Parental alienation

MoanaMarie · ‎18-01-2022

Hi everyone,

I am hoping to make contact with other parents who have or are experiencing parental alienation. It is so very hard to deal with this, and especially when everyone you know has at least some sort of relationship with their child. In my case, I am unable to have a relationship with my 40 year old son. There have been difficulties for many years, and over the years he has become increasingly erratic and abusive. He has a long standing issue with drug use and he lives on the streets. He no longer works and has had criminal issues as well. The rest of the family have written him off years ago but I have continued to try to maintain a connection, but it has become too abusive with threats of harm and violence towards me. So I have to stop now.

My family are supporting me, and I also have a counsellor I see each week. But even with all that support I still feel terribly sad and worried about him. I worry he will end his life or somehow harm himself. He has no friends, is very much a loner. He is delusional and very grandiose and a lot of the time is clearly not seeing things for what they are. He will not agree to any form of mental health support or care. I have tried on several occasions to get him mental health assessment and support but he will not participate in it at all. He has no wish to have a relationship with any of the family.

It is so hard to accept that a child you love does not have the same feelings for you as a parent, and hard to accept that he does not want me or any family in his life and he is not interested in help of any sort, other than financial. I would like to hear from any other parents with similar experiences. I feel I am caught in endless grief and worry even though I cannot do anything. I feel powerless and helpless and alone. This situation has gone on for more than 20 years but worse than ever now.

Thank you for reading this.

Sophie_M · ‎18-01-2022

Hi MoanaMarie,

Welcome to our friendly online community, we are so glad you decided to join us here. We know it can be hard to write the first post, so thank you for having the courage. We are sorry to hear that your son has experienced many issues and that these have been difficult for you as a parent. It is hard trying to support someone you love and feeling very powerless in the situation, especially if you notice the situation getting worse.

We are glad to hear that you are receiving professional help from a counsellor and that you have other family to support you. We would also like you to know that our friendly counsellors are available through our Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

You are not alone here, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel ready.

Summer Rose · ‎18-01-2022

Hi Mona Marie

Welcome to the bb forum.

I read your post and deeply felt your heartbreak, I’m so sorry about the situation that has developed between you and your son.

You sound like an amazing, kind and loving mum who certainly does not deserve to be treated so poorly. You are very brave to have taken action to protect yourself. I can’t even begin to understand how difficult that must have been for you.

I feel for your son, too. I’m sure he’s not the man he wants to be right now and the hardships he’s experiencing are really tough. Such a sad time for him.

A family member of mine had the same sort of complex issues—pot addiction triggering paranoia coupled with alcoholism, divorce, a new and highly undesirable partner leading them to commit crime. The family did everything possible to help.

Money, the booking of countless psychologist appointments that were never attended and multiple offers to organise rehab. It was all rebuffed.

It took some 25 years but he eventually clawed back his life. He’s now re-married, has a child and full time employment.

I guess what I’m saying is there’s always hope for your son. But for now, you need to live your best life. I hope with support that you will be able to do this.

I am a parent of two adult children but have never been in your situation. I’m posting to let you know that you’ve been heard and that someone cares and wants to support you.

My post will also push yours “up to the top”, where I’m hoping someone who has walked in your shoes will read it and respond.

Kind thoughts to you

MoanaMarie · ‎20-01-2022

Thank you Summer. I so appreciate your message and your kind words actually brought me to tears. This feels like such a sad and lonely place I inhabit right now and I really do appreciate your support.

Yes, my son is in a very sad place and I do feel so helpless - I just wish him peace and happiness and dignity. All things that he does not have at the moment.

Thank you for the story of your friends son - I am so glad to hear that he has been able to get things on track again. For that to happen for my son would make me just the happiest mum on earth.

thank you again,

MoanaMarie