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Not ever married a year..

Community Member

So, I married the girl I love Feb this year, things were going good or so it seemed. She met a guy at gym and was training with him pretty regular until one time I happened to find inappropriate messages between them admitting they had a crush on each other. I confronted her and she said she would not speak to him. However, she continued. Until eventually I said it was either him or me, she chose me. Told him the next day but 'hung out' for a little while after which I was upset about. We had a massive argument and she told me I smother her and don't give her room to be her own person, can I blame her when she wants to hang out with him and go to the movies etc with HIM. 

 Anyways, so we had a week 'break' where she stayed at her folks. She came home the following weekend and broke up with me but wanted to remain friends. I have since moved back to my folks and it was two months shy of a year being married. I have since spoken to her and we have agreed to meet up and hang out, I feel so confused as I have had friends be supportive and when I tell them we are meeting up they seemed to have a negative response and don't like that I am.

I am worried that I am still very confused and unsure if I wish to pursue reconciling with her because she has hurt/angered me with how she just 'gave up' without giving it one last try. I feel like I will lose friends and the respect of family but I can't just let her go. But I am unsure if I am just in the phase where I am missing 'what we had' and not her. I guess after seeing her will help with that. I want to take things really slow and not rush back into living together or anything, I want to make sure that we won't make that same mistake twice and I end up hurt. What's the best way to work out if I truly want to be with her and not 'what we had'? What is the best way to communicate and act around her that could make things work out between us? Any other advice will be helpful.

I was very close with her family and they have been very supportive but of course she is their daughter and I have not heard from them since moving back to my parents house. But her family never wanted this to happen and have told me they hope it works out. Please help, I am so tired of all the ups and downs and want to know if I should pursue reconciling or just try and move on with my life.

1 Reply 1

Community Member

Dear Malokai.  It sounds as though she wants her cake and eat it too.  Why did she agree to marry you if she wants to be with other guys, that doesn't make sense to me?  I think your friends are concerned with the dance she seems to be leading you.  As you say, her family are going to be there for her when the chips are down.  You probably don't want to hear this, but I think you should try and just get on with your life.  Your wife is not going to change, no matter what you do.  Maybe she will come home, for a while, till the next guy takes her eye, sorry to have to say that.  She's always going to be 'looking', she has a roving eye and she will keep hurting you, whether she wants to or not.  Some people are never satisfied with what they've got till they lose it.  You need to be with someone who wants the same things you do.  Your wife, unfortunately doesn't want what you offer.  The decision is yours, rather than hers.  I would tell her what I want in marriage, ask if she wants the same thing.  Ask her to be totally honest, it'll hurt, but better be hurt now, than let it continue.  I realise you're hurting, but the longer you continue to let it continue, the harder it's going to get.  You're a one-girl guy, she's not a one- guy girl.  I'm so sorry if that is upsetting.  I really sympathise with what you're going through.

Best of luck.