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No One Knows How I Really Treat My Partner
We had a fight yesterday because I stopped doing something that I promised her I would do everyday to make myself better. I lied and did not tell her about this. I then acted like a victim
and made her feel trapped and suicidal as she has no one else but me.
I am writing this because I don't have anyone around me that knows what I am really like. The thought of messaging or telling a friend or work colleague fills me with so much shame and anxiety. I don't know how to fix this or myself, I know I want to be with my partner and that they deserve someone so much better than me. The thought of losing them should have been motivation for me to change years ago.
I really am an awful person that doesn't deserve to have someone as caring and loving as my partner has been. I need serious help to fix myself.
Hi there and a warm welcome to the forums.
I'm sorry you are feeling this way about yourself and your relationship and am really glad you chose to come to BB for some some support and advice.
First thing to do is go to your GP and ask for a mental health plan to help you work through the reasons why you react or behave as you do. You also need to get some support for your partner if she is having some suicidal ideation (GP, Lifeline etc.). You can also access Relationships Australia (google) who can help you work on your relationship together and your communication with each other.
I can't accept that you are an awful person or you would not be feeling so upset about the way you have treated your partner or upset about the way she is feeling right now. You probably got angry in that moment because you were scared and maybe anger is your coping mechanism? Some people figuratively 'attack' as a way to defend themselves - It's just learned behaviour or fight/flight, something like that. Communication is the key and If you find yourself slipping into these patterns, walk away until you are able to relate more positively. Trained professionals, as suggested above, can help with this.
Let her know how you are feeling about yourself, her, and the situation, (just as you have in your post) and what your plans are to make things better.
Then, get proactive my friend and lead the way for both of you. Come back and talk anytime you need to.
Welcome to the forums and thank you for joining us. I want to echo WaterFront in that you are not an awful person. You've done awful things, and there's a difference.
It takes a lot of courage and insight to reflect on your behaviour and acknowledge that it wasn't okay, and I respect that. I hope that the forums can feel like a safe space to talk about what's going on for you.
I'm going to link to a couple of resources and hope you find them helpful. All of them are free.
Mensline: this one specialises in chatting with men and talking about responsibility and your behaviour. They have free phone counselling but also you can chat online if that seems a bit less daunting-
Better Man: this is a free resource helping to reflect on some of the triggers (which you might not notice at first) and coping strategies. Weirdly it says its for people in certain states but I'm not in those states and can access it fine-
Both of these are for men, but if you're female (or identify as one) the Better Man resource could still be helpful.
Hopefully this can be helpful and thank you for being here.