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I'm not sure even where to start right now.....but here goes!
I first posted about 6 months ago about reaching the end of my tether trying to support my now ex-partner. Just after posting, my whole life unravelled when I discovered he was leading a double life with another woman. As this was not the first time he had done this, this was a deal breaker for me.
Uncovering the web of lies & deceit have been absolutely heartbreaking as I start to realise that the person I loved for 7 years (friends for 15 years) has been messing not only with my emotions but also my head. He has never addressed his mental health issues (despite my support) & I can't see that he honestly ever will.
I am out of the relationship & it has been a clean break (not living together, no kids together) but the recovery process is now what I am really finding challenging. I have always been a positive, resilient, independent & self-confident person but I just feel that my soul has been crushed. I struggle with anxiety (his lies have put me in a position where I was subjected to harassment from an unknown source, I suspect a number of individuals were involved). His angry outbursts still haunt me & I wake up some nights completely stressed out from silly little nightmares. I feel like I am constantly on alert waiting for him (or this other woman) to do something to taunt & humiliate me...these are nearly 50 year old "grown ups"! I feel like I have been cast as a central character in a soap opera, a role I never even auditioned for!!! I am trying so hard to get through each day by putting on my brave face & not participating in the drama these people create.
What hurts & what I struggle with is his lack of apology or even acknowledgement of his below par behaviour, of course, none of which is his fault. He is so completely absorbed in himself that he fails to see the damage he has inflicted on me (and there are other ruptured relationships among family too).
I am surrounding myself with good supportive family & friends, making self care a priority & have had a couple of counselling sessions. I find venting here helps. Open to any suggestions to help me get through this!
Welcome back. I don't remember posting to you on your previous visit but that may just be my bad memory. It's good you feel safe here and have returned for support. What a dreadful situation for you. It amazes me how unkind and thoughtless people are to each other. I am sorry you are feeling so distressed. Of course you know the man is not worth it but that does not help much at this time.
I take it you have blocked his emails and phone calls/texts?
I can relate to your pain and anger and to the soul destroying aspects of this dreadful betrayal. To carry on this fraud for so long would be unbelievable to me except that I have just experienced a similar event. As you say, he will not apologise because he is incapable of seeing anyone else except himself. If anything, I am sad for his current partner who is doubtless receiving the same treatment as you. Not much help I know.
You are doing the right things by keeping your family and friends who care around you. Sadly they cannot take away your pain. You have not mentioned seeing a grief counsellor but this is not necessarily something you need. If you have people who will simply let you talk without telling you what to do or how to feel. Well meaning people will often make remarks such, put him out of your mind (easier said than done), pull yourself together is a favourite. I'm sure you get the picture.
You may not feel up to this but I suggest you start a journal and write down your thoughts and feelings. It is really amazing how much this helps. Keep writing until you know you have written enough. You will know. Oh and by the way, you don't need to do this in one go. When you get upset write some of it down. Don't go back and edit in any way, leave it as you wrote. Don't go back and read it again either as this will put you through the pain again. Write and leave, write and leave. One day you will realise the pain has basically gone. Then you can decide to keep the journal or burn it.
Don't look for an apology as this will not happen. It will only exacerbate your pain and anger. Do nice things for yourself that are calming. Warm bath, scented candles, meditation and yoga, or anything you enjoy. Sit on the verandah (or equivalent), and watch the grass grow. Take a cuppa with you and a book or whatever you enjoy doing. Music.
When the horrid thoughts come, take a good look then go and do something, like sitting in the garden or enjoying your hobbies. Damn I write too much.
I don't know why but when I read your post I visualised the Coyote & Road Runner cartoon. Like there has been this hunger for a really long time to receive validation that he never intends to give you.
Maybe thats on purpose. Like dangling a carrot in front of you.
I mean, that makes him feel powerful. If he feels less powerful in other areas of his life, he has to make up for it somehow.
As far as finding it tough not to participate in the drama, what break-ups have no drama? Especially ones with years of mind warping in them. Mirror neurons here we go, carry his pain some more god damn it.
