Not coping with interstate move

[Seriously_Scarred]

Hi

I have suffered from Depression & Anxiety for over 20 years. Last year my husband was made redundant due to the down turn in the coal mining industry. He found it hard to find work in our area in his trade so we looked online for work interstate and there was alot. Long story but I moved 1000klms away 6 weeks ago.. Im a carer for my 15 year old son whom has severe anxiety and has stopped going to school or leaving the house for social outings due to this. My eldest son (23) chose to stay where he was and my daughter(21) is coming down to live with us this weekend.

My husband found a great job and he moved down last Feb to start the job leaving me and my daughter to pack up the house which was stressful.

I recently came across a conversation on my husbands phone between him and a women who apparently lives in another country. He has been playing this online game for well over a year which has taken up alot of his time but she was playing this game as well and she had sent pictures (not naked) of herself to him and messages with love hearts and they were calling each other sweetie and darl and things like Ive missed talking to you cutie. I approached him and showed him what Id found and he said it was all harmless and there was no emotional connection between them.

I feel like Ive been cheated on and he said that he knows that it doesnt look good but he meant nothing by it. I feel I felt sick reading those messages. In the 19 years we have been together I have never felt he would cheat on me as we have a wonderful marriage...he is my best friend. He told me he has deleted the game but I found it hidden in a folder on his Ipad a week later . I found some other messages from him to her saying he missed her chats and he was calling her babe and cutie pie and all that. We had another fight and he said he would stop playing all games but He has started playing another game now and he says it is his relaxation time.

I know no one here, Ive left my son and elderly father behind as well as all my relatives and friends, my husband works 12 hour days and comes home and plays his game much to my disgust and goes to bed. Im trying to deal with my son who hates getting out of bed and Im trying to get him to school.

Im Just not coping and feel betrayed and alone. My self esteem is zero, Im overweight. I dont know how to get out of this hole and just want to run.

Im sorry to whinge but even if no one replys, I feel better getting that off my chest.

[geoff]

hello, I'm so sorry that there is too much going on for you at the moment, and there seems to be 4 issus here, your son, the move, your anxiety/depression and then your husband, all of which take an incredible amount out of you.
Being a carer for your son is hard work, especially if he doesn't want to get out of bed and go to school, so firstly can I ask if he has seen your doctor with the possibility of being on medication and referred to a psychologist, I know that money might be tight, but he cn be put onto a medical health plan where he can see a psych for 10 free visits, and whether this has also happened for you.
Moving away can also be an enormous issue, because you have to pack which is always terrible to do, plus you're leaving your dad and son behind, so this must be very concerning, especially when you father is elderly, as well as all your friends and relations behind and join your husband who has an online affair if I can call it that.
This is not what you had ever hoped for, because no matter how long he says he will stop it, unfortunately I don't believe he ever will, as he seems to have fallen in love with someone online, and by doing this can be very dangerous, in that he is enticed into believing that this person, a lady, also loves him.
True or false, but then she may also ask for money or to keep him hooked which will certainly change his mind that he loves her even more, and that's not what you want.
You now have some big decisions to make, because you're definitely not happy, still struggling with your anxiety and depression and coping with trying to help your son and then the rest on top of all of this.
Can I ask if you have had help with your own anxiety and depression in terms of being medicated and perhaps had any counselling, and you can only answer this if you want to, but the main problem is your husband as well as moving away.
I could suggest counselling with both of involved, but I don't think it will work because he will always talk with her somehow, so there are a few options for you to consider, which I believe you already know, but I would love to continue this with you. Geoff. x

[Seriously_Scarred]

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for your reply. My son was hospitalized in 2014 for an eating disorder bought on by his anxiety. Since then he has had weekly or fortnightly counselling and has been on medication. 12 months ago, things were going really well, he was back to school full time, eating well, exercising. He didnt want to be on meds anymore and went off them gradually. Sadly this was a BIG mistake as it co incided with my husband losing his job and he started worrying what the future held. A big relapse happened and we immediately got him back into counselling and back on meds. We are due to see a new psych next week.

As for me, Ive been medicated for 20 years, been hospitalized 3 times for my depression ( my hubby and I met in hospital) and Im being referred to a psych but waiting till money is a bit better first.

Ive suggested to my husband that we go to marriage counselling and he has agreed but when he works a 12 hour shift week days its hard to find the time.My son has heard us arguing and came to me the other day and made me promise him that we wont break up...he said it would kill him.

As for the online affair? Is it classified an affair when its not physical? Thats the question. I feel that Ive been cheated on. I feel that if he had sort of respect for me and our marriage he would not talk all lovey dovey to another women. There was nothing sexual in what I read but it was way beyond being friendly.

Thankyou Geoff for your reply and advice. I truley apprecite you taking the time to do that.

Hope you are having a good day.