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I am unsure of what I need but need a place to let my hurt out.
My world as I knew it came crashing down 3 weeks ago.
An argument about trust and poor judgement turned into me finding out that my husband of 17years (20 yrs together) kissed our 20yr old aupair (he's 40). I didn't see it coming. We where having a rocky patch but wasn't major and nothing we hadn't got through in the past. He says he took the cowards way out. I deserved so much more respect and so did our children.
Our marriage is over and unsalvageable but all these emotions are kicking my arse.
We live in a small country town and no one I know saw this coming but them.
We have 3 children, 14, 10 & 8. I stayed in the family home with them for routine and stability.
How do I get through this.
Hi TIA, welcome
Oh boy, I feel for you so much. But, in all negatives there is positives if you look hard enough, just at this time that isn't easy.
I wont bore you with my separation of my first wife and I in 1996, two children 7 and 4yo girls. I will tell you it came after 11 years of emotional abuse by her, laziness and twisting my mind around. A suicide attempt when at the last moment I thought of my girls and said aloud- "a part time dad is better than no dad at all".
Ironically 20 years later I'd walk my eldest down the aisle at her wedding and ask myself - who would have done that had I succeeded?
So in this period you are in, it is your sole focus to concentrate on you and your children and think logically that a few short months and you will be ok, you will be in a better place.
To assist yourself at the moment my best advice is to keep busy. Following my separation I was totally lost for 8 weeks, sad, grieving for my full time fatherhood etc. Then I saw a block of land and bought it, from then on with 3 jobs and visiting the land to clear it (billy on the fire) I was too busy to think about my ex.
I then built my own home with my own hands.
Bare in mind that I had had two other long term relationships that were almost as hard to recover from but the same deal- distraction, busy, busy, busy. Even the odd date? Enjoy it! Build up friendships.
Another thing you might need to discount is blame. You were not to blame. Blame is counter productive so that same scenario towards your ex might be better to adopt as it is easier in the long run to forgive him for the sake of your children but not forget. Such a situation might one day result in a friendship of some kind. I don't know all the details of your marriage so forgive me if I'm out of whack there but in general it can work.
To give you some idea of that concept- my youngest daughter was brainwashed by her mother- I was demonized. I have the belief now that if she comes knocking on my door (she has a few times over the years) then I'll talk with her but I'll be firm and unflinching to my views. This is for my own benefit not hers. If I was to turn her away I would suffer guilt- I hope you understand.
Beyondblue topic the grief of separation
Anyway. Welcome to BB forum. Repost anytime,
Welcome to the forum.
I saw Tony's very personal and supportive post so I thought I wont repeat any of his helpful advice.
The basics of get enough sleep, healthy diet and exercise can be forgotten when you are feeling upset and grieving the end of your relationship. Also give yourself time to get used to your different life.
I learnt to treat to separate the role of my ex as ex husband and father. This has meant that in their 30s my children have a relationship with their dad, and my ex and I can be civil to each other on rare times we are together like for a special birthday of our children.
Do you have friends in your small town that can offer support.?
Thank you for your responses.
I am being strong for the kids and making sure they see him often and not saying anything derogatory infront of them.
I want them to appreciate me when this is all in the past.
I have a great group of friends that are just as shocked as me. I worry that I lean on them too much at the moment but then I remind myself that they are there to help because they want to be there to help and if I share they help talk through the craziness.
Our marriage wasn’t perfect but it was good. We weren’t fighting or arguing.
I feel he put blinkers on when it came to our Aupair got caught out and is now dealing with the consequences.
We had a financial advice counselling today and at the end he brought up the girl and would I let the kids near her if she came back?!?
Wrong venue to start with and he said he doesn’t know if she will come back. Then why bring it up. I feel like he wants me to be thrown off and get angry. I am not being angry because the kids don’t need it.
I am amazed by his behaviour and the fact he is putting her before the children in his head even though its only a 50/50 possiblity.
sorry About the rant.
Ranting is fine here.
As you are now separated it is inappropriate for him to mention that woman.
As you are finding out (and I did also with my ex) separation divorce etc doesn't sever all issues some of which are ongoing. But you have rights and you might need to exercise them firmly.
Its good to hear that it’s not irrational.
Not sure why he expects me to be ok since its only been 22 days since I found out and kicked him out.
He is playing the victim, as though I did this too him. I will keep on my high horse and hold on for dear life. I will not let him break me completely.
I am struggling with the early days of co-parenting.
I am trying not to be petty but my ex is so infuriating. This was his choice to get a divorce and I am making the best of the situation.
I am hurt and betrayed but he is behaving like this is my fault. He’s telling our 14 yr old to pass on information rather than emailing or messaging me.
I email each week an updated list of plans for the kids. He can put anything in there but doesn’t.
Its been 6 weeks.
surely he had a plan in place if he was soooo very miserable and wanted a divorce
Thanks for the update and I am can see you are struggling with co parenting.
How does the co -parenting work? Do have the children half the time?
Would you like him to show more interest in what the children are doing?
I am not sure if you have been to mediation but I found it useful to work out how to co parent.
You can discuss issues to do with the children in a calm atmosphere with the mediator facilitating.
Just a thought.
I think you are still in shock and grieving for end of your marriage , so it will take time to get used to your new life.
At the moment I have offered every Wednesday and every second weekend. He works long hours so 50/50 is almost impossible.
Would like him to remember that I am sharing information about the kids and would like him to do the same. I have had my intake interview with Relationships Australia and waiting on his.
I am definitely grieving the end of our marriage.
I honestly can’t understand his anger and frustration. And need to blame me for kicking him out of the house. He is claiming our marriage ended because of marital trouble.
He spent four days trying to convince me that our marriage was over for many reasons and then on the last day his “other woman” told me about their affair.
He had no intention of telling me that. Although if he did it would have ended our marriage instantly.
It removes this uncertainty each week