Non healing CPTSD, homelessness and addiction, abusive family.

[Sinala]

Life has never really been easy, and I haven't really written or spoken about a lot of things I need to get out before. I won't talk about the past but what's going on as of recent. As of recent my struggles have got progressively worse. I stopped taking medication because I wanted to change them and then the new ones wouldn't help me. Progressively my mental health declined and I would stupidly take drugs with people who hated me and abused me every time they would invite me to there house. I eventually cut them off and wanted to start my journey quitting drugs. Then even sober friends would bring me down. I was really concerned for a suicidal friend and was worried she would harm herself. Eventually she and her boyfriend accused me of insinuating for her to harm herself, and someone who also struggles with mental health issues I would never no matter the circumstances. After that they destroyed my artwork that really ment a lot to me, that art I made helped me start my journey to wanting to heal my mental health. My own mother tells me to go harm myself when I'm already depressed and things just get progressively worse. My own family hates me and clearly hates me and never believe me about my traumas. I had a argument and fight with my mums friend but she won almost asphyxiating me which has made me more anxious around people and public again. Also my mother attacked afterward. My mother hit me first and put a family intervention order on me.  I just didn't contest the order and I am now regretting my decision not too. I've always been her personal punching bag out of all my siblings. I've never seen her attack them. I'm done with my mother for good, I never want to be in her presence to have the chance to attack me again. Now I'm homeless and I start work on January 23rd first job in 5 years due to past trauma. I'm hoping I can be okay and maintain work. I miss my pet, certain deceased friends all the time on top of this. I have no friends at the moment I can trust. I just want to keep going and gain independence but it's so hard while I'm so broken. I wish I had advice on how to manage. I would rather not end up in a mental health ward. Being in this town is so hard, it also brings back so many bad memories. I just need to manage but numb the pain. It's getting real intense. 

[Croix]

Dear Sinala~

I'd like to offer you a gentle caring place here you can come anytime. Life has handed you a really hard deal - and that does not count the things you don't mention from before - and trying to cope with it all both on practical and mental health levels must seem very daunting.

You sound a caring and sensitive person. Even though it went sour you tried to help your friend, and taking that on was a big and worrying thing. You also sound sensible, cutting off from those bad influences is one example, trying to adjust medication is another, even if at this stage it has not worked well. You are at least making sensible moves.

I guess being removed from your mother is a mixed blessing, there are practical difficulties plus the grief you are not cared for. However now you are away from her and her ability to abuse you. I too ended up separated from my parents. It took a long time to see them  as the toxic people they really were - not the idealized/normalised view I'd tried to hold on to as a kid.

Are there any in your family that do care?

While being on a psych ward is no picnic, still I've found it has helped, so please don't write off that  possibility out of hand.

Having a job from the 29th sounds hopeful and I suspect form the tone of your message and what you  talk about you'll manage.

Using art to help can be a wonderful thing, pouring out things onto paper or whatever medium you use may well make them easier to deal with or simply change the mood. May I ask what sot of art you do?

Croix

[Sinala]

Mostly painting and drawing. Since making this post I've started knitting. Thankyou for sharing your kind words and wisdom. I really appreciate it. ❤️

[Croix]

Dear Sinala~

You're welcome, it's nice to hear from you again. I guess knitting is a relaxing sort of pastime. Have you get to the stage it is automatic? If I'm doing something that uses my hands I tend to listen to podcasts or comedy on the radio, its a good combination.

It's a pity some of your artwork was destroyed, but then again if you do more now they may be better due to your growing (seeing people more clearly) - if that makes sense.

Have you found a place to stay yet?

Croix

[Sinala]

Dear Croix,

1. Yes very much at automatically knitting while listening to music. I also and excited to start practising to play guitar again. I do plan on creating art again just awaiting to have money to pay for canvasses and the paint I need. I still haven't found somewhere to stay yet, but am applying for properties endlessly and may be getting put into a boarding house which scares me abit but it should be better than having nowhere.

[AnotherRandomUser]

I am really sorry to hear how much you have been through, its sounds like youve been working so hard to better your life only to be met with a lot of setbacks and horrific abuse. Its any wonder your feeling the way you do, youve been forced to endure more than anyone should ever have to. I hope you dont give up though, because you deserve a wonderful future and while youve met some the worst people so far, I'm sure youll find kinder people one day and will feel much happier.
I wish you luck with the job, but also try to be kind to yourself, your already pushing yourself way past your limits to survive so don't beat yourself up if you ever meet a challenge your not ready for yet. Just do your best and I hope life is kinder to you so you can have the time you need to grieve and to move forward to something brighter.

Also wanted to let you know that since AVO's work both ways, a Family Intervention Order would likely work both ways too. What I mean is, the person who puts the order out is not allowed to harass or abuse the other person either or they can get in trouble too. So if your mother (or someone on behalf of your mother) does anything to breach the Order, do let the police know.
If you need to know your rights though, you can call the police and ask about it. I think theres a Police Assistance Line that might be helpful, or you can call a local station.