No income of my own or access to my husband’s money... what are my options if I leave him, we have 3 kids

[Confused_mum_of_3]

My husband and I are at breaking point.. we have 3 kids ages 6,4 and 1. There are so many things that I don’t even know where to start... but what led me to here was looking at my options. I am a full time uni student, the only payments I receive are the family tax benefit of $233 per fortnight.. my husband transfers $350 a week to me. I am responsible for all our groceries, childcare fees, Foxtel account, my phone bill, my car/fuel/expenses and other miscellaneous things.. I struggle week to week to make ends meet. I have hoped for many years that we could work through our issues, but now the kids are getting older and impacted by his behaviour and the breakdown of our relationship. For a long time I have thought once I graduate and am working again I can save up and leave. But now I am becoming really worried about our kids.. more days now now than not I need to just leave.. what I am wondering is what services are available to help me financially? I want to try and keep things as amicable as possible, money has always been a tense issue, and I could see him getting very nasty. I know legally I would be entitled to him to financially support us, but he won’t make it easy and I don’t want to make him angrier and for him to hold it against me and ultimately for the kids to be affected. He has been verbally abusive and aggressive, he has never physically “hit” me but has pushed me, slammed doors on me, thrown things at me, held me down by my chest, I am just over 5ft tall he is around 6ft towers over hurling abuse at me, often raising his fist.. this has gone on for our entire 13 year relationship.. it is particularly bad when he is stressed and of course when he drinks. Which is often.. I feel so incredibly selfish having these 3 beautiful kids to him when I knew what he was like.. he has made steps to change over the years but nothing ever really sticks.. I’m so conflicted about what to do. He does it now with the kids to a lesser extent but it breaks my heart.. but I feel like at least while we are here I can protect the kids from him whereas if we are apart and the kids come here I can’t be there to moderate and “fix” the things he says and does..there are so many more things, he is abusive to our dogs, and I worry if I leave that I can’t take them too.. he has recently started taking medication and I truly hoped it would help to moderate his feelings, but he has been drinking way too much to have benefited from them..Thanks for listening xx

[Sophie_M]

Dear Confused mum of three,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you. A good service we recommend is , 1800RESPECT. It is a 24/7 support counselling service that supports individuals who have been impacted by Domestic Violence and abuse. There number is 1800 737 732.

Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 

[geoff]

Hello Confused mum of three, can we offer you a warm welcome to the forums.

What matters is the safety of you and the children, no abuse, physical or emotional can not be tolerated because fear plays an enormous role, but you are not to blame and please ring as Sophie_M has suggested RESPECT, maybe from a girlfriends house where you have the support.

The chances of him changing, and I'm not a doctor to say, but seen this many times before, maybe for a short period, however, the old vices may return and in a more pronounced way.

Any beg for forgiveness, and their promise to change if they are forgiven and they’re no longer worried that you’ll leave only return to how they were.

Can I suggest you copy and paste this in your search bar 'Women and separation Managing new horizons' and page 17 might interest you.

-In case of emergency call 000 for police or ambulance
Domestic violence 24/7 Hotline 1800 656 463
1800RESPECT 1800 737 732
Anglicare Counselling 1300 651 728
Sydney Anglican Professional Standards Unit
Abuse Report Line 1800 774 945

Anglicare can provide you with a furnished house/flat once you have a decision with them.

If you are able we'd love to hear back from you, as there is more to be discussed.

Geoff.

[geoff]

Hello Confused mum of 3, MY reply is waiting on moderation.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Confused_mum_of_3]

Thank you so much for your kind words!! It is nice to have found somewhere I can talk anonymously, without judgement ❤️

[Confused_mum_of_3]

Hi Geoff,

thank you so much for your reply to my post, your words ring too true to me. I have spent our entire relationship waiting for him to change or get better, and am finally starting to accept that no matter how much I want him too he probably won’t... not even for his gorgeous children 😢 I will check out that website now, it actually sounds perfect!! Thank you 🙏🏻

[Guest_1643]

Hi confused - i'm glad your here. Really, I am.
You are here because you want to get out and get safe. I think St Vincent De Paul also assist with this - they can furnish for exapmle a whole space for you with good quality things, helping people set up home. There is the URS the utility relief grant/scheme as well which can assist with bills during crises - I believe there are plcaes that will take you and your kids for the short term - and you are so deserving of all that help - really its just for now to get on your feet - many of us have done this. Some people have a family member they can go to when they need to be safe - but for anyone who doesn't, let the supports be that family member for you - and get as much help as you can.

Sending care to you and your 3 kids , good on u for trying to protect and help them. You guys are important and however he does or doesn't change is his load and challenge right now - your job is to care for you x

[geoff]

Hello Confused mum of 3, when someone you love within the family develops a mental illness then it changes the whole concept in how we think, what we are able to achieve, the behaviour of how we think, or all of these combined, and the ability to adapt to any change or cope with adversity, simply because it does affect the way we now have to function.

As much as we want the dynamics to change and improve their MI, sometimes, however, this might not be possible.

Take care.

Geoff.