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Not trusting my guts anymore

Community Member


I am new to the forum . I am 36 , 3 yrs post divorce and now dating .

Circumstances of my divorce were pretty awful , finding out that my ex-husband was cheating with my friend . I also found out that my ex-husband was spreading false rumors about me to family and friends,; so that when the divorce came to light, they turned their back on me as well. We were married for 10 yrs and moved countries a few times for jobs.No children.

I relied on my sisters who supported me emotionally and in 2 yrs time, my job , home, finances and the dog were stable:)

I started dating last year and met a 41yr old man.I met him online and I met his family and friends too. My family believes he is a genuine, nice bloke .
He is loves me, cares about me , wants a life together and if all goes well, have children etc... He lives away , so it is long distance relationship . The last 3 months, he took a long annual leave to spend time with me , for us to get to know each other . Everything went well and at the end of 3 months, he was ready to quit his well-paid job and move into the city where I am living.

I am strangely still looking for reassurances. I am looking for inadequacies and faults in the situation. I don't feel the same way that "fell in love" with my exhusband. I don't feel that crazy rush of emotions which makes you dizzy.

What this guy does make me feel is - comforted, loved , stable and calm. I know that I can weather a storm with him and he will never leave me in a lurch .

I am confused and I feel like I may be making the wrong decision . One of my friends who is a psychologist always talks about being physically attracted to your partner. I find my boyfriend attractive,but I am not as enthusiastic about sex as I was when I was 24.

All these thoughts have made me feel low. I have lost all inspiration to exercise . started binge eating and spend endless hours watching TV. I am looking for answers, not finding them , hence trying not to think about them with the above bad habits.

Is it unrealistic to expect to "feel crazy in love again?"... am I settling for this relationship ? I feel horrible , unable to make a decision and sometimes wished I wasn't here anymore. Am I still suffering from the after effects of the betrayal of my first marriage?

Please help... as I feel exhausted and unable to move forward in life.

6 Replies 6

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Mila welcome

Time is your friend. Do you think you've given yourself enough time getting to know this new man?

3 months seems a short time.

Tony WK

Community Member
Hi Mia, your former husband has left his mark with his betrayals. As he was able to cheat on you with your friend this man has no concern for you, it takes a certain character to do that, most people would find such a thing disgusting and the fact that family and friends has believed him i find absolutely wrong. He must be a master manipulator. Danny...

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello Mila_coughlan, if you fall in love again then yes there is another cloud 9 that happens, it won't stop, so if you feel as though he comforts, cares and loves you but you don't feel comfortable in being intimate there a problem arises.
This could be because of your ex-husband but I'm not too sure about this, meeting and then being friends with someone online can be rather precarious because you don't really know all the sides to what he is really like, so are you on cloud 9 at the moment and from what you have said I don't think so.
It is understandable to feel betrayed by your ex but that doesn't mean you still didn't love him, so I would be cautious, especially as it's making you go back to to these bad habits, I think that says it all. Geoff.

Thank you , Tony . You are right... it's too short a time.

Community Member

Thank you for your support Danny.

It was The most hurtful thing I endured in my life. Takes so long to trust again😐

Community Member

Thank you, Geoff

just writing this post yesterday helped me realise the bad habits- so actively trying to get out of them!

I think I'll give it some more time before I go ahead with the new guy.

Yes, I did love my ex husband until of course the reason to divorce came up!

I used to be so sure of myself before... but now , I am a rambling mess when it comes to decisions 😑

I hope I don't sabotage all my future relationships ,at least!