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New relationship. Boyfriend decided to stop medication and pushing me away.

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly 5 months. I knew that he had previously struggled with major depressive disorder and anxiety, and he opened up to me about this in our first few weeks of dating. Early on he was vulnerable, affectionate, would send me flowers, and tell me he missed me when he was away for work. We have been in contact every day since we first started dating, even if it was just a message to say hello – he has commented on that fact that he likes thay I don’t ‘blow up his phone’.

We got boozy with some friends one night in the first few months of dating (he also took illicit drugs) and when we went to bed he started saying that he was ruining me, and accused me of lying to him about liking him - I reassured him that wasn’t the case. As the months progressed, his communication went hot and cold – on his good days he would talk about future plans, adventures and I would feel loved, and then on his cold days he lacked any interest in my life and would show no affection. He has mentioned a couple of times about forgetting to take his medication for 2-3 days, and I am wondering if this coincides with his cold behaviour.

Recently he has applied for a job that would require relocation, and he asked me how I felt about that, which I was supportive of. We have also briefly talked about moving in together, but that was over a month ago and he hasn’t bought up anything since. About two weeks ago he told me he has decided to wean himself off his medication, without going to see his GP. Since then he has been so distant, somewhat distracted, extremely lethragic, and has had little interest in sex – that last bit is so out of character as he normally has a high sex drive. He said it isn't me.

My anxious self immediately thinks he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, and I am trying to understand whether him pushing me away is a result of his mental health, coming off his medication, or if he generally just doesn’t want to be with me anymore – I notice he can still maintain normal relationships with others. I am extremely patient, I give him space and wait for him to reach out to me, which he does – but I also make sure from time to time to let him know I care about him. I asked him today how he was feeling, and he got defensive and just said he was fine and if he isn't feeling great he will tell me.


1 Reply 1

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hey CoolBananas

Welcome to the forums, although I'm sorry to read what brought you here. It sounds like this is a pretty topsy turvy time for you!

It does sound like your BF is flip flopping.
There could be a number of reasons why, the ones you pointed out and the illicit drug taking could be an added reason.
That's hard.

I'm concerned he's "weaning himself off his medication" without supervision / support from his GP at least. I'm sure you are too.
That's a hard one too.

It's pretty obvious that you care about him very deeply and probably feel that you love him too.

Something a Psychologist said to me a LONG time ago, when I was noticing "mixed messages" from my BF at the time was..... to think about HOW I FELT in the 3-6 months BEFORE I met him...
You know I was going pretty well in all other sectors of my life!
I felt really good!

In fact I was happy!

Then meeting BF the confusion set in. He would propose and I would say "Let's wait and see" etc.. he'd get very angry at that but I had my reasons!
This lasted 4 years.

I broke up with him and am SO GLAD I DID!
I found out so much more later on and it was NOT good.

CoolBananas I think what happens when we're in a relationship with someone who is "unstable" then it can REALLY destabilise US.
Like REALLY throw us off kilter. The more empathy we have, the worse off track we become.

We can twist ourselves in KNOTS trying to save / improve the relationship but to no avail, because it's not US. It's them sadly.

My suggestion for you, besides the reflection part, is to Google "Radical Self-care", then practice LOTS of it!

The rub is this; whether you stay together OR break up, RADICAL self-care will stand you in good stead.

You're going to need ALL the goodness put into you either way.