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Parental alienation **Trigger Warning**
This is such a difficult topic for those of us who've suffered from the abuse known as Parental Alienation. And abuse of their children.
For me it didn't happen ONLY from exH but his "allies" did alot too.
Tonight I am SO SAD about this. Eldest D blew up at me tonight about leaving all the children with abusive people, she said she hated me for what I had done. I didn't do anything. "Hate" is a banned word in our home - usually.
I NEVER knew they were being abused, how could I? NO ONE TOLD ME. Everything about the children under 18 has been reported to Police but for the adult children I offered to support them to report but they said no. Now this must have built up inside them and exploded again tonight.
I am powerless because I know nothing about that abuse and they have to report being over 18.
I didn't think my heart could break all over again about this but it has.
The outright lies the abusers told my children still linger in their minds. Some of these lies were said for over a decade and I only found out this year. The children were manipulated into believing them. Things changed when my youngest D studied "how to tell a liar" and proceeded to test both me and others for weeks, then she reported her 'findings' to us all at once. I passed every time. The abusers failed every time.
I fought for all the children in Courts and won 100% care but the damage is so deep.
I feel all the familiar feelings of depression and hopelessness flooding in. I'm trying to hold onto the MH gains I've made but omg this is horrifying to me and I feel devastated all over again.
It's like ALL the abuse they suffered is taken out on me. Angry outbursts from my children still at home has reduced to almost zero. I organised Counselling and we support each other. We have a calm life. Then the adult children come over and anger is infused here. Sometimes they haven't spoken to us (mostly me) for months at a time. Keeping the grandchildren away and doing other strange and horrible things that they know hurt me deeply.
I've given them everything I have. Years ago I was suicidal over this without knowing what was going on. The abusers had turned my entire extended family against me and my children also. I was so confused and completely alone.
If you've gone through this, did anything heal your relationships?
what is “normal” for turmoil in a family?
A few years ago I wrote a post (do we expect s smooth road in life?) and the theme was whether we expect all to go easy and smooth when in reality that is rare.
My family has had issues. My eldest niece joined a religious cult at 14yo and has never left which resulted in our family split in two. My sister doesn’t see her grandsons. My youngest daughter displays her mother’s narcissism hence I have no relationship. My sister and I don’t see our mother that mimicked BPD. She manipulates, ruins weddings and controlled our minds.
Like your situation maintaining sanity is difficult. Missing out on grandchildren is agonising and wanting harmony always a dream.
How has my sister and I survived? Focussing in what we have, not what we’ve lost. Cutting ties with any toxic person. Exercising our rights to a calm lifestyles surrounded with loving people.
Yes, I think about my daughter but remind myself of her disrespect and emotional games. I think about my niece but remind myself of how at 14yo she made up stories of abuse by members of our family that never happened so she could move in with her pastors family. And I recall the nurturing of my mother when I was a child that dissolved when she found our adulthood too much to bare.
Without referring to your specific situation I think you can also find peace by at least limiting contact with the added introduction of distraction- filling your life with activities whatever they be.
Thankyou Tony WK
Like you I don't expect a smooth ride in life lol, I was born in a war torn country so it was 'all go from the get go'.
I've also been described as having the 'patience of Job' as in of Biblical proportions, but in reflections of this so called 'patience', I'm thinking this morning that it has just made me a door mat for others to wipe all their sh***y boots on.
I think of love as verb, to give service to others but I'm ALSO thinking that it has caused me to lose tremendous amounts of my MH.
Last night I felt the depression thundering in like tidal waves and each time I woke last night I cried. My eyes look like boulders this morning lol. This morning I went to my safe place at the water's edge and just cried my eyes out. I envisioned walking into the water and having it usurp me. It didn't feel safe like it used to.
I guess that's what family is SUPPOSED to be in Fairy Tales - SAFE.
So I abruptly went home lol. If I have any more of these ideations, I'm calling a helpline.
Sundays are hard. I think I have an entrenched problem with Sundays, on TOP of what happened last night.
There aren't alot of choices in my life at all atm. Just necessities which I've usually taken on okay.
Still, I can look at the glass half full but today I might have to list them all because the cup seems empty.
My children are all breathing and where there is breath, there is hope. Even if it's false hope, Hope Anchors the Soul.
If there is one thing that I have learnt; you can't change the past. The damage has been done; the more you try to defend yourself against the lies and exaggerations the worse things become. In the eyes of an abuser (eldest D), a defense is an admission of guilt.
You know that you have done your best, and that is all that matters. With the benefit of hindsight, our lives would have turned out differently.
I think Tony(WK) is on the money; focus on "what we have, not what we’ve lost".
Hang in there, you are a strong woman.
Thankyou for your kind words Mr Paul.
No indeed we can't change the past.
I've not looked at my phone today, contrary to my psychs advice I AM avoiding that today. I might just ignore all ACs texts for the whole week. I'm sick of their bs tbh.
It's so true that the more we attempt to "put them straight" the more tangled in the web we get.
Years ago I tried SO HARD and got so depressed over it and my Counsellor told me to stop.
She said I needed to just be consistently and persistently myself lol, my SELF wants to scream from the highest mountain about the injustices of everything. YELL, SCREAM, and get all my fury out at this. It's beyond unjust, it's completely unfair also.
If only the truth could shine through and cleanse everything.
I panicked this morning at the feeling of losing all the gains I've made in my own MH recently.
I retreated into myself today. Listened to a meditation CD and slept and slept for hours. I don't have the strength for confrontation.
My children who live with me still and my home and family here are my priority. Also holding onto my MH.
