Pain and torture- inlove with an ex who gives nothing back.

[Shelbie]

Hi all, so my ex partner and I broke up 6 months ago as he has really bad mental issues which made him cheat on me once and just change personalities so he ended it to stop hurting me. We still talk everyday and would be together if we could. I am so inlove with this boy but it’s like he’s died, he’s a complete different person, he hasn’t no feeling so for anyone or anything anymore, and loving him is so painful. I’m in pain everyday, it is torture. I can’t stop loving him, and im depressed over it as I get nothing from him. Everyday is a struggle for me, I know I can’t be with him, how do you live loving someone you can never be with? I’d rather endure physical pain than be tortured with this everyday of my life, I’m so done, I don’t know how to go on with this anymore, it’s been 6 months of endured torture.. I’m at my whits end with this situation and im not strong enough to let go.. I’ve tried..

[JessF]

Hello Shelbie, this is a common and sad story. Your problem, I believe, is not that you are in love with your ex: you are in love with a person that does not exist.

Why do I say this? Well, by your own admission, this is someone who gives "nothing back" to you. Your needs are not being met. Yet you are still in love - what is it that you are in love with? It is clearly not the person in front of you, but the person you want him to be. He is not that person, and yet you are playing mental gymnastics to make him into that person - for example, saying that he cheated on you because of "mental issues" and not simply because he is a selfish person with little care or regard for you.

You don't have to let go of the idea of finding someone who is right for you. You do need to let go of the idea of attaching those feelings and desires to someone who is not capable or willing to provide you what you need in return.

Often we cling to people who hurt us because we don't believe we are truly worthy of affection, so hanging on to the hurt is part of us believing inside that we deserve all that we get. Don't make this a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[GoodWitch]

Hi Shelbie

I have no expertise with being in a relationship with someone with mental illness, but I have been like most people in love with a person who didn't love me back. It is difficult to let go of the idea of a relationship with a person who makes you feel all the 'in love' feelings, you just want it all to be real so badly. It's impossible to imagine your adoration can be one sided, but maybe in this case yours is. I feel for you, but it seems like JessF is right, you are in love with the idea of a person, not the actual person. There's an old saying when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Mental illness or not, this man cheats on you, takes from you and doesn't give back, and this may well be his real personality. If so loving him will always be painful, even if you do find a way to be together. Love should make you feel good about yourself, not bad. If it's the latter, it's not real love but a type of emotional poison and you are better off without it.

My best advice would be to put distance between you, physically if you can. Also stop communicating with him via phone or text. Unplug from the toxic relationship so you can heal and in time you will likely find someone who will treat you well. Good men are out there but you won't find one if you are obsessing over this man who has already hurt you so much. You do deserve better, even if in your heart of hearts you're not certain of that. I am. Put your emotional health first and the pain will ease.