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Lost1234
Community Member

I'm new here but not new to feeling helpless.

Where do I start??

I have 2 gorgeous children and a husband that I adore. Sounds perfect right. We are financially stable and both work hard but my husband is mentally abusive and an alcoholic. We met 14 years ago and gradually things have progressed to the point where I feel I so helpless. Some days are better than other's but he doesn't go a day without drinking amounts of alcohol that would put most ppl in hospital. As my kids get older I am seriously concerned about the impact it is having on them. Just need to talk I suppose.

15 Replies 15

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Lost1234

I feel for you so very much during this challenging time of torment and decision making. Glad you came here for a chat.

I suppose, at the end of the day, if your husband is not taking responsibility for his drinking and mental abuse you and the kids are taking responsibility for it in certain ways. If the 3 of you are walking on eggshells in order to avoid confrontation, if you're adjusting to living in some state of fear or dread then you are taking responsibility because he won't. In saying this, I say it to you in a gentle way so as to perhaps give you a different perspective.

Being a mum to 2 gorgeous children myself, I regard myself as their advocate in life in big ways and small. To give you an example: Although my husband/their father can be a wonderful guy, he can occasionally say thoughtless things to our teenage kids. If my husband is to say 'You'll clean your room because this is my house and you'll do as I say', I will encourage them all to remember that it is our house/home and we all have a responsibility in looking after it. I speak up for the kids and encourage them to speak up for themselves in respectful ways. I think the feeling of being powerless is what young people find most challenging in life.

Not sure what age your 2 are but is it possible to speak to them and get their take on how they'd like you to advocate for them, regarding the situation you're all in? Is there a way you could empower them in what sounds like a somewhat out of control situation? A dialogue which starts with 'So how are you feeling lately?' may be all it takes to get the ball rolling. They may be happy for the invitation to speak with you and you may actually be surprised with their response, again depending on what age they are. They may say 'We're worried about you mum because you seem so stressed out' or 'It upsets us to see the way Dad talks to you'. Of course, age sensitive discussions would have to be considered when speaking with them (regarding how able they are in processing information). Sometimes our kids can actually end up being our compass when it comes to positive direction. My kids, many times, have proven to be my greatest guides, often offering the fresh perspective of youth.

Take care Lost1234

baet123
Community Member

Hey Lost1234,

Welcome to beyond blue. Thank you for sharing your situation with us and it is great to have you here. It is extremely difficult to express your emotions and share your situation with people and it takes an immense amount of bravery and courage to do so and you should be proud of yourself!

Sorry to hear that your struggling and feeling helpless at the moment, however, this is extremely normal and I along with many others here can relate to much of what you have said. The good thing is though, what your experiencing won't last for ever and things can get better,

I am sorry that your husband is emotionally abusive and has a drinking problem. This is an area he must address otherwise your relationship with him, his relationship with his children and your family relationship as a whole can become jeopardised.

Is there a reason as to why he drinks so much? You mention you are both financially stable and work which is amazing but it is important that your husband addresses the underlying issues/condition behind his drinking. I would encourage him to see a health professional (GP or psychologist) or even convince him to have a go and attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings as this is a great form of group therapy where people with similar experiences with alcohol go and discuss their situation with each other.

You seem like an extremely strong, intelligent, brave, caring and resilient person and these are amazing qualities you possess. You and your husband work hard and support your children which is extremely hard to do and isn't easy. It seems as if your husband would substantially benefit from some form of professional assistance to treat his excessive drinking through addressing the issues behind his drinking. You may also wish to consider seeing your GP and discussing the effects his drinking is having on you, your kids and your family relationship as a whole.

Lastly, it is also extremely important to take care of yourself and look after yourself. Self-care is extremely important. Speaking to your GP and exploring the options available for your husband and yourself would be a good place to start and it is important that your husband realises the detrimental effects his excessive drinking is having on himself, on you, your children and your family as an entity.

Help is out there and things can get better. Hope this helps and all the best.

Nick.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Lost, having a mentally abusive husband is not anyone should ever have to cope with, especially in front of your 2 lovely children, because it creates a difficult atmosphere where it's possible it could be displayed elsewhere.

The same applies to his drinking where they might say that they won't ever be like him, again it may change later on in life, where they too will start drinking.

I'm really sorry to mention this, just answering your question.

If you are stable have you had any thought of separating, or have you had any advice from your doctor?

