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Packing up my mums memories.
Hi TA, welcome
I understand your situation. I have my thoughts but it is based on your post and rarely do we get enough information to make judgememt.
Are you being selfish? I wouldnt put it that way. Id suggest you are not or have not, walked in your fathers shoes.
So lets walk in them.He had a very long marriage, lost his lifetime love, survived suicidal thoughts then found love. What a roller coaster.
His relationship with this lady and the extent that she committed to your family wasnt to your liking but really it was for them to be happy with their arrangement. This lady was interested in him not his extended family. This is common. For anyone to object to that is having expectations. Considering his suicidal mind not that long ago, the loss of his wife etc, he finding someone he could spoil and care for was life changing.
He needed your blessing i.e. " if you are happy dad, I'm happy"
From then on he was elusive and secretive. He might feel you dont care about his needs.
re: ". I thought maybe it would be good for us to say goodbye as a family".. this is expectation. What about what he wants.? Grief is an individual right, he sounds like it would be too painful.
I would take time off work to do the clean out. I would also do what I had to do to reverse any hurt I'd created. Its never too late.
You asked the question and I've answered it in a way that I feel has the best chance of you regaining the love of your dad.
Good luck. Its never too late.
Hey TA, welcome to the BB forums 🙂
Wow, that’s a tough situation. My take would be, he spent 12mth grieving for your Mum. Then found the younger woman - sometimes when people are grieving, they have an urge to really feel alive, and to a certain extent “ignore” the loss (I haven’t expressed that very well, but I hope you understand the general idea). So, when he gets to the point where grieving might be coming to and end, they break up and he meets someone more “suitable”.
I suspect he got angry with you because he had a sense of guilt about that relationship with the younger woman, and didn’t know what to do with the guilt. So he lashed out verbally and has really hurt you. Now, he doesn’t know how to retreat or repair that damage.
You don’t say if you’re a son or a daughter, and where in the order of siblings you sit - oldest, middle, youngest? I get the sense that you’re a daughter - perhaps you remind him of your Mum?
You don’t strike me as being the least bit selfish. Could you organise a time to participate in packing up your Mum’s belongings as something that you do for yourself, with your sisters? I feel, sorting out your relationship with Dad may take some time, but you shouldn’t deny yourself the opportunity to pack those memories up and say goodbye. I’ve lost both my parents, and they were divorced. So I’ve packed up 2 home units, with my sister. It’s very soothing to look through the old family photos, the funny knick knacks that people choose to hang onto, stuff from when you were a child. It’s a very healing process.
Go and sort those memories out, let your father do what he will and sort your relationship with him out later - do this for yourself - and no, that’s not selfish, cheers M 🙂