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No joy in mudville
Once again i am battling my demons . here i am at 3 in the morning cant sleep . i am feeling very low at the moment . feel like there is no love for me . feeling worthless . i was separated 10 years ago . officially divorced for about 3 years . brought on by my ex wife . i moved here from America 16 years ago , with my Australian wife and baby twins . to make a better life for my family New York was tough . i was going backwards every year . doing a job a hated , it was a family business .
i guess i was always discontent with the world . even at a young age , i felt this world was not for me . in my mid teens i started thinking of suicide. tho never got up the nerve . except for the night that i made up my mind that i was going to do this, at age 21. that night i had a call from a friend from high school , that i lost touch with . it freaked me out . well i put away the idea , but i still struggled with life . i am not always down , i still have fun here and there . i can still laugh at things , but a sadness hangs around .
The thing getting me down at the moment is a lot of things . you see , ever since the split up , the pain i fell from not being with my kids is draining me . i try and see my kids every other weekend . then only as divorced parents know . its that tearful drive back home to nothing . now that wouldn't be so bad if you felt your kids loved you . but i don't feel the love . this past weekend i blew up at my oldest son . yes i was wrong . yes i jumped to conclusions . but when you are down , and you haven't seen your kids in a month ,[ because there mother has other things planned ] and you turn up to see them . and they cant be bothered to put down there computer games to come out and say hello . it hurts . when my son did come out .[ the 3 other kids i have, did not even bother] . i did not have kind words to say . this has been going on since we split . the kids where never phased by my leaving . they just carried on like it was nothing . i feel like i was replaced by computer games and the tv . there was a time that only 1 or 2 of my kids would go anywhere with me .my ex would not force the others to go with me . they where allowed to stay home and play video games . i watched my kids get fat , out of shape . learn nothing . it was killing me inside . i tried talking to them to many times about the amount of time they play .
my 16 year old daughter has told my family in the U.S. i am a bad farther , ( we have very little communication these days) . she thinks i am a looser . and i feel like one . she is tired of seeing my miserable face . she thinks i am looking for sympathy . she had the nerve of telling my family in N.Y. this past summer .( we went as a family so my family could finally meet my kids) that i was being fake . she has not seen me smile or be happy in a while . so when we where back in N.Y. with my family , i was smiling i was happy for a while . she did not see what happened after i left them to go back to my place, once we got back to Australia .( i have also high anxiety at this time ). i got back to my place and it felt like i had a nervous breakdown . i could not stop crying , i could not stop shaking . thank god i had some medicine to take . i took enough to knock me out . and i feared the next day .the next week , i did not know how i was going to pull through . this lasted for a month till i was felling a little better this year alone i don't know how many days of work i have missed . i go through periods where i can function . then i have relapse into not being able to go to work .
i have lost most of what i had . bad business decisions , being erratic, getting screwed by other people . has left me pretty much broke and broken . i am heartbroken , and the love that i would like to feel from my kids is not there . which makes me not want to go there and get rejected again . i went through that for 10 years being married to a woman that was mad at me most of the time . rejection is my middle name . you can only take so much . this has affected me to the point where i do feel worthless . i feel like no woman wants a man like me . i dont go out anymore , i cant look a woman in the eye . i walk with my head down . trying not to make eye contact . i have been alone now for 8 years . no girlfriends , no nothing . i feel like i have nothing to offer .
there is a lot more that i am not putting down . it would sound like a soap opera of bad luck , sorry for jumping around with my story , its the way my brain is .
Thanks for listening
Hi Vel (but I must say, I do like your other name of "Joe Banana" 🙂
Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and writing up your post.
Wow, it sure sounds like it's been an awfully hard time for you for a long time now. There are some fantastic people on this site who will be able to offer you some really useful pieces of advice with different aspects of your situation.
What I would like to address is something that you didn't touch on and that is to do with any professional help that you may be receiving? ie: have you been seeing a GP, a professional psych to talk through your issues and whether they have you on any medications at all?
You've got a lot of things happening and as you say, you felt like you were jumping around with your story as that is how your brain is at the moment. So I think if you can take the next step (the first one was coming here and posting) and the 2nd one is to seek out a GP for professional assistance. On this website, Beyond Blue have a list of GP's available who are all trained up in regard to Mental Health Issues and hopefully your search will be able to find you one or two in your local area.
Vel, I hope some of what I've said has made sense and been useful and I do hope that you can get back to us as well.
when I read your post it touched me deeply. I can relate to what you're feeling. I.m experiencing a severe depression right now. I've never been married but had a few serious relationships but I'm currently single. Where I. Australia do you live? I feel the same that no man would want to be with me. Hang in there and I'd like to talk further. My name is Gabby. I also have a 19 year old daughter.