Not in a Happy Place

[Petals54]

Hello everyone,

This is my first time posting on this site, I will try to keep it brief and I do apologize if I do ramble.

I’m 54, about to turn 55 this month, I am married and been together with my husband for nearly 7 years. In 2012, I was diagnosed with PTSD, Anxiety & Depression after a work place injury which required 2 hand surgeries. After the surgeries & counseling things were going well, I got married in 2014 , then it all went to crap.... I was diagnosed with Perimenopause and everything changed for me... my anxiety and depression started to creep back into my life and I also realized that my husband had the most paranoid/ Controlling/ ADHD/ extreme temper behaviors that the never really noticed before... So, here I am in a daily basis, not knowing what mood my husband will be in, whether he will fly off the handle over burnt toast, I ‘m feeling anxious even before I get out of bed, I feel stressed every single day and I put a fake smile on my face. We are together 24/7.... we have our own business, he doesn’t want me to get my own job, I have no friends....

I have been seriously thinking I want my old life back, I am so so tired of feeling anxious and stressed on a daily basis. I still love my husband but not enough to live like this, does that make sense? My husband has told me during arguments that if I am not happy I should pack up and leave, maybe I should, I just know I am not happy, I feel like I am living a lie and I feel lost.... I want my own space to do nothing, not be constantly on the go like i am now. I just don’t know what to do or where to start.

Thankyou for listening

take care

Jayne

[Desedrata]

Hi Jayne,

I think it would be a really good idea if you call the hotline at the top of the page. Where love is involved it is best to talk things through with a professional. They will help you help yourself in a non-biased way.

Big hug

[Croix]

Dear Jayne~

You have had some pretty horrible thngs happen to you. For the moment I would like to suggest that your relationship sounds most unhappy, with a controlling and threatening person.

Being discouraged from having your own job, and being isolated from friends is most probably a symptom of a particular type of abusive person.

May I suggest you talk to those who are very experienced in this area, 1800REPECT (1800 737 732). They can give you an outside view -perspective, and can realistically discuss your options. After all it may not be easy to follow your inclinations without your own source of funds, they may have suggestions.

With PTSD, anxiety and depression (things I'm familiar with, may I ask if you have a competent medical team to help you though? I simply kept getting worse until I did.

Is there anyone in your life to give you support -family perhaps? You sound very alone.

We are always here and understand

Croix

[Petals54]

Hello Desedrata,

Thank You for your reply. I hadn’t thought about calling the hotline. It would have to be when I have time on my own as my husband would totally freak if he found I was telling strangers about our personal life.

Thank You again

Petals54 (Jayne)

[Petals54]

Hello Croix,

Thank You for your reply. It’s a strange situation that I am in, although my husband isn’t fully controlling or abusive( ie I have money, I can go out etc) I’m not sure if what I am dealing with is abuse? He just has these paranoid, ADHD, Anger issues, which makes me anxious and stressed when he really does go off over trivial things. My PTSD was diagnosed back in 2012/13 and with counseling it seemed to be ok, with the Perimenopause it has unfortunately brought everything back as my hormones/ mindset is all over the shop.... My husband wants me all to himself I guess and he would rather I didn’t get a job, he would give me reasons not to go for a job such as “There would be a lot of sleaze bags working there” so I don’t bother trying. Unfortunately I do not have friends or family I can talk to, anyone I do get close to such as neighbors, he will find something wrong with them and talk behind their backs. He would go right off if he even knew I was in here talking to strangers about how i’m feeling. I certainly can’t talk to him about this, he assumes that I am over my PTSD, Depression and Anxiety, he wouldn’t understand why I am feeling this way.

I am going through every day with a smile plastered on my face, every day with my husband is the same, even on the weekend, same, same,same! I am screaming inside and feel that soon I will have a full on breakdown.

Thank You again for your reply

Petals54 (Jayne)

[monkey_magic]

Hi Petals54,

Welcome to the forums. I hope u don't mind me saying this but jealousy and control are characteristics of emotional abuse.

You sound very intelligent and that you'ld like to get your life back away from the way he is making u feel which isn't secure and happy.

I have been in a similar relationship, left, stayed friends-he was much better as a friend and moved and moved on.

It feels free-ing.

You deserve nothing less than respect and a partner you can be yourself with. This situations sounds depletive and exhausting.

Ive called 1800 respect and they were great.

I wish you all the best and we are always here to listen.

MMx

[Desedrata]

I know when I was in such a relationship I was not permitted to have a bath and he always wanted to shower with me. I had to tell him it was a practical shower and even then he'd try and join me. I'd have to make sure the water was virtually cold so, he wouldn't join me just so that I had that few moments to myself. If however you have a bath at your place and you can get some alone time in there, it is a good oppurtunity to call the hotline assuming you can't be heard from in that room in your home. Also, the pubilc toilets under the excuse of an upset stomache and that you might be a while. Might give you enough time to make the call.

[Petals54]

Hi monkey _magic,

Thank you for your reply. I guess I hadn’t thought of it as being emotional abuse but it makes sense. No, it seems I cannot be myself where my husband is concerned, he picks on things I say or anxiety mannerisms that I have while we are out, he says it makes me a target to others...I keep telling him this is who I am, take it or leave it, he gets the upsets and says it up to you.... I feel like the can’t win, but also I have become a “yes” person where he is concerned. I do not want a confrontation and as such go along with whatever is happening at the time, including sex which I have to say with the Perimenopause is basically just going through the motions.....

I just want my old life back...

Thank you again and I will try the 1800 respect number.

petals54

[monkey_magic]

Hi Petals54,

The good news is with courage life is changeable and things can improve. I'm thinking without the partner or with couples therapy but that's not for me to determine.

You poor thing. It's a one way street in the bedroom. I feel he should be more supportive so you dont have to always be that yes person.

I remember chatting to someone on here that said the exact same thing. They had to be a certain way to avoid confrontation. There's a power imbalance there.

I will send you strength. It's a really hard situation that your faced with and I feel for you.

I hope you find some comfort here.

Remember you really do hold the power to make the changes you need to be happy. You are number one. It's your beautiful life.

MMx

[Croix]

Dear Jayne~

It is precisely becsue when in a poor relationship it is hard to realise that in fact it is poor -or abusive - that 1800REPECT is suggested. It does not mean you are planning on moving out or doing anything drastic, it simply allows you to find out what is happening (i.e. gain perspective).

If you do talk to them please do not give in to the temptations to excuse or mini-mise, please just sat it as it is -and how it makes you feel. Let them draw the conclusions.

What you do once you have the unvarnished facts is another matter. Being a 'yes' person, going his way for peace, being intimate when not feeling good about it are all things you need to have rectified, otherwise you can get to the stage of seriously de-valuing yourself.

As MM says, you need to be happy and fulfilled, not living in someone's shadow, it is your right.

Croix