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No sex ,frustrated and depressed

Community Member


I have been married for almost 5 years now .We have a kid who is almost turning 2.Sex in our relationship was very good untill we had our son ,it was like both parties ready anytime we felt like it.Then after our son was born ,it was still good for a year after he was born.Eventhough not frequently like before,but i was totally ok with that.Then after that 1 year mark my wifes attitude towards sex has changed dramatically.She says she doesnt enjoy sex anymore and shes providing a whole lot of excuses to justify her part.My wife is a very bold and opinionated personality who can be very fun to be around certain times.We used to fight on our differences and use bad words to bring each other down.But that was only occasionally like every couple and it never affected our sex life before.But now shes is bring up all those up and says i have treated her badly and she doesnt deserve that and she cant have sex at the same time.These bad incidents she has been talking about are minor and silly ones.I think shes is trying to justify her part with all these.At home i do a significant part of cooking,washing dishes cleaning and looking after my son when i am home. I also travel for work quite a lot ,during that time she has to do all the work unfortunately.She only works partime also.Anyway i tried communitating openly about my frustration and sadness for not having sex,but she is just very reactive.I have been rejected so many times and when ever she agreed she just lay on the bed like a dead rubber.So for the past few months i stopped initiating sex due to fear of rejection and low self esteem.But for me its causing so much frustration ,sadness and not even sure whether i am depressed.Whenever i see my son playing around me i just forget everything and be happy around the house.i sleep in a different room now and my wife thinks i am happy satisfying my sexual desires by myself.But every night when i go to bed my sadness,depression and frustration creeps in .I am waking up multiple times at night.Just feel helpless and hate life now except my son.I feel like there is no hope to change this coz of the personality of my wife.I have spoke about going to marriage councelling with no response from her.She is living like its not the end of the world.I just had to vent out somewhere.

17 Replies 17

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Hope4321

Welcome and for having the strength to speak from the heart too!

I understand what you are going through and from what you have mentioned it can be excruciatingly painful. You have made an effort to suggest joint counseling and good on you. When you mentioned that you had no response....was that a 'no'?

Just my humble opinion....Could you offer to see your wife's GP either jointly or on your own to show your commitment to the relationship/marriage? You have everything to gain and nothing to lose....(just an idea)

What do you think?

my kind thoughts


Community Member

Hi Hope4321,

Please understand that I don’t want to presume that my situation is the same as yours. I can only speak from my experience. I’m hoping it might help you find some answers.

I’m actually going through a separation at the moment. We have 2 children. It actually took 2 years of sleeping in separate beds before I took the courage to really talk to my partner. I was actually the one that was avoiding the intimacy. I was frightened of having more children and the day-to-day parenting had made the relationship pedestrian. Ultimately the spark was never really strong enough.

In the end I realised I had to find the courage to really talk. I started the conversation by saying I just want us to both be happy. It’s important that we’re both honest and transparent with one another.

Avoiding that discussion and allowing fear of rejection to dictate will ultimately have one outcome. It’s extremely difficult and relationships can be so complex and challenging. Try your best to remove the emotion and focus on what’s best for your son. Be caring and don’t try to push a certain outcome that suits your best interests.

We never went to a marriage councillor, but I doubt we would have both opened up honestly in front of a stranger. Try the honest heart to heart if possible, and if that fails, keep suggesting marriage counselling.

Hope that helps.


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear Hope4321,

As I read your post, there were a couple of things that kind of 'jumped out' at me. And please forgive me if I am wrong in what I'm about to say, because I am only seeing one side of the story on here, so there may be far more going on than what I am reading in the post above. Also, I should tell you that I am not a parent ..... but I am a woman with emotional needs, just as your partner is, and just as you are.

The first thing that jumped out at me was where you said that "These bad incidents she has been talking about are minor and silly ones." ..... maybe to you they are, but if she is bringing them up again, then clearly to her they are neither minor, nor silly. Perhaps she is feeling dismissed, if that is what has been said to her? Us women need to know that we can 'vent' to our men, without being told we are 'silly' or things that are of a big concern to us, are just 'minor' to someone else. We all have our different strengths and challenges, so we can all react very differently to what may appear to be the 'same' thing. As my sister once said to me: "If two people are standing at the same window looking out from inside the same room, they will still give you a different perspective on what they see outside."

Also, where you said that "She only works part time" .... maybe in a paid capacity, yes, but what about all the constant care she provides for your son, 24/7, while you are away travelling? Being a Mum is not a part time position, any more than being a Dad is part time.

And finally, childbirth has a huge impact on a person's body and mind, probably in ways she, and you, both never expected, as well as having a major change too on the way you both relate to each other, and to the child. And sex is bound to be affected by those changes. Life as you knew it pre-child, will never be the same again.

Having said all that, we all have needs and sex is certainly a large part of intimacy in a relationship .... but intimacy is also emotional. And I am sorry to hear that you are sleeping in separate rooms. That really makes me sad for you.

I do hope that you can get to some counseling or at least find help and support soon, and that it leads to positive change.