I suggested we (younger children and I) book a few days "away" nearby which is kinda crazy because I'll be driving all the kids back and forth for work etc lol. But a change of scene seemed a refreshing idea and my youngest D who has had terrible anxiety and depression over S.A. was excited. I offered to take a friend of hers with us and she was happy at that idea. She hasn't had sleepovers since disclosing years ago. There's a pincode entry to the place so THAT'S GREAT lol.
I also thought of a way to get youngest D more intensive Trauma Psych therapy. As sweet as her current psych is, she's just not bringing much to the table. Youngest D seemed keen on this. She asked for what I'm having lol.
Plus she opened up more to me last night. She absolved any blame on me. My heart is broken regardless but I was comforted that she doesn't blame me.
Thankyou for saying I'm strong.
Somebody taught me a trick once-
say less and say it with a question.
eg. In terms of someone claiming abuse by another person- “and what is your expectation of me now, what would you like me to do”?
I spent $15,000 on my daughter getting her jaw aligned and orthodontist work when she was 15yo. Around the same time her older sister spent hours each Sunday night in a city railway station around midnight waiting for a country train so I purchased a $3000 car for her.
My youngest wasn’t happy and after 10 years of no contact she arrived unannounced and demanded $3000 to make things even.
My response- “I’m not giving you money, after giving you a million dollar smile do you think it is reasonable to want money”? She said “s good father would” my reply “ when you were 20yo and in hospital I heard about your back operation. I rang to visit you and you refused. Was I your father then?”
Less has more impact
wit, the only answer for torment
I have no advice or anything. But wanted you to know I care. You seem so colourful and nice.
Dear Tony WK
WOW just wow. Dear God where do these kids come from?
Eldest D seems much the same as your youngest D, do you think it's overblown entitlement?
I also spent $30 000 on her orthodontics, dentistry and jaw alignment work. This morning I had a dream about her entitlement 10y ago wanting more, more, more. I've always given so much but stopped at some points - it was like an empty bathtub that could never be filled no matter how much I poured in. My subconscious is trying to remind me! lol. Tbh she has had FAR more financial help that I could ever afford for the others.
IDK we did our best as parents.
Last night I read the whole book "The Four Agreements" and I learnt alot. Doing your best is a key thing.
I know I couldn't have done any better, the kids have most definitely had my very best.
I think I've always tried to "make up" for what their fathers didn't give. And they didn't give anything lol but they most certainly destroyed my work.
Creative vs destructive energies.
Good vs evil.
Yeah it's a good strategy to form a statement into a question but ughhh the answers can be putrid lol.
THIS is what happened on Sat night.
I asked "what more could I have done?" and the answer was as black as the devil.
It was EXACTLY word for word what the abusers have accused me of and yet I did not do those things.
They KNOW this. They also know what hurts me the most.
One of the Four Agreements is.... drum roll... lol... "don't take anything personally"... mmm. Anything?
Yes anything. So as I try to disentangle myself from these cruel words, now knowing exactly WHAT my ACs think of me, I know I'm grieving for them. They aren't the children I thought they were. I'm grieving for an illusion.
I know their false affection was a cover. I could see a duplicitous look in their eyes anyway. Now it's confirmed to me why.
I feel deceived and betrayed all over again.
But there it is.
My children at home have exams all week and I'm glad to be on leave for them.
My physical health has been deteriorating fast the past few days and I feel extremely unwell.
I've been focussing on well health and making huge adjustments to my diet and doing healing meditations.
I bought more books yesterday (replacement some that were stolen) and hopefully they will help guide my full recovery.
This morning I've made appointments to have a procedure done and book some others in too.
Moving on is the only thing for me to do.
Thankyou for your wise words.
Thankyou for your kind words of support and caring.
IDK why I need to share this with you but I know there's something happening on an "alternative field".
Those 2 dreams I had last week 1) I woke up with a black eye 2) I woke with stomach cramps that haven't left yet and get very sharp at times.
In that book I bought and read on impulse yesterday, it says something like "If we take things that others say personally then we take IN their poison". I know I was chemically poisoned for years by exH my medical records are testimony to that. The internal injuries have remained and pain me alot.
But exH was dark. I know he practiced dark arts by the 'little' things he told me.
I'm fine with all that. He's gone. I lived lol. But I think he's doing other things. EG assaulting me in my dreams and I wake with physical injuries. My stomach is so dreadfully bloated. Discomfort is worse. He's doing more evil.
SO just before I replied to you lol, I lit a huge white sage Smudge Stick and went into every room of our home smoking it from corner to corner. Then went out onto the road lol! And walked around the boundary of my property and the front of our sweet elderly neighbour's property. THEN down the back and through the leaves, sawn branches etc. I noted the LIFE growing in my garden through the devastation and ruins there. I picked 2 oranges to eat for my breakfast.
I remembered violent events in each place and said "be done". I am DONE. Oh funny thing just happened, the psych from my Counsellor's office phoned to check in lol, it's a blessing that she's Christian and 'gets' the good vs evil stuff. Anyway she's great lol.
Maybe it was the walk lol 😉 but I do walk alot every day. I can't sit still for too long! I'm pretty sure I have A.D.D. - well I know I do without a formal diagnosis. But my stomach became less constricted. It began to relax.
All the quantum field is an area I thought I would be safe from. Well I am now by realising it all.
Time to get to work!
Hope you're doing okay Shelley?
Oh you are so beautiful Em, I love the way you express yourself. That is what I meant by you being colourful.
The part where you said you walked around and said "be done" sounds like a letting go of all those violent experiences. Be done with it, I shall remember no more. This will no longer affect my being. I am precious and then out springs a new life in you. A new life out of all the ruins. A freeing life, gone are all the shackles that held you back.