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Other girls make me feel threatened and insecure when i'm in a relationship

Bee1998
Community Member

I have felt this way in every relationship I have had. The past two make sense, as I was cheated on by both partners, but I have been struggling with the same feelings in my current relationship. This has been the only healthy relationship I have had, and it frustrates me, because I'm with someone who I actually can trust for once in my life. It's not that I think my partner is cheating on me, it's smaller things that bother me, such as him wanting to have female friends, and being in an environment where girls are dressed provocatively and acting in a provocative manner. I don't know why these things bother me so much. I guess I am just scared of being abandoned, or that my partner will be sexually aroused by other females other than myself. I feel like I care about these things on a religious level (i'm not religious), but it seems to be the one and only thing that ever affects me while I'm in a relationship. I can't stand the thought of my partner dancing around girls in a club who are wearing next to nothing... The biggest concern for me is this one female friend he has, who he has been friends with since high school. She is the type of girl who would get satisfaction from stealing people's boyfriends. I know my partner wouldn't go there with her, but she does things that I feel are intentional, to get under my skin. For example, she was at my friend's memorial earlier this year. My partner was also there, as he went with me to support me. We ended up seeing his friend there, and this girl approached us to say hi to my partner, but completely disregarded my existence and didn't say hi to me. She gave my partner a hug and told him how much she missed him right in front of me. She later followed us over to the table we were sitting at and sat right beside my partner, so close that her entire body was up against his. (My partner and this girl were sitting opposite me). This made me really uncomfortable, and I was extremely angry because why wasn't my partner sitting next to me? He was there to support me after all, not for a high school reunion.... The whole time she was calling him pet names in front of me and not even talking to me or looking at me. Just continuously flirting with my boyfriend. My boyfriend went out with the same girl last night. She put up a story on instagram, which was a photo of herself in a skimpy crop top showing her cleavage and her nipples. I felt like she put that up to rub it in my face that she was with my boyfriend.

20 Replies 20

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Bee,

I went through something similar in my past relationship, where my partner had been cheated on and would accuse me all the time of cheating, I would need to account for every hour spent etc and he would monitor my phone etc. It was an awful way to live for both of us and the reality is that type of behaviour drives a wedge between partners and probably acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy to a large degree. The reality is that if someone is going to cheat on you, they’re going to find a way, it doesn’t matter how many times you accuse them or monitor them, someone can always find an excuse to get away. And these things have a way of being found out, whether you accuse them incessantly or not. Your previous partners sound incredibly immature - I’m not sure how old you were then but I would say in your 20’s? At that age these things tend to happen more frequently as it’s less likely that you are with people who you are seriously considering settling down with. However, I think that most people in their 30s and above are a bit more interested in looking for a genuine partner and cheating, although it still occurs, is more often due to a lack of intimacy or problems in the relationship. I’ve always been of the mindset that your best guard against a partner cheating is to have a happy relationship based on mutual love, respect and trust. So that if the opportunity presents itself, they wouldn’t want to do that to you. I may have been cheated on in the past, I’m not 100% sure as I’ve never really looked for it. And to be honest, I don’t feel worse for not knowing. You can spend your life worrying about perceived threats but if anything it seems to bring about the very thing you fear anyway. I hope that you can find a way to work through your insecurities and settle into the relationship

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Bee,

I’ve just read through my previous response and I fear I came across a little blunt unintentionally. It’s really good that you have found someone who you can trust, but I understand that things such as him having female friends or going out to places where there are girls act as triggers for you. I suppose what I was trying to say is “what will be will be”. If he is the type of person who’ll cheat then he will but if he’s not then he most likely won’t if he is in a happy relationship built on mutual trust and respect. Kind of like the old “if you love something set it free, and if it comes back it’s yours. If it doesn’t it never was”. I think that you are already well on the way to trusting your partner it seems but just have these last few hurdles to overcome. Would it help if you met the female friends?

HI Juliet_84,

Sorry for the extremely delayed response... I stopped using BeyondBlue for a while.

This is still an ongoing issue for me, and I have not met his one female friend, as he never invites me to things with her.... which is another reason why it's making it hard for me to trust what's going on.

I also am struggling with trust in regards to other females, as I was cheated on by my previous partner, and lied to about it (even when i literally caught him out with her face to face)... This is what makes it so hard for me to know whether or not someone is lying to me, or being faithful... it's the not knowing whether or not what is coming out of their mouth is true or not.

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Bee1998,

I understand what you are going through to a large extent, but from the other side, as my ex-partner was incredibly jealous, insecure and controlling. He had been cheated on in his previous relationship and had been lied to and so was paranoid that it would happen again. Unfortunately his way of dealing with it was to control every aspect of my life, monitor my phone calls, harass me constantly, dictate what I could and couldn’t wear, constantly accuse me of cheating, and interrogate me for hours. It made my life a living hell and irreparably damaged our relationship. Having seen that, I am a firm believer in what we are most afraid of, we attract. I am an incredibly loyal partner but he caused so much anguish and starved me of affection so badly that I honestly contemplated cheating, something I feel incredibly strongly against. Your greatest guard against infidelity is a happy, loving relationship. If someone is out to deceive you, they’ll find a way regardless of whether you accuse them or not, it’s not like they’d ever admit it. Regarding trust, my attitude has always been that you can’t trust that no one is ever going to screw you over, but what you need to trust is that you will cope/survive if they do. Realistically, worrying about being cheated on won’t get you a better outcome than trusting your partner. We all have our trust betrayed at times and that is your cue to move on, they clearly aren’t someone you want to be with so better you find out sooner rather than later. It says everything about them and nothing about you. But the inability to trust will rob you of ever having a truly loving relationship. all well and good, but how do you overcome it. If you are insecure about his female friend, explain that to him and that you would feel comfortable once you meet her. Meet and assess the vibe, are they acting weird or is it normal. What are the signs that make you feel you can’t trust this person? Ie assess whether you believe this person is inherently trustworthy. Resist the urge to check through his phone or belongings, the longer you go, the better you will feel. Practice trusting even when you don’t feel like it. and consider seeing a psychologist to work through your trust issues.

