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New to this but not to problems...
All my life I've not been good with recognising or communicating my emotions. I'm married with a child and my wife and I have had a lot of issues with me not sharing my feelings which has impacted our sex life and intimacy negatively to the point it's non existent. We saw a marriage counsellor a few years ago and things improved fo a while but now they're back to where they were before - if not worse.
We had a big fight about it the other night, the house is extremely tense between us now. I've asked to go back to the counsellor but my wife didn't think she was very good so I asked her to find someone and make an appointment for us. That's happening Monday (not sure when the appointment will be).
What can I do now, today, to both get myself mentally prepared? It's like my mind goes completely blank when the anxiety gets this high, I can't even think to speak. Like I fully shut down.
What can I do today, to start to open up communications with my wife too? She is shutting down as well so we're like to silo's existing in the same space.
We're both pretty good at putting on brave faces for our child though. I think there's not too much awareness there that things are that bad between mum and dad.
Any help would be awesome.
Is it just possible that in your case, worry is your Achilles heal?
You are both wound up like a clock and worry only produces ulcers. In fact it could be that worry is now the new demon instead of communication issues and the cycle of friction in the home continues.
Preparing for a therapist/counseling meeting is imo not the way to go- in fact far better to go unprepared because you both will express the issues naturally.
Believe it or not the live between you both is there in the shadows, so having faith and low expectations is better.
By writing in here you have done far more than my ex in laws ever did in terms of their poor communication skills. So pat on the back.
"Make hay while the sun shines and write it down"
That is pretty much it in a nutshell. While you may struggle at times when things become real or right before events occur, write things down when you are not in that state and are able to think more clearly. That way you can read back over it or even just share it when you are in the moment and words escape you.
Something else that may help is talking to yourself. If you struggle with finding the words to say to someone else, then try pretending that you are asking yourself the same question and see what your answer is. This kind of dialog (considered a form of "meta-cognition") can often make it easier to express to other people as it allows you to first work out what you are really feeling, but also allows you to hear the words be said without interference from outside influences (ie nobody there to judge you, nobody to disappoint, no embarrassment when its just yourself, etc).
Hope that helps
Thanks but I think it is deeper than worry. Right now I feel stupid for letting a wall slowly rise around me, shutting out all emotional connection and after this recent argument I feel like the tower I’ve built is filling with water and I might just drown.
I do worry about having this/these conversations or arguments. I hate personal conflict (even though I’m ok with conflicts in the office I work in), I really feel closed off at the moment.
tha is for your kind words. I genuinely do want a solution that will sustain our relationship.
Thanks for this, I’ve done both these things a little today and it has helped me to order my thoughts a. It on how I’m feeling.
Now I need to work through the anxiety of telling mrs how I’m feeling. I hate personal conflict and just close off so hopefully it doesn’t come to that.