I bet he has feasted on your mistakes throughout the relationship and called you up every time, and will continue to for years.
How dare you be human.
Go and sit in the sun ASAP and have a wine.
I feel you are taking the right direction improving your circumstances by surrounding yourself with supportive people and putting things in place to move forward.
Change has its challenges which does not always happen as quick as we want. Breaking away from a long term relationship is difficult as we have good memories as well as the bad.
It is very important you love yourself more as you seem to be having a ruff ride at the moment. It is your right to break away from a difficult relationship without being harassed, so please let them know you are not going to accept or condone their bad behaviour and will take steps to stop it if it continues.
A new chapter in your life is starting so run with it and create things for yourself so you become more comfortable within.
New beginnings and keep on looking after yourself.
Thank you for your kind words and suggestions, much appreciated!
Like yourself, I find it bewildering as to the unkindness people inflict on each other. I thought that this was something we improved on as we got older & wiser. Unfortunately I think some individuals are not willing to step outside their comfort zones to overcome ingrained bad behavioural habits. I'm sorry to hear that you too have experienced a similar situation.
I hear you about the well meaning comments too, my favourite is "just move on"! I have blocked contact from him & have actually changed my phone number due to fact I had received a number of menacing calls who I suspect have been made by the other woman. Seriously, who does this sort of thing?? Maybe silly teenagers.
I love my yoga & meditation (my main vice that has probably gotten me through this to be honest!) and yes, writing does help too.
Thank you for your reply, I loved your analogy of Road Runner & Coyote, one of my favourite childhood cartoons, beep beep!
It is so true, I think that there are those individuals who have so much unbridled chaos going on in their lives that trying to put control over others gives them a sense of power somehow. A genuine apology is something you don't get from someone who fails to recognise their bad behaviour.
I have read quite a few of your posts on the forum Cornstarch & I must say that although your wisdom speaks volumes, it is your sense of humour that outshines it all!
Now if only that sun would come out today, I could have that glass of wine! Maybe I will just have one anyway!
Good to know you have some strategies in place. The hardest part is waiting until you are healed and that takes time. You will get there but it will be a rough ride I am sorry to say. Ah yes, I forgot 'just move on'. Classic comments which should make us laugh were they not so hurtful. How does anyone expect us to simply rip out a part of our lives and throw it away? Fortunately I have not had these comments. I think I frighten everyone so much they just nod and move away.😊
Yoga and meditation! I thought I was good with meditation. It is good isn't it?
I do relate to the crushed soul. Did I say that before? Whoops! Never mind it bears saying again. And I think this is what has angered and hurt me most, the callous disregard of my feelings and the feeling of being lied to to serve his ends. Meanwhile I can amuse myself by imagining all the horrible things that will happen to him in the next life. (Chortle, chortle)
In the meantime, head up, shoulders back and lie on the bed and scream.
A genuine apology is something you don't get from someone who fails to recognise their bad behaviour.
You'll have days when this makes you feel like a fool. There ain't nothing worse than being made to feel like a fool.
You're not a fool Lightbeam.
You took a chance on love.
And that makes you really brave.
It also seems in stark contrast to how you would treat someone. Hence, your shock.
Who ever's with you next is really lucky. Will you date my little sister? No pressure. Ok maybe a little.
Thank you Gen!
Your kind words of support are much appreciated!
I do feel that I am on the right path, as difficult and bumpy as it is. Relationship breakdowns are not easy at the best of times but knowing that I am leaving an unhealthy situation behind me, is a good feeling.
With much gratitude!
Thank you Cornstarch!
Yes, there are those days when you feel that you are a complete fool for loving, trusting & wanting to see the best in someone you cared so deeply for. Agreed though, taking a chance on love is a brave act.
Going through an experience like this does make you reflect on so much. As overwhelmed as I feel at times, thinking that I may chose to continue to act from a place of love & kindness. Much easier on the soul!
Taking a break from the dating scene for a bit...but I will keep your little sister in mind! 😉