Bee1998
Community Member
What do you do when you don't believe something someone says, because you've been lied to before? Do you choose to trust them because society says you can't have a relationship without trust, and you want a healthy relationship, or do you listen to your gut and what your body is telling you?

I get it... just because you've been lied to in the past, doesn't necessarily mean they're lying... but why is my gut telling me otherwise?

My partner recently put up a new instagram post, and as any girlfriend would, I had a look through his likes on the post. I came across a particular account and had a suss. I noticed she had been liking his posts from a few months ago, until now, and he had also done the same. (I get it, that could just be a coincidence), but when I asked him how he knew her, he told me his friend met her out once years ago, and they all hung out. I instantly did not believe this, as his friend wasn't following her on instagram, and why would they both be liking each other's recent posts from the past couple of months, but no earlier (if they had met years ago).

All of this probably sounds petty, but to me it's a big deal not knowing whether or not i'm being told the truth. I also have shrugged off ( or at least been told to shrug off my gut feeling in the past ) , but it turned out every time I had been suspicious about something or someone, I turned out to be right all along.

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hey Bee1998,

I don't think you are being petty at all. It's a big deal because it means you don't feel safe and secure in these relationships, and that's not a good place to be for anyone. It's painful, even more so if you've been hurt in the past.

From your latest post, it sounds like you are feeling suspicious and don't trust whether you are being told the full truth. I am not sure if your questions are rhetorical, but I guess my answer would be that you can only do what you think would help you feel more safe and secure. As others here have mentioned, if you feel like you generally have issues trusting others, that could be something to discuss with a counsellor or psychologist. If you feel like that isn't a problem, but that your partner is genuinely untrustworthy, what kinds of actions would you feel safe in taking to help?

I hope that's not too vague of an answer, but I understand you're struggling to work out what to believe and what not to believe, and a lot of that is because the very act of trusting someone often means you can be hurt. It sucks when that happens, and we are here for you regardless.

Just as a bit of a side note, I understand looking through your partners' instagram post likes may feel like a pretty ordinary and harmless thing. From my own experience, I wasn't even FB friends with my previous girlfriend and I hid everything on my profile from non-friends. It never became a problem, though probably also because we never did anything that made the other person suspicious. I expect it may have been problematic if there was reason to suspect. So while I don't think you are doing anything wrong and I hope I don't come across as being negative at all, I thought I'd just offer an alternative story.

James

Bee1998
Community Member

Hi James,

I have just read your response, and found everything you said extremely comforting. Thank you for being so understanding and gentle with your words- that is exactly what I needed right now. ❤️

I am in a pickle right now, because of something that happened between my current partner and I. We broke up for a short period (less than 2 months) and I found out that he paid to have a threesome with two other females. (Keep in mind, I was his first and only relationship) we are both 24. This hurt me on a whole other level.... given how loyal I am, and that I was his first everything. Hearing that honestly tore me apart in ways I don't even want to think about.....So this is one of the reasons I think I'm finding it so hard to trust him in regards to other females.

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Bee, being able to trust a partner/spouse comes from experience, because you know what their little quirks may be, but in the end you are either told or learn about them in a congenial way and then both have a laugh.

When you break up this trust has to rebuild, it can't naturally be accepted straight away because there is a reason why you have broken up, so confidence, love and honesty need to be established once again.

If, however, he has paid for a threesome while you were apart, then questions are going to be asked whether or not you will be able to trust him again and this won't happen if he starts to keep secrets or has nights away or locks his phone for some unknown reason, because if this does happen then doubt will cause you to wonder whether you can trust him.

Please get back to us.

Geoff.

Bee1998
Community Member

Hi Geoff,

Thank you for your response.

I agree with you saying that trust has to rebuild. I feel like I have mostly moved past the whole threesome thing (even though it crosses my mind every now and then), but I am finding it hard to believe that something like that won't happen again. I get stressed about my partner going out with his mates because 1. they are all single, 2. I've run into them out once , and my partner was offering to buy drinks for two girls right in front of my face, 3. I have recently noticed he follows random girls he meets while out clubbing.... I found this extremely suspicious. When I brought this up with my partner, he made excuses like, "my mate met her" "it was years ago" etc.

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hey Bee1998,

Thank you for sharing that. It seems like it was a bit of a painful memory, and I think that says a lot about what you want in a relationship and a partner. I understand how that would make it hard for you to believe it may not happen again, as your trust was broken by him already. And from your description of how he's behaved when going out, it sounds like you're seeing patterns that make it hard to look past what he's done before, and hard to just accept his excuses at face value. I've had similar issues in the past and understand where you're coming from in terms of being suspicious.

I hope you don't mind me asking this question as it might be a hard one to answer, but I don't want to put my own values and needs before yours so I'd really like to understand your thoughts a bit better. What kinds of actions or words from your partner do you think would help rebuild the trust, or otherwise sway you to move on?

I ask because it seems like you're very near a conclusion about whether you think his behaviour is acceptable or not, but seem to also be unsure about what to do. I think you're absolutely right in asking for what you expect in a partner, so I guess I am generally curious to understand what you hope or think will happen from here on?

We're here to support you in however you choose to proceed. Relationships are really hard and it can be really tough to know what to do, but I generally find that things work out for the better overall as long as you have good people around you.

James