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new to estranged...

cjmc
Community Member

Hi, Im new to being outed and I've just joined BB to look for help and support from others.

My daughter had her first baby 4 months ago and it's my second visit. She was uncomfortable around me when I arrived which was confusing, then I received the message days later that broke me. A verbal attack and she is going no contact with me. She is 34 and I am 59.

I am grateful that my son is good with me but this rocks a family. I have already almost freed myself from a narcissist mother who damaged this family and now I feel like I'm in the middle of total unrest. I will go back to qld earlier with the feeling that I won't be back to Vic for a long time, hence not seeing my first granddaughter.

Sometimes I wish there was a rule book for life. thanks

5 Replies 5

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Cjmc

I want to welcome you this forum and thank you for making your first post.

I have often said a rule book for life would be good especially one for adult children as we get lots of information when our children our young but nothing when they are grown up which can be tricky.

Did your daughter say why she wants no contact or do you have any idea?

Was there an earlier issue you felt had been dealt with or is this something new since she became a mum.

You know how the first year of being a mum can be emotional and demanding , I wonder if this has affected her .

Are you allowed to text or phone her or has she stopped

My heart breaks for you as I am a similar age with a grand daughter and would find it is so difficult.
You are not alone and there is support her for you.

Feel to post here when you want to, I am listening.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Cjmc, thanks for your comment and sorry that's in unsuitable conditions.

Whether or not your 'narcissist mother' has had any say in this, only you will know, however, what your daughter has said to you needs to be determined whether what's she has said needs to be corrected if it's not true.

You have a new grandchild you want to be involved with as well as with your daughter, so please don't stop trying to be in contact with her and perhaps try some mediation work between the two of you and know that this may not be easy to handle, so please get back to us so we can help you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

cjmc
Community Member

Hi quirkywords, my daughter indicated that she is going no contact to protect her new family...I have been dealing with a narcissistic mother for 20 years and sadly the kids have suffered too. I fear I may have been acting different as a result of eliminating my N mother from our lives. My children(32 and 34) decided a year ago to not communicate with my mother. I decided 4 months ago.

I am receiving no support from them and I now have topics I am not allowed to talk about. I feel like Im the child and they are the parents!!!

My daughter changed the minute the baby was born, I was there for many sleepless nights at her request while her partner just went to bed and got a full night sleep.

It sounds a bit complicated, but I head back home next week to get on with my life and hope that in time I get a call or message.

thanks, cjmc

cjmc
Community Member

Hi Geoff,

My Mother has had no contact at all, but I have been dealing with that situation with the help of Beyond Blue, now I am in the middle of a new one!! Im going to give my daughter heaps of space with no contact in the hope that she can sort out. My children are giving me no support at all these days. I guess its my mistake thinking that they are there for me. We used to be close, I wish I had a rule book for parenting older kids??

thanks

cjmc

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Cjmc, I also wish there was a rule book and there may be, but at times it's not adhered to or people like to break what rules are stipulated.

Sometimes it's possible we abide by them but may slightly deviant which may or may not be acceptable by those concerned, but surely some allowance needs to be made to suit your own circumstances, this isn't achievable by some.

The question is whether black is black and who decides, surely there must be different variations to how someone considers coming to this conclusion, everybody's decision is not the same.

The trouble is we only hope people are there to support us, especially our family and perhaps a close friend, but we can never expect them to behave the way we had expected them to, only because their own lives need to be considered and whether or not they may be suffering from a situation they wished they didn't have to go through, and the problem is they don't want to tell us.

For example, take yourself back to your younger days, did we tell our parents everything that may be we should have told them but didn't, well with me, no I didn't, nor did I tell them how my wife or kids were thinking at that particular time, but I am truly sorry and feel the pain you are going through, hopefully, your daughter will change her mind.

All the best.

Geoff.