Newly divorced at 60 - tips for moving forward socially after breakup of a long relationship

[Paul64]

60 year old male dealing with the breakdown of a 25 year relationship.

Very new to this whole process and seeking comments from others that have made this sort of life transition. What worked for you and what didn't?

Acknowledging the need to move forward, and seeking some assistance to identify options/directions etc.

[white knight]

Hi Paul, welcome

I'm 67yo and have had 3 long term relationships prior to my now 2nd marriage of 12 years. Those relationships went for 7, 11 and 10 years duration with 2 kids from the 1st 11 year marriage. All of those breakups were traumatic for me especially when I lost my full time fatherhood in 1996 when my girls were 7 and 4yo.

Prior to leaving that narcissistic wife I had attempted on my life so, for 8 weeks after leaving I was totally lost. 40yo, little money, living in a 11ft caravan and walking aimlessly around a new town near work. I spotted a block of land, purchased it and built up equity by erecting a garage etc. I got a loan for a kit home and I was on my way. It was my first lesson to overcoming grief- distraction.

So I would advise you to seek out a form of taking your focus away from this trauma, hobby, sport (barracking), mens shed, interests. Being among men is not likely going to find you comfort or much advice but the activities will redirect your thoughts.

Separation could open up for you some activities that previously when married did shut the door. I'm taking up fishing and gold detecting and my wife is very happy I am whereas the previous ones wouldnt be encouraging. We both caravan a lot now too so those hobbies fit in very well. I have a vintage car as well and a slot car set that I created with a train set together, rail crossings, bells and whistles.

Finally, I've always believed that suddenly becoming single doesnt stop us from making special friendships of all genders. Having a female friend that you can have dinner with, cook for, share care is unique. We met a couple on our camping trip that we assumed were married. At the end of the trip she said "good God no, I'd never marry him, it would spoil the friendship". lol. 

Time is your friend, you will move on and find a level of satisfaction through remaining busy. 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/relationship-split/td-p/359242

TonyWK

[Paul64]

Tony,

Thanks for being so upfront with your reply and agre that distraction is a very big part of the solution. 

Now to find the energy to get involved in something - for me it is a day 2 of the final decision to not reconcile & I am so emotionally and physically exhausted. Your thoughts on a brief period of rest and recovery would be very valid?

[white knight]

Hi Paul,

For me its a drive a couple of hours away, a beach etc and not to turn on your mobile phone, better still leave it at home. The grief period is unavoidable, the good news is after a certain time depending on the individual, it does become easier.

During my grieving period when I left my first wife (narcissistic abuse) I missed my kids so much I was thinking of returning. I told an older man at my then home at the caravan park and he said "never go backwards". I was so glad I didnt. Her 2nd husband was also abused and her 3rd?? dont know what happened there but I can guess.

When younger I was into model aircraft so I attended clubs and go to know a few guys. I didnt take it up again though, but it didnt matter. Same with the mens shed and so forth. Just keep moving, fall in a heap by all means, then a short time later rebound and that ebb and flow will eventually wain and recovery will begin. Try to have faith in that process because after so long it is not avoidable.

Do you have an hobbies or sports you follow?

TonyWK

[Paul64]

Tony,

Again good advice to stay busy...

Unfortunately no interest in sports etc, so take that one off the list of things to do. And my hobbies related to taking care of the family house with the problem arising here that I am not living there anymore....

But enough about the problems and why I can't do things and onwards and upwards - time to figure out what to do, one day at a time...

So have reached out to friends, put them in the picture & organised a few lunch meetups. Started with psych counselling to deal with issues (determined to not just bury them, but acknowledge them), and spent a few hours organising my financial affairs. Now to go for a walk...

Thanks again for both listening & offering advice...

Paul