Not sure what to do

[Rjade]

Hi everyone.

Over the last month or so, I have developed feelings for a co-worker and feel pretty annoyed at myself.

I understand that you have no control over who you fall in love with but I can’t help but feel guilty and a little ashamed.

I recently turned 22 and have been engaged for nearly a year and a half. I kind of rushed into the relationship but I do have genuine feelings of love and admiration for my fiance.

We fight quite a lot though and we’re dealing with some pretty major things at the moment. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety as well as a crippling physical illness and I find it hard to see the light each day, even with my fiance by my side.

However, when I’m around my co-worker, all of the pain and suffering seems to somewhat subside and I feel all of these positive emotions I haven’t experienced in a long, long time.

I know my co-worker cares about me and he allows me to vent my frustrations to him, and I have a slight suspicion that he may have feelings for me too.

I don’t know whether I should stay put in a relationship that has some love still left to give but that exhausts the hell out of me most of the time, or if I should bite the bullet and tell my co-worker how I feel.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[smallwolf]

Hi Jade,

I also responded to your other thread here...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/suicidal-thoughts-and-self-harm/how-are-you-supposed-to-keep-going-#qrkxk3HzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

Sorry to hear about the arguments you have are having with your fiance. And on top of that, you have also depression etc to deal with as well. Would I be right if I guess that once the argument has ended, there is pent up anger or frustration inside you, and that when you are able to vent with your co-work you are able to release that energy? Which is why you might have these feelings for him, because he cares and can listen to you.

The other question I would have for you is if you did not have these major arguments with your fiance, what sort of feelings would you have regarding your co-worker?

I cannot tell you what is the right action to take. With all decisions there can be consequences or fallout and are you ready for that (whatever decision you make)?

My last question is ... you said that you suffer from depression and anxiety? Do you get professional help for that? If so, have you brought up this subject with your counselor (incl. the arguments you have with your fiance)?

Apologies for not really answering your question.

Tim

[White_Rose]

Dear Rjade

It's good to meet you. Thank you for your story. I'm sure there are many people who can relate to this.

Your relationship with both men are separate events. Giving one the brush off, so to speak, hoping that another romance will take its place or staying with a longer term relationship because the second may not happen is an upside down way of looking at these relationships.

You said, I don’t know whether I should stay put in a relationship that has some love still left to give but that exhausts the hell out of me most of the time, or if I should bite the bullet and tell my co-worker how I feel.

The reality is that the man at work may be interested in you as friend. He may be kind and wants you to be happy or less stressed.If you tell him how you feel he may be very embarrassed and you will have lost a friend.

Does he know how you feel about your fiancé? Does he have any ties?

I feel you need to decide if you and your fiancé are going to stay together for all the right reasons. No point in making a contingency plan. Either you love your fiancé and want to stay with him or you don't. Nothing to do with those feelings you may have for your colleague. Once you have made up your mind you need to act. Tell your fiancé you want to part or work on making this relationship the best it can be.

The indecision you feel about your colleague will the resolve itself. Remember you have seen this man only at work. It's very different to doing all the activities you do with your fiancé. There is no guarantee your colleague will want to be part of your life so you cannot hold him in reserve just in case.

Consider your feelings for both men separately and make a decision about how you feel. I suggest you make sure about your fiancé, that you definitely want him to be with you or not and go ahead with that thought. Once that is over and depending on your decision you can think about a new romance or stay away from your colleague.

Mary

[white knight]

Hi and welcome.

I endorse Tim's reply.

For what its worth, I wouldnt be advancing your current relationship unless it settles. Tim asked relevant questions about feelings for your coworker if arguements at home werent there.

So, this leaves you in a dilemma. The important thing is that while you have a sense of urgency currently, you dont really need to make any moves.

Take your time and try to relax.

TonyWK