong any further I'd like to ask if you saying "He's punching me away" is a typo or if in fact he is violent. If that were the case it would put a very different light on the matter- there is never any excuse for violence.
When I had been in the grips of depression it is true I did not feel that I loved my partner, or anyone. In fact I was so remote from myself that I did not even know what love was or if I was capable of it. In addition I was angry and wanted to be alone, mainly because being with others was simply too much pressure. If felt lots of other things, but that will doto give you an idea.
Frankly no matter what I never blamed my partner- or anyone else at all. I blamed myself.
I guess at the moment there is only so much you can do. Certainly encouraging him to go with medical treatment is most important. In my own case reassurances from my partner that she was always going to be there for me made a big difference, even if I wanted to be alone -I know, not very logical.
At the moment there is a great deal of pressure and worry on your shoulders. Do you have to face all this alone or is there someone to help and support you - a parent or friend perhaps? Trying to keep going in isolation is especially hard.
In my own case wth time and treatment I returned to having a loving relationship. I guess it is quite possible from what you say your husband might too.
Please feel you can talk here anytime
Hello Dani, depression means loneliness and being in a partnership/marriage over the years our lives change, it has to, we have kids, buy a house and we get older, need to wear glasses, so our love and affection changes to another level, we can't remain on 'cloud 9', it just can't last, but that doesn't mean we don't love each other, it's shown in a different way.
People decide they want to be alone when depression strikes them, only because they don't want to answer any questions that are directed towards them, so your partner doesn't know and the easiest way is to move out and blames you for something that may not be right.
Don't give up on him, his mood will vary, and it's him coming to you that is important, and this will eventually happen, but in his own time.
I am yet to meet someone in a depression who didn't ask the question 'How did it all go so wrong?' Of course, with questioning, analysis begins in one form or another. Often, the people closest can cop much of the blame; there can be some resentment toward who we perceive as being 'our rescuer' (from depression), especially when our rescuer is not doing their job. In truth, although no one external can rescue us, they can guide us in a variety of positive ways. To put it simply, when the battle is internal, our guides can only act as battle strategists - they can't fight the battle for us.
You don't have to be a huggy kissy person to express love and support. I'm a rather non-demonstrative person myself when it comes to the affection side of things, yet I'm very loving and supportive when it comes to investing myself in the lives of others. We all demonstrate love in different ways. Although not always thrilled about it, my husband accepts my nature which is admirable seeing he is a very huggy kissy sort of guy. The reason for me mentioning this is based on my husband being a happy content man, despite the limited affection. In other words, it's not a lack of hugs and kisses the brings about depression in someone's life, it's the lack of self-worth. So, I ask why it is your husband may be feeling worthless. Are there a variety of issues in his life which leave him feeling worthless?
Lastly, depression/internal battle is expressed in a number or ways - anger, control issues, lethargy, disconnectedness (from life and people), mood swings, periods of sadness, despair, self-hatred, frustration, an inability to feel gratitude and the list goes on and on. When the chemistry in our head is doing its torturous thing, it can all seem a little out of control or a lot. Seeking help from someone who understands the chemistry is the most productive strategy within such a battle.
Take care of yourself Dani and try not to take your partner's internal battle personally
Its extremely important that you look after yourself at the moment. My boyfriend broke up with me in the middle of his depression. I spent so much of the time trying to find out answers, analysing everything he said and did. None of it made sense. A lot of it still doesn’t.
He is on the mend now. Still worried about where his headspace takes him though. Yesterday I went to the doctor and I have depression and anxiety. I was so consumed by him that it took over me.
if you can, go and talk to a psych yourself. Keep busy. Try and not let your mind race with thoughts. He will come back to you but you need to be in a healthy headspace as well.
Thank you for coming back and explaining. I can understand how you feel when the person you love is cold and unfeeling, it is so hard not to see it as personal, Love gone away. and then to react to that. After all if it was true then it would change your whole life and be heart-breaking.
As I mentioned before in my case love was not dead, just masked so I did not know it. That might sound pretty odd, however so is depression I guess. There realy is a lot of pressure comes from people. It may be hard to explain but habit and instinct make one know one should respond, while at the same time the mind is so full and preoccupied with the depression there is no room, ability, concentration or energy to spare. That conflict makes things harder, so being by oneself becomes an instinct, and in my case led to resentment and anger.
I've no real idea what your situation is of course, would it be easier if he was around and you gave him lots of space, or would that simply be too hard?
You are the other half of this horrible time and have needs to and need looking after, you also have the pressure of looking after the kids. I'm very glad you have supporting people around you, it sure makes a difference