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New person I am dating is pushing me away due to severe depression

elc91
Community Member

Hi, I hope this is the okay to post here, other posts on the topic are about established relationships but I’m just at hurt and confused.

I started seeing somebody I met online a couple of months ago and since then he has had a couple of “I can’t do this” episodes that have been very hurtful. The last one I didn’t get to see him for 3 weeks but we spoke everyday still, giving him that 3 weeks was extremely hard for me. I get bad anxiety myself and need reassurance that I do not even remotely get so stepping back for 3 weeks was rough but I did it for him, come to the morning that we were meant to finally see eachother he cancels on me and blames his mental health again. This time I totally lost it and kept pushing and pushing because my own anxiety was in complete overdrive.

He asked for some time to process what was happening. He said multiple times that he is severely struggling and he can’t care about or focus on anybody else. He still maintains his hobbies though and sees his other friends, it’s just me.

So I gave him a couple of days and reached out asking how he was feeling. He told me he hadn’t even thought about it.

I’m not sure what I’m even here for, this is so trivial compared to everybody else’s problems but I’m just not sure what to do here and am hoping to gain some perspective from outside sources.

He has told me that all he can feel his overwhelming sadness and that he is lost. I’ve given him the opportunity to just tell me he’s not interested in me or doesn’t like me and he says that’s not true he just can’t handle life. But if you do like someone how can you maintain all of your other hobbies but not want to see them for over 3 weeks? How can you like someone and know something is causing them a lot of hurt and be able to say it hasn’t even crossed your mind?

I’m sorry if this isn’t very cohesive I just need to know where to go from here? Is this normal for somebody going through trauma and depression or is it an excuse?

He does have a lot of trauma from previous relationships, like, a lot. But I’m not his exes and I’m not his past.

our first date he unloaded a lot of that trauma onto me and I was happy to listen but could tell he was very damaged to even be bringing it all up so soon.

He was in therapy but his therapist moved so he said he has been struggling to deal with that as well. He starts seeing a new therapist today.

Do I just let him push me away? Is it what he really wants?

16 Replies 16

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi elc91,

It sounds like he has made up his mind. It’s a shame when people end things even before they really have a chance to start. But better it happen now than you get even further in and he does this. I’m sorry things worked out this way for you, and I’m sorry that he didn’t even at least give it a proper go. You deserved more than that.

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Elc, and many good replies have been made, one thing is that when you meet a new person, you tend to forget what you were suffering from and enjoy a connection and then slowly open up to each other.

From what you have just said, I would cancel the meeting and be in control, if he can't see you for whatever reason but still manage to do his hobbies and meet other friends, you are only just hoping.

If he really liked you there would be no excuse, find someone who wants to be with you, then you can discuss both your problems when the situation arises, it's about sharing together.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

elc91
Community Member
Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses. Just wanted to post an update. He cancelled again, I knew it would happen. Admittedly I blew up at him about it because it was just to unfair to be strung along again only to be canceled on at the very last minute. We had a massive argument about how he was making me feel, he again said that he had recently had trauma resurface and was really struggling and needed to do it alone because he didn’t know when/if he would be ready for me. We ended up agreeing on a “reset and refresh” and going no contact for a couple of weeks to reassess in the new year. I can’t help but think he said this to shut me up and not because he actually wanted to. I told him if there was nothing there now there wouldn’t be in the future and he chose the reset and reassess option…I hope he didn’t just say that to keep me quiet for a couple of weeks, I’d rather just be told he’s not interested so that I can move on. I guess time will tell. Thank you all.

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Elc, I'm sorry this has happened to you, especially at the last moment, and perhaps the same may happen in two weeks time and wanting to be with a person like this, could be a problem for decision making in the future.

Take care.

Geoff.

elc91
Community Member
Thanks Geoff. I wish I wasn’t so gullible because yes he probably has no intention of trying again and it would be better for him to have the decency so just say no and cut ties permanently rather than give me another couple of weeks of hope and then continue to use excuses of mental health. We’ll see what happens I suppose!

Guest_1643
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi elc91

I feel sometimes we interpret ppls behaviour as a commitment, we think for example, he may still like me hence he has not ended it.,..,perhaps we can think the other way. U deserve a person who respects you and Ur time and will tell u where they stand.

I personally have ptsd and struggle to leave the house, but I tell my friends I care about them and reply to messages. Everyone's different, but would u consider making the decision urself? One day at a time...deciding that u might prefer to be with someone who makes u feel sure and stable in the relationship, and in that way, making urself an en Ur wellbeing number one.

Hey there,

I think your intuition is serving you really well in this situation.. Your gut told you he would cancel because of his mental health, resurfaced trauma and him not being ready to see you, and when it happened again some things clicked for you.

I'm super proud of you for being assertive about how you're feeling. In this instance an argument I feel like is more than necessary.. If he truly had empathy for how you were feeling, instead of using his trauma to excuse his behaviour, he would be up front about the trauma affecting his ability to be committed, and be genuinely sorry and would stop stringing you along.

I hope during the break, you'll be able to see things a bit more clearly, focus on yourself and move on from at least expecting messages, etc. You have the right to move on in your own terms and your own time.. It doesn't have to be in his hands.. Truly, he doesn't deserve someone with the empathy you have when it isn't reciprocated.

In general.. How have you been feeling dealing with all of this? I imagine it's been a whole lot of up and down and anticipating in this situation.. Have you been able to look after yourself during all of this?

I hope to hear from you ❤️