Anyway, I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. Take care. xo

Community Member

I have only suggested counselling once during an argument and she kept quiet. The other instance i suggested through message and she didn't reply to that.I haven't really took that effort to sit with her and talk about it seriously ,since i don't see much hope in it rather than giving it a try.And i do understand that women take things differently and they have different emotional needs. Sometimes for me when i have too much other things going through my head like work stress,financial problem,family future etc.., she really can get me on my nerves and we get into arguments which we can't avoid. We had these arguments and emotional breakdowns before as well like every other couple,but at the end i always take the initiative to say sorry and get in good terms.During these arguments i do say things which hurt her feelings about her and her family and she does the same thing to me.I try my best to avoid these confrontations, but she kind of asks for it at least every month to the point she cries and breaks down.Even when we had these arguments and differences ,we had plenty of moments of happiness as a family particularly around my son even now. And the sex was kind of bonding it together before. But now the sex is gone somehow ,i feel very empty and frustrated. We don't have much arguments or emotional breakdowns for the past couple of months since we don't expect anything from each other. She seems to be really ok with that ,but i am deeply hurt and burning inside even though i laugh around. Her focus in life has fully changed to my son and rest of the time she spends a lot of time in mums group forums/online. She doesn't either fully understand the severity of a sexless relationship and take the effort to fix it or she is using it as a weapon/revenge to control me since her libido is gone.

I cant think of a seperation at this stage since my son is too young, but to keep going until i cant take it anymore. For the time being ,i wish at some point in the near future,her sex drive will come back and she will initiate it without thinking of it as a favour to the husband.

I know that for a long time I too struggled to understand the opposite sex (which for me, is men) and didn't understand why they are the way they are. But what I found to be very helpful was a couple of books:

One is called "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" which explains, in a metaphoric way, why men and women are so different. There is actually a series of them, including one called "Mars and Venus in the bedroom" which you may find helpful? I know it helped me a lot.

I thought of another book too before, but now I can't remember it. Sorry. Bit of a Dory fish, I am!


Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Hope4321,

To get to my point you will have to put up with a little bit of a story from me... At one time I was in a similar position to you, and I did speak with my wife about the situation and we were able to work out a way forward. Fast forward to today (figuratively speaking) and note that I am also taking ADs and one of the issues with one type of medication were things like "low sex drive" etc. I asked my psychiatrist about this and she said that we would cover that if it happened, as intimacy in marriage is important - slight paraphrase, but the meaning is there. So, in more ways than one I can empathize with your situation.

While you might have communications your frustrations to her, I wonder if you have asked her for her side of the story? What is preventing her to stopping her from ...? And if you mentioned that she doesn't under the impact vs using it as a weapon, then perhaps that conversation is needed? And are there ways that together you could find a way forward?

lastly, you mentioned the arguments as well and that she asks for it. That part of your post I did not understand. Sorry. Would you be able to explain that to me please? It sounds like the arguments get quite personal, and while you might both be able to argue over it, could she (and you) be hurting inside over the words used against each other?



We went for a weekend trip mid last year and while we were driving we had this very open and non-heated conversation about whats going on from both our sides . She said that she doesn't simply has the bodily desire anymore and doesn't feel good after sex anymore.She mentioned that its mainly when at home that she cant focus on it and she feels a bit into the mood when away from home on holidays. I could understand that with the responsibility of a mum and all. But the interesting thing is, at home i share more than half of the household duties sometimes and looking after my son after doing a full time job.She also mentioned that she cant think of sex after treating her badly during our arguments.But i am not sure how i can put all our differences apart and live a silent non argumentative life. If i had remembered all what she said/did to me and took it personal ,i would not still love her.

She gets agitated with minor things in day to day life and reacts very spontaneously . She will be under stress from work,matters related to our son,her parents and from myself which are all i think within a normal limit for a person.From what i see ,at some point she needs to let it out during an emotional attack on me by exploding and crying it out . She will be happy for a few days/weeks after that. She will create this situation even if i behave well at home since she cant let it out elsewhere. I have to ride along this journey in a cycle every month hearing all those complaints,then fighting and calming down like an emotional roller coaster.I can somehow live with that, since family life is all about sacrifices . But without intimacy ,not even an initiated hug or kiss,thats really hard to live with.

Hi Hope4321,

Can you put aside all your expectations relating to what you think your wife owes you and try to pamper her instead?

Is it possible that your wife may have suffered in some way during the birth and maybe her body does not feel receptive to sex due to pain?

If an argument is brewing, tell her you do not desire to engage in an argument, but will be happy to talk to her later when she is calmer. Walk away. Don't fire back, it doesn't help.

Not everyone holds the same feelings about the importance of sex. Maybe your wife is desiring a more emotional connection before she can engage in sex.

For some women, it can feel like a man expects you to be able to flick a switch and hey presto, you instantly want to have sex.

Timing has a lot to do with it too. Wanting sex during the half time break of the footy or after Master 2 has thrown a tantrum just might not work well.

Relationships Australia might be able to offer you some tips as might the Men's Help line.

Sexual issues can damage a relationship, I certainly understand that.

Hope you find some answers and solutions. Cheers from Dools

Hi Hope4321

Thank-you for posting back as the members above are providing you with the best support/advice they can

Just so I can understand and sorry for repeating my question.......Have you offered to see your wife's GP with her or on your own to help your marriage? (and I dont mean a marriage counselor)

I am not being judgemental in any way......You mentioned in your opening post that you travel a lot for work and I have done the same....and that can make any relationship difficult.....and unless I have missed it...you didnt mention romance anywhere...If there is only high expectations of sex without romance it will be difficult...very

Soberlicious96 mentioned above " childbirth has a huge impact on a person's body and mind, probably in
ways she, and you, both never expected, as well as having a major change too on the way you both relate to each other, and to the child. And sex is bound to be affected by those changes. Life as you knew it pre-child, will never be the same again

I do feel the pain you are going through as I have been through it. And yes it hurts

Please be kinder to yourself and offer to see your wife's doctor for a double appointment with her or even on your own. Your wife will see this as a sign of huge inner strength and that you really care about the family you have

I am sorry about the separate sleeping arrangements....that is tough to go through....I remember

you are not alone......(dont forget the romance...it may help more than you know)

your thoughts and feelings are always welcome