On the brink

[Dontknowanymore]

I've suffered depression most of my life undiagnosed until I had my first child and was diagnosed with post natal for various reasons. Since that time 4 years ago I'd managed to get myself in a good head space and we conceived our second child.
I'm trying so hard not to end up in that boat again but each day is increasingly hard. I can't help but think my marriage is done.
My husband was never a great support through our first pregnancy and I guess he did the best he could through my post natal, that's what I thought until this time around. Having another child has reminded me that he really offered no support during our first and just palmed me off to his mum, my mind was such a mess that I had blacked this out up until now. It seems to be all flooding back except this time he openly says that this one is on me as he was happy with the one.
I say to people he is a great dad, and yes he has great qualities and our eldest idolises him but I am the one constantly running around doing things with him even before number 2, he will then just get me to take our eldest to his mums if I need a break!
In the meantime I'm getting burnt out, I've asked for a day to myself at least 20 times in the last 3 months which ends in him telling me he can't look after them and not his problem. I resort to driving 3 hrs to my mum's 2 kids in tow just to get a reprieve.
Recently I lost my dad unexpectedly we weren't close but I have a lot of regrets and this has probably heightened my emotions. I'm sick of always trying to explain how I'm feeling only to be made feel I'm crazy or grumpy or just having a go.
I'm tired, I feel unsupported and un appreciated.
If anything losing my dad has made me realise how far I've lost myself. How short life really is and if I'm prepared to settle for how things are now. I was once fun outgoing and loved to socialise. These days I'm short tempered, rather keep to myself and need to be out of the house to keep me sane.
I love my husband in terms of he gave me two beautiful children, but I don't actually think I'm in love with him anymore. Sex is a chore I avoid like the plague because why should I give myself to him when he doesn't support me at all. Saying I love you is not enough for me. I'm scared that if I do end this my kids will resent me, I'm scared of the turmoil it will cause with in-laws. But I feel dead, there is no sunshine in my days just me trying to make it through without losing my shit.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Dontknowanymore,

Thank you for sharing this with us all here today. We are sorry to hear about all the things that you have been through with your partner. It sounds like things have been particularly difficult for you lately. We hope the support, advice and conversation on offer here helps you and others to process these difficult times.

Please remember, the qualified mental health professionals at our Support Service are available for brief counselling, support and referrals all day every day on 1300 22 4636 or by email (replies within 24 hours) or webchat (1pm to midnight AEDT) via: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support. Please don't hestitate to reach out to them.

We would recommend that you get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277 if you are wanting to talk with a counsellor about some of the difficulties within your relationship. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.

[Croix]

Dear Dontknowanymore~

Welcome here where at least you will be listened to by those who care.

Your husband sounds selfish, lazy and self-centered and is able to deliver very hurtful remarks at your expense -like not wanting the child and it is your problem. Not wanting to have sex with him is more than understandable, I don't think many could bear it.

Without love and a basic amount of care this partnership does not sond at all healthy, it is unbalanced with you taking all the weight, and him little.

May I suggest before you make any real far reaching decisions you make yourself into the best condition possible, minimizing if not stopping the depression and getting whatever help you can

This falls firstly into the medical area, May I ask if you have medical team? If so their treatment is not effective and they should be asked to investigate other techniques -plus a thorough physical.

If no, you are on your own, now would be just the right time to start. It can be a lengthy process but I'm a whole lot better than I use to be thanks to therapy -and meds. This reflects in my coping and decision making.

The second part is relief from your children, you did mention driving to your mum's. Can that be made into a regular reprieve, maybe wiht overnight stays? Might there be anyone else?

Counseling has been suggested, and Relationships Australia are very good, however for it to work it has to be both together and both wanting matters work out, not just with words at the time, but by actions that prove it long-term.

So can I suggest you leave thoughts of separation just for the moment, with the accompanying worries of inlaws and your kids reactions, and look after yourself.

I hope to hear from you again

Croix