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One is the loneliest number - The fine line between excepting some hard truths, & trusting your own judgement.

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Fellow Warriors,

I have come here many times, and many times I have considered reaching out, but never made the time, or couldn't find the words. But today, I am making the time, and hoping that the words find me. Almost three years ago, Depression and I had a totally unexpected head on collision. In an instant my independent and established life, collapsed before my very own eyes. The main difference between my situation, and an actual head on collision, is that when you're in a head on collision with a vehicle, you're left hurt, dazed and confused, but you know that you should try not to move, and that trained medical emergency professionals are coming to your aid and will fight for your survival. That those who love and care about you, will rush to help and offer you support. But when you have a head on collision with depression, there is no 'stop, drop 'n roll' type learned guidance, nor are there any medical professionals coming to take control of this situation. There is only you....and a shit load of confusion, denial and the impending dark clouds of hopelessness. Well in hindsight, that's how it felt.

I continued to fall deeper into my hole for a long time, and struggled to find the right kind of help and support for me.... Any who, fast forward to now, and while I am not depressed anymore, nor am I taking medication. I just can't seem to loose the shackles completely and return to the real world. I have lost my identity and my purpose. I never realised (until I met my black dog) how important some of life's 'givens', like having a loving partner, feeling appreciated, getting married, and having a family were to me. Over the last three years I have come to terms with, and fully excepted the fact that I might not experience these things, and thats ok. But I have not been able to find a new dream to chase, or passion to follow that enlists the same type of fundamental fulfillment in me. I worry I never will.

Many people around me have felt that it is their duty to bring my, at times big emotions, and character flaws to my attention. This has happened many times. I am fully aware of how others feel I should behave emotionally, or how they would like me to behave. Now though, I can struggle to know if, and when, I can or should, trust my own judgement. This in turn does not help my issues with confidence and self worth.....Sigh!

I'm out of characters, so I'll wrap it up there for now.

Thanks for listening. x

4 Replies 4

Community Member
Hi, Very eloquently written. The car accident analogy was spot on and very much hit a nerve for me. I'm not really qualified to give any sort of advice, I just want to say I appreciate your post.

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor


I completely agree with Sam71 and I’m so glad s/he replies to you with such encouraging words. It’s great to have both of you here 🙂

I felt so many emotions as I gained a little insight into your experiences. Your feelings of confusion, your depression and your feelings of longing; I felt it all with you as I read....

You have clearly been through a lot. While I’m very relieved that the depression has lifted for you, I feel your deep search for self.

I feel it must have been very painful to have to come to terms with how you need to accept a very different version of your envisioned life. I’m glad you’ve reached a stage of acceptance now, but I imagine there was a lot of angst and feelings of loss prior to getting there. But, as you said, not knowing which path or direction to now take must be very painful and confusing.

I understand that people around you may have their own ideas of what they think you should be doing to help yourself. I know it often comes with very good intentions, but at the end of the day, they are not you. They don’t walk in your shoes each day. Maybe I’m biased (I probably am), but I would suggest following your own voice, for the most part...

I wonder if it might help you to regain your sense of identity to try to remember what things you once loved e.g. sport, art, science, etc. The reason that I’m gently suggesting that is maybe it could point you in a certain direction...perhaps not overnight but over time...

Also, there’s a thread here that you might be interested in. It’s called Our lives are valid, no matter how they look. If you’re interested, I think the easiest way to find it is to type the whole title in the beyondblue search bar 🙂

What I wanted to say most of all was thank you for bravely sharing with us, and that you’re most welcome on write in again any time to vent, chat, etc. No pressure though of course.

Kindness and care,


Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

A heartfelt welcome to you BeautifullyBROKeN

The reformation process can definitely be a tricky one. Sticking with the collision analogy, our physical self is truly incredible in the way it repairs after an impact. Once broken bones are put back in place, the body reforms itself. That which has separated will re-pair. That which has disintegrated will integrate again. Of course, there may be aspects of our physical self that may never be the same after a collision, yet we must do our best to focus on our abilities.

I believe a psychological healing can be similar. There will be a process of re-pairing and re-integration which will call for us to focus on our abilities whilst we face a world that, in a variety of ways, threatens to shift our focus toward our perceived disabilities.

Most of us start life with a fairly healthy sense of self and energy. Up until the age of about 3 or 4, we typically don't think about our 'I am'. We just are. We don't think 'I am Christian or Buddhist, I am fair or dark skinned, I am a female/male' and so on. We are basically energetically connected to life through a high sense of adventure and imagination. Of course, this may not be the case if we've experienced trauma or illness as a child. Generally, we're paired with our natural self. There is a natural integration with the energy inside and outside of us. We go with the flow. If the influential adults around us recognise our nature (as perhaps little marine biologist, little paleontologist, little environmentalist and so on) they'll keep us paired with this nature. We remain integrated with the energy of life through natural self and inspiration. What if those around us aren't paying attention; what if they un-pair us with our natural sense of self? The disintegration process begins. We begin to lose our self.

Whilst depression can leave us in a state of constant conflict between the self we've been taught vs the self we most desire, coming out of depression leads us to re-learn who we actually are (our most authentic self). With the mental aspect of self having changed, along with the physical self (chemistry), we can begin looking at the big question 'How to reconnect with life?' Whether this question relates to spirituality or quantum physics, it becomes about 'What to do with the energy?' or 'How to find the flow?' In seeing life through the eyes of a child, we can begin to rediscover the flow, whilst remaining careful regarding who or what we identify with.


Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi again Beautiful

I meant to mention, if your not sure of direction or sense of purpose, one thing that might add a little more light to your path involves researching 'energy' itself. There are a huge number of fascinating topics out there:

  • Increasing energy levels and consciously connecting through exercise
  • High energy/frequency foods. A very educational topic in so many ways
  • There's the basics of quantum physics as well as metaphysics
  • Understanding the energy of the mind (aka the brain at work)
  • Yoga, meditation etc

The list goes on.

I personally found that once I came out of my 15 year battle with depression and once I started down this particular path, I naturally became more connected. I believe, with out brain being somewhat of a computer, once we begin creating new programs for that computer to reference, we begin noticing more and more opportunities. Synchronicity, coincidences and such begin to show up here and there, as the flow starts to become a little more obvious. Those who threaten to 'block the flow' are often those who are dealing with their own mental programs (sense of identity).

Take care