Not sure what to do...

[Jagermyster]

OK... This is the 3rd time typing this up and I'm just going to try to be brief and to the point this time...

Over the last few years me and my wife have been having some issues... I have encouraged couples councilling during these last few years but we have only recently started this option...

During the last few years I have told the wife that I feel like she doesn't love who I am but who she thinks I will be one day... During this time I have made numerous concessions, have informed her of where my limits are and have conceded to what I was willing to...

Within the last few months I have passed the limits that I have set and have told her that I am no longer happy in this relationship. I have let her know that things will have to change if this relationship is going to continue.

Nothing that she achieves is ever good enough and she has achieved a lot. I don't see how I am going to live up to expectations that she can't even live up to...

I think that she has a very low self esteem, is depressed and that we both don't know how to deal with these issues in a positive, productive and healthy manner...

Both our psychologists and our couples councillor has suggested that we go through a trial separation but I am concerned that will just push us apart if we don't deal with some of our fundamental issues now...

Any and all suggestions welcome and encouraged... I know that it's OK to leave someone who is depressed, my psychologist keeps telling me this... I don't want to leave, I want to work shit out and be in a mutually positive relationship...

I am concerned however that since I have never had a healthy relationship, family included, that I might just be trying to stay in this relationship for fear of being alone...

Not really sure what to do or if this post makes any sense... Any and all suggestions and/or advice welcome... If there are any questions that you have ask and I will try to answer them as openly and honestly as possible!

Thank you for your time, I've never written anything on a form before so go easy on me, I'm a noob at this kind of thing!

[Croix]

Dear Jagermyster~

I'm sorry your relationship has these troubles. While you have given a pretty clear overall picture do you mind if I ask if you would like to say more?

While you have said there have been issues and your wife sees you differently to how you are this does not really give enough information for anyone to draw conclusions. The same applies to you exceeding your boundaries and your wife not being satisfied with her own actions.

I do think that is someone has depression and low self esteem then the breakup of a relationship is simply going to make matters worse and you are wise to hesitate before taking matters further.

Croix

[Doolhof]

Hi Jagermyster,

Welcome to the forum. You have written a very clear message here so no need to apologise for anything.

It does sound like you are a little confused if you should stay with your wife or leave. You are also seeking help and advice so that is good. Have you done much research into depression, helping someone with depression and dealing with relationship issues?

Is it possible for you and your wife to go away somewhere together for a weekend, or even out on a date now and then for a different perspective on your relationship?

My husband and I both have mental health issues. There have been times when we have been very close to separating, yet we are still together. Some days I wish I had left, other days I am sort of content with what we have.

I guess the point is, you need to be able to make a decision and then not have any regrets after as regrets just mess with your head even more.

Find ways to express your needs and wants and what you are prepared to do for this relationship.

Both my husband and I have activities and hobbies apart from joint activities and that helps us to be independent yet still together.

Relationships can be difficult at times. They need a lot of work to keep things running along smoothly.

Hope you are able to find some answers and work out which direction you want to go.

Cheers from Dools