I hope to hear back from you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Thanks for your insight. My children are 10 and 7 and very different personalities. My son is very sensitive and caring and my daughter is quirky and fun. I have to approach them differently when it comes to chatting about their dad's problem. My son is the eldest and often feels disconnected and hurt by his father (he seems to cop it). My daughter on the other hand is the apple of his eye and being the youngest and maybe not understanding fully, she seems to think it's funny when her dad is drunk and falling all over the place. He is generally a good father but definitely has his moment's. He has severe depression and social anxiety that's linked with the alcoholism. I have always been supportive as he was surely not like this when we first met. I want to help him but feel I have explored all avenues. Eveything ppl suggest I feel I have already done. I'm very concerned about his health (last visit to the doctor showed huge readings on his liver). Scared he just won't wake up one day. Thanks for replying, you obviously have some thing's you are going through also.

Lost1234
Community Member
Thanks for your reply. The reason I'm feeling helpless is being I have been to doctor's who are saying he drinks at dangerous levels and that he really needs hospital stay. His results for his liver are deeply concerning. He has an alcoholic father and grandfather etc so it runs in his family. He has been to AA and seems to be suicidal at stages, especially if I remove myself and the children from the situation. What makes it so hard is that he wants to stop so bad but it has a huge hold on him. Very concerned about his future health and the kids thinking this behaviour is ok. Seems like it's a vicious circle. I care for him so much.

Lost1234
Community Member

Hi Geoff.

In the 14 years we have been together I have left a few times so Yes I have considered this but each time am promised that things will get better. I believe that when he says this he actually means it ( although can't put it into action). He has been to the doctor's several times and on and off antidepressants, he has also been to AA and nothing seems to work. I am very much still in love with him, putting all these thing's aside he has everything going for him. This is why I continue to be here.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Lost, thanks for getting back to us, we appreciate it.

I understand what you have said to all of us, and what I'd like to suggest is, if he wants to stop that's good, especially if his liver function test results weren't good, but as you probably know that the liver can repair itself.

What the doctor can do is prescribe a particular type of medication that will stop any urge for your husband to drink and even if he has a drink while taking them, he won't get any buzz or reaction.

There are a couple to take, but I can't mention the names of them and if he decides to try them he will need some extra help to cope with this.

I can do this, plus there will other people wanting to join in.

Geoff.

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Lost1234

Your posts shed light on the incredible challenges you are experiencing. The tug o war between staying to help the man you love and doing what you feel is best for your self and the kids sounds torturous. As Nick touched on earlier, I'm wondering if you have considered counsel and support for your self. I would imagine there are professionals and support groups out there who are able to help guide spouses through such challenges (offering emotional support under stress, proactive strategies to implement in the way of support and guidance for you to try with your husband etc). Taking this sort of approach may lead you to help your husband take responsibility. It sounds like he really does want to, although when alcohol, depression and anxiety have someone in their clutches it can be more than difficult for them to escape. Taking this approach, where you receive constructive guidance, may also offer you the opportunity to feel more in control of things. The dictionary definition of 'control' - 'effective management'.

By the way, my daughter's 16 and a seriously tough cookie to be deeply admired for her strong personality. My son is 13 and, like your son, is a sensitive soul. With such different personalities, they provide great balance.

Take care Lost1234 and give some consideration to exploring guidance for your self.

PS. I truly wish to deeply thank you. It's amazing how I've grown so used to the negative dynamics within the household, to the point where they have become the norm and are not really given greater consideration. Normal doesn't mean they stop being negative. At the end of your reply to me you mention 'you obviously have some thing's you are going through also'. You're right, I do but never really acknowledged the depth of them until now. Again, I thank you for empowering me to see the path ahead with clearer vision. Today offers a new beginning for all.

baet123
Community Member

Hi Lost,

Thank you for your reply.

A hospital stay would be extremely beneficial to your husband's health and your family as a whole. I would look into the criteria for involuntary admission in your state. If you believe that your husband's drinking is endangering you and your families welfare and well-being, it is worth seeing your GP and discussing a dependency certificate, which allows a person to be involuntarily admitted, may only be issued if the AMP at the treatment centre is satisfied the person meets the criteria.

Unfortunately, if your husband continues to drink his alcoholic fatty liver will continue to get worse and lead to cirrhosis and ultimately liver failure.

It is encouraging that he understands that he needs to stop drinking and that he must realise the impact its having on your family and your relationship with him. I think convincing him that voluntary hospital admission is crucial at this point otherwise present him with an ultimatum. It may not be what you want to hear because I can tell you love him and care for him so much but providing him with an ultimatum so he hopefully realises the damage he is causing and that he isn't setting a good example for your children may be the way to go.

Nick.