- Beyond Blue Forums
- Caring for myself and others
- Relationship and family issues
- Not sure what to do!
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Mark Topic as New
- Mark Topic as Read
- Pin this Topic for Current User
- Printer Friendly Page
Not sure what to do!
Hey everyone! I've been with my BF for 2 years (we've lived together for 1 year). A few weeks into us meeting, he had told me that he didn't want to live in Sydney long term, at which point I told him my whole life is in Sydney & I never see myself leaving, so I told him that it would be better for him to date somebody else. He thought about it for a few days, came back & told me he wanted to be with me & that living here wasn't an issue.
Over the last 2 years we've looked at places to live & he's always chosen places in Sydney. Around 6 weeks ago however, I noticed that something had changed... he was being distant & avoiding me, wasn't talking to me when he was home & would take any chance to not be here on weekends (often telling me he would just be gone the Friday, but not coming back until the Sunday evening). I asked him what was going on & he said he has a big decision to make & he doesn't know what to do; the decision being that he loves me & wants to be with me (we've already spoken about engagement), but he doesn't want to be here. I asked him what's changed to make him feel that way & he told me that he's always felt that way &he went into this hoping he could change my mind (making me feel that I've been misled for 2 years). I started offering him compromises, to all of which he said no, but wasn't offering any solutions of his own.. he just kept saying he didn't want to be here. After 2 weeks of going back and forth on this, I ended up just telling him that he shouldn't stay here because of me because he'll just end up resenting me, so I told him to chase what he wants. We broke up but the day I was leaving, he then said he was happy to compromise. He also said he was happy to go to couple's counselling (which I had suggested months earlier & he had said no to). So the last few weeks we've been working on things & I thought we were moving in the right direction, only to find out this past weekend he's still not happy to compromise (so again I feel I've been putting in the effort the last few weeks when he's had one foot out the door).
So, we broke up a few days ago, but now he's willing to go with a different compromise, one that does suit us both however is of no benefit to me and I'd solely be doing it for him. I guess I'm not sure what to do because yes I am able to make the compromise, but all this back and forth has really made me doubt whether the compromise will make him happy long term or if we'll end up in the same position again.
So it is up to BF to make the decision or move on. Compromise sounds like it rests with him and possibly this role as 'second fiddle' is the basis for his discontent and reluctance to commit.
The romantic notion of "I would do anything for you" seems to be the missing piece in your conundrum.
Welcome to the forum. It's a great place to talk through your problems and get advice from the perspective of others. Feel free not to answer if you don't want to, I was wondering what the compromise is. It sounds like you both want to be together and are trying to accommodate each other's needs but that your needs are very different. Compromise is an important part of any relationship because each of you wants the other to be happy and feel fulfilled in your lives. You have explained why you wish to stay in Sydney and I wonder why it is so important for him to leave. If either one of you totally does what the other wants then there's a good chance one of you is going to be unhappy, and possibly resentful of the other.
Here to chat if you want to.
The thought of starting life together from a clean slate sounds so cavalier. Has he identified reasons for moving or what makes Sydney appear so undesirable?
You are correct, it is unfair to ask you to give up everything - such acceptance must be of your own volition.
Hello Dear KK22,
Welcome to our forums..
I think that because you made it clear at the beginning of your relationship and he continued being with you knowing that..that he shouldn’t have even asked you to you...Idk if he has been staying with you for these 2 years thinking of manipulative ways he could use on you too move...
Go with your heart dear KK22...it will be so hard to give up your business, move away from family and friends to somewhere you will have no close support if you need it..as well as closing down your business to try and start again....
Its just that I’m thinking, if you do move...in a couple of years down the track, if things never worked out for you, how will you then feel about your partner....will you end up resenting him?...
Its important to do what you want to do...not what your partner what’s you to do....Its your life lovely KK, you need to be happy...Moving just to keep him happy, disrupting your life, moving away from your family and friends to a place where you know no one, have no immediate work....for you to keep your own independence...
Please be careful lovely KK....talk it over with your family and friends before you make any decisions...
My kindest thoughts with my care dear KK.
Hey WaterFront! Initially six weeks ago, I had come up with a few compromises - one was that we could live in Sydney but buy a holiday house somewhere we could both escape to when need be, he turned down that idea very quickly. The second compromise was that we live in between where he wants to be and Sydney, he turned down that idea as well.
When we had broken up a few weeks ago, the compromise he was happy to go with was the holiday house idea, but then he took that back earlier this week and said that wouldn't make him happy. However the last few times we've spoken, he was happy to go with the idea of living in between the two places he want to be. Again, this would benefit him more than me as I'd be the one traveling longer each day to come down to Sydney to work. I guess I find it difficult to believe that's really what he wants considering how back and forth the last few weeks has been, especially from his end.
I'm also starting to believe this isn't the only issue, as I brought up this compromise to him today, expecting him to be happy about it considering it was something we had both mentioned as a potential, and he completely shut down the idea.I guess it also hurts now thinking I am trying my best and doing everything I can to make this work, but it just really seems like his heart isn't in this anymore, and if that was the case, I wish he would just say so.
Hi tranzcrybe, I'm really starting to feel that he believes giving up everything for him is an appropriate thing to do. And I think he's annoyed that I don't find it acceptable to leave my entire support network and the things I've worked for to chase a life that may not turn out how he has it in his mind.
Honestly, the reasons change every time we talk about this. Initially it was that he didn't want to pay the premium to live in Sydney and wanted to live somewhere we could buy a house for cheaper, which I told him is idealistic because where he wants to go, we would both struggle to find work and suddenly that cheaper house becomes just as much of a challenge. He's also mentioned that he wants to live closer to his family... again, he's lived away from them his entire life because of the mental health issues they have given him and the struggles and traumas he's been through as a child which still affect him now. Sometimes he just says he doesn't like the hustle and bustle of living here. It's always a different reason.
I'm not willing to give up everything, but I am willing to make a compromise with him that he still benefits more from but that is something I was prepared to do until he shut me down about it.
Hi Grandy! Yes I feel as though I really made it clear from the start and since that conversation he had never mentioned it again (so I don't really see how he thought he was changing my mind when the first I heard of it again was when we started fighting about it a few weeks ago). He had multiple opportunities to bring it up but he never did, he always kept mentioning areas in Sydney and that was it. I do feel like it's unfair to dump this on me after 2 years because obviously now there is a part of me that wants it to work out and I would have been more likely to move... so I feel the same in that he might have hidden this from me this entire time thinking the longer we spent together, the more likely I was to go along with it.
Initially I wanted to trial the idea, maybe move up there and see how we go, see if the move really does make him happier or if it doesn't, see if he can actually get work up there like he's been promising me he can, and see if things between us get better seeing as we're no longer in the place that supposedly makes him so unhappy. But as mentioned above, I brought this up to him today and he basically shut down the idea of moving halfway even as a compromise.
It seems like he is being fairly inflexible about how he wants things to be and is not willing to listen to the suggestions you are making. Uprooting your whole life and moving away from your family and friends is a big commitment especially when you would be doing it very reluctantly. It may be that you will need to decide which you want more as he is trying to put you in a position where you are not able to have both. I agree with Ggrand in that you should follow your instincts and go with your heart, of which only you can determine.