Our adult son will not speak to us

[GG57]

It is now almost 7 months since having any real contact with our son his partner and children. He is seeing a psychologist at the moment and our son asked us a few questions which we answered honestly to him. One was why he and his partner and children couldn’t use our house when we were away on holidays but our other adult children could. The last time we let our son use our house when we were travelling. He abused our trust as he air bnb his own home lived in ours without telling us. But left our home in a disgusting state. We came back to maggots crawling out of the bins and beds needed doing washing fridge filthy etc. So when they asked again we said no. Neither of them are speaking to us and we haven’t seen our grandchildren for months. I ask them to join us for family get together almost every fortnight with his brothers and sisters plus grandparents and nieces and nephews. But it’s like they have cut us all off completely. Should we just stop trying? Stop inviting them and do nothing? Or do we keep trying to engage. He has contacted his brothers and sisters saying what a terrible childhood he had. He didn’t but his partner did have a very hard childhood foster homes living with grandparents etc. The whole family thinks he has taken on her problems as though they are his memories of his childhood.However, we aren’t sure if this is the case or it’s just much easier to blame the parents if life isn’t perfect. Would love to know what we should do we’ve tried and tried.

[smallwolf]

Hi GG57,

This situation must be very upsetting for you and there are no easy answers.

Yet the one thing it sounds like you are doing is the keeping the porch light on, and door open for him? After all, he cut his ties with you, so if you turned around and did the same thing... well, that would be helpful. You can still write to him? Simply say that you are thinking about him and hope to have the opportunity to reconnect. Send your warmth, love and compassion—as you get on with your life.

Perhaps there are support groups you might be able to join for parents in similar situations? If not, professional help might be an option.

Your pain is real. But try not to allow it to define you. Put the focus on what you have control of: your own life.

tim