Not allowed to visit family with baby

[shorti]

Hey all,

I have a 3 month old baby.

My husband won't let me take our baby to my dad's house unless he is with me.

The reason is my dad can be a bit controlling and hubby does not want any bad influences on our baby. For example when I was only two weeks postpartum my dad wanted to know when I was going back to work because he wants to baby sit and joked about driving our baby around the state in his 4wd. Another example, if we don't vote the political party my dad likes he gives us a lecture about how his father fought in WW2 and we are disrespecting his father (my grandfather).

Also my dad has a habit of saying one thing and doing another so it's hard to trust him.

On Good Friday we visited dad and my brother was there who then tested positive for COVID on Easter Sunday. My brother called to let us know but dad told him not to tell us so we don't get worried, so in other words he keeps secrets so it's hard to trust him. So I can understand my husband not wanting my dad to babysit, but even if I am around he is still against it.

Also there is domestic violence between my dad and brother where it can get quite physical. My brother gave dad a black eye a few months ago. So my husband does not want our baby around this which I agree. However I would still like to visit my dad from time to time. I'm currently on maternity leave and my husband works from home. I can't have visitors over because we are in a small house and will disturb my husband. I don't want to spend the next year on maternity leave sitting on a couch with my baby. I want to get out and about for my own mental health.

My mother's group starts next Tuesday and my husband isn't happy I'm going although he is allowing it. He says these days you can't trust people and new friendships aren't what they used to be. He is worried about bad influences on our baby particularly around people I don't yet know.

So far I'm feeling good after birth but I'm worried I may end up with some sort of postnatal depression or loneliness if I'm isolated from other people.

Is my husband over the top by not letting me go anywhere unless he comes along too? Even to my dad's place? I don't want to go to dad's every week, maybe once a month or something. My mum also passed away 17 years ago so I have been a bit down that she's not around.

[Karen0901]

Yes, it is over the top. Just because you had a baby doesn't mean he can now tell you where you can go or what you can do. His actions are very controlling and I would be wary about how he is trying to stop you making friends. I worry he is using your baby as a way to control you. However, I don't know him well enough to say with certainty.

A 3 month old baby will not be influenced by the things you are describing. They are too young. They need their needs met and to be responded to by their categiver. Complex social situations are still beyond them. As a parent, avoiding things is not the right way stop bad influences. You can not control everything. You have to teach your child the skills they need to recognize and avoid them.

The only thing I would be concerned about was if your baby is safe at your Dad's place. If you say yes, the baby is safe, then I see no problem at the current time.

[Petal22]

Hi shorti,

Well come to our forums.

I'm sorry your husband is behaving this way but I do understand it from a mothers point of view who went through this same behaviour but it was me behaving this way to some extent as your husband.

When my children were babies I wouldn't feel comfortable taking my babies to family and friends houses, Id also worry about people coming to my house to see the baby and I was very hesitant in joining a mothers group due to all of the worries i was having about other people being around my baby.

I actually tried really hard to avoid all of the above.

After some time my worrying became severe I knew I needed to seek help, from my gp through to psychiatrist .... I was diagnosed with postnatal anxiety and parental OCD.

Fathers can also suffer with this condition not just the mother.

The anxiety felt with these conditions is severe.

Maybe you could try to encourage your husband to see his gp and discuss how he's feeling.

In regards to yourself I really think you do need to get out and about with your baby, please don't just sit at home on the couch.... this is a mistake I made..... but at the time I didn't realise the conditions that I had.... I was so anxious i felt like I needed to protect my baby in extreme ways...... but this was part of the condition.

After seeking the help I needed I recovered.

If you feel your baby is safe around certain people that you know then you know these people and yourself.

Please chat to me any time