Not sure about my relationship anymore. Help?

[unicornprincess29]

Hi everyone,

My BF and I are going through a rough patch lately.... and I’m not sure whether it is just a rough patch, or if this could be the end. We’ve been together for about 3 years now and we recently moved in together. I’ve had depression and anxiety for about a year now, and he’s been super supportive of me. I don’t think I could have gotten through a lot of what’s happened over the past year without him.

Anyway, things have changed between us over the past month or two. We barely used to argue, we probably argued a handful of times in 3 years, but now we argue almost every week. I know couples are meant to have fights, but I also know every week is ridiculous, and some of the things we fight about are even more ridiculous. I won’t bore you with the details, but it’s all trivial stuff. Also, during one or two arguments we’ve had, he‘s also threatened to leave me. I have talked to a few people about the details, and they don’t think I was in the wrong and they do think it’s wrong of him to threaten me like that (I agree).

He rarely ever apologises and obviously that’s testament to him thinking he’s always in the right. I won’t say I think I’m always right, but even when I am, I do apologise to people after I argue with them.... because I believe it’s the right thing to do. Or, I at least sit down with someone and let them know why I reacted/felt the way I did. My BF and I don’t even talk about the fights afterwards anymore, we just kind of go back to being normal. Or if I try and talk about it, it’s just a really brief conversation.

Again, I won’t say that I’m never at fault, but a lot of these fights start because my BF over the past month or two has developed a really bad temper. He hasn’t ever physically hurt me or anything, and I’m not scared of him doing so, but I am getting a bit annoyed at how short a fuse he’s had and how things go from being perfect one minute to completely horrible the next minute. I know he’s had a hard time with study and work lately, so I’ve tried to be understanding, but there’s only so much I can take as well.

The hard part is that when things are going well, it’s 100% perfect and I can see us having a future together and everything. But when things are bad, it’s really hard... because there’s times when I question whether I’m even loved anymore.

So what do you think.... Rough patch or something more?

[geoff]

hello Unicornprincess, r/ships change as soon as you decide to move in together, it's much different than when you both go home after a day/night out, now you know what each of you do 24/7, what to cook for dinner, when to go to bed and what to watch on telly, so there are always decisions that have to be made, and whether or not it's agreed upon can be an issue.
My wife (ex) also never apologised to me and never said 'sorry' so I know how you feel, as it makes you feel as though he only wants to be head of the house, but there are times when this shouldn't be so.
R/ships are always great when everything is going well, but we can't expect this to happen all the time, but making up can be fun, however if his personality has changed and now become angry or showing signs of anger, then that's something you need to be careful of, only because it may get worse.
I just wonder whether living together is what he really wants, and if you can see the difference before you moved into what it's like now then that may answer your question, I know you will have to consider what is going to happen long term.
I realise that his work and study maybe issues here, and have they changed from beforehand. Geoff.

[unicornprincess29]

Hi Geoff! Sorry I didn’t realise we were already in October haha, I actually moved in early this year, and prior to that we were together basically all the time, I was just going home to sleep, so moving in didn’t feel like much of a change at all. I hope this is what he wants because he really wanted this when we were discussing it. Obviously I wanted to move in too, but he was the one who first brought it up and when it was just an idea, he really pushed to see it happen. The first couple of months of us living together were great, so I’m not sure if that’s the issue now 😕

[Spikeo]

Hi Unicornprincess

Geoff is right. Even if the first few months were good its still a "honeymoon period" it's new and exciting then he may realise small things you do that he doesn't like simply because hes not used to it. My wife and i never argued or fought before we moved in, been married 10 years and still argue at least once a week- her mental state doesn't help though. But a small thing you do on top of his study/work stress can push him over the edge. Alot of members here know the story, you have a bad day at work then go home and the mood doesn't change and you end up taking your frustration out on your partner.

My psychologist has told me a few times the way we are each raised brings different views on how life/a partner "should" be. His view and your view will be different, neither is wrong, but just different. Even seemingly insignificant things like you like a bed made this certain way he might not care if its made at all!

If hes up for it maybe see a couples therapist. They will help each of you realise things like ive mentioned.

Id say what youre experiencing is very common. But your still hurting from it so its worth trying to fix. (I get told to leave almost weekly!)

Hope this helps and wish you all the best.

[geoff]

hi Unicornprincess, thanks for getting back and I can't remember such an immediate reply before.

I would just keep on eye on how it all pans out, so please get back to us anytime, not only for this issue but any other ones that may arise.

I know you both love each other, but sometimes things can get out of hand. Geoff.