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New friend does not want to hear about my childhood.

Guest_9043
Community Member
I recently made a new friend. We have only known each other for a week so I don't particularly feel very close to her. I have been very supportive and helpful when it has come to her leaving recent Domestic Violence. Currently my world has been thrown upside down again because of my abusive childhood. She says she does not want to know about what I went through in my childhood because it will break her heart. I am too tired to even try understand and I am also in an extremely vulnerable place right now.

I told her today that this is part of my life, it does not define all of me but it is part of me. I told her out of respect for her and that she does not wish to hear about it then I cannot talk some days cause I am just not dealing with things well and finding it hard to cope. She said she respects that and will leave me alone on those days.

I think I need to consider things a bit here before they go any further. As a result of my abuse as a child I have always struggled with interpersonal relationships. I am learning to now choose my friends wisely and that I do deserve to have good friends because I know I am a good friend and give my 100%. I feel like in the future there is going to be an imbalance here where yet again I will be the one giving everything and getting maybe 50% or less back.

I supported her recently nearly everyday with what she is dealing with even though I have so much on my plate right now. I have not known her for long enough at all to have a deep and meaningful with her about what I need. It has been one week and I just refuse.

I think I should pull back and let go some more. Not be so readily available. Not because I do not want to be or to play any games at all. I just know what I am facing and dealing with right now and I really do need to be a priority and I do need to come first.

I mean to me I am seeing some "red flags". I am dealing with so much at the moment and dealing with the childhood abuse is so very hard. I do not want to fall into a not so good friendship and have that to deal with on top of everything else.

Thoughts appreaciated. Kindness needed.
6 Replies 6

Katyonthehamsterwheel
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hey there πŸ™‚ Yes, your friendship is definitely in it's early stages and it's hard to navigate when we're still figuring each other out. I think it's lovely that you've provided support for your new friend, but I agree that if you have some heavy stuff going on and that support isn't being reciprocated, then creating a little space seems entirely reasonable. Perhaps some space will reveal whether this person is worthy of your friendship on an ongoing basis?

Sending some love out into the world in your direction. Healing hugs, Katy

Hi, welcome

Giving 100% to a friendship is a good thing, it is when we expect it to be returned in equivalent amounts we get ourselves in trouble.

We are all different. Some people can’t listen to trauma as it is like a trigger for their emotions. Some don’t like getting emotional. Some take a couple of days to open up or discuss traumatic events,other years or never.

Please read the first post of this thread

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/the-weighing-scale-effect-on-friendships#qgCDq3HzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

Tony

Hi Katy,

Thank you for your response. Hmmm, I am going to just give it a few days till I can see past everything that is currently on my plate. At the moment I need some me time for a change. I like my me time and I truly do need it right now so I can get through what I am going through. I do not know if I am doing some sort of transference thing here in regards to my childhood. I wasn't listened to or ignored because my mother couldn't handle anything that was emotionally charged being discussed. I am unsure right now. Confused even, because I am not sure whether to trust what I am feeling about this situation, my choices and decisions. I don't know, I feel a bit lost. Anyway, I think the best bet is just to have some time out and see how I feel after some of my stuff clears a bit and I am not so beyond exhausted. I cannot put her needs above my own. She has so much family and she has other friends. I don't have anyone. I'll just wait and see how things pan out.

Thank you for the love and the hugs, much appreciated. Boomeranging it right back to you.

Lee.

Sure white knight, however I ain't silly by any stretch of the imagination. When they want you around for support you are there but they refuse to acknowledge what you are going through and ask you not to talk about it well yeah I'm going to get real annoyed. I would use a stronger description but respect the rules here.

Nevermind that her stuff is extremely traumatic and I'm there all the time. No, I'm not doing this to me anymore. I deserve better.

Cheers for your input.

Hi 2quik,

Thanks for your post and sharing what's been going on with you and your friend. I can see that Tony and Katy has already offered you some great support already.

While I was reading your post, part of me was wondering if this is kind of an issue that you're struggling with now, or if maybe this is something that you are trying to prepare yourself for. Part of your post comes off to me as if you are trying to be protective of yourself - the thought of, what if she's not there for me? or what if I'm struggling and I need a friend and she won't be it? or even, what if I'm investing this time and energy into a friendship that won't ever give back? None of these questions are bad ones of course, but it seems to be forcing you into a situation where you have to make a decision now.

Is this something that resonates with you? Hard to tell on the internet but hopefully I'm on the right track πŸ™‚

RT

Hi RT,

Thank you for your input here. Yes, I do feel some of it was my stuff. I am survivor of childhood abuse by both parents and yes in many ways was scared and trying to protect myself from getting into something potentially toxic. It's not my fault what my parents chose to do, it obviously did damage and I'm trying to learn so many new things.

I spoke to her last night about what I've posted here. It was the best thing that I did. She has changed immediately and is now there supporting me more and listening. She showed up for me last night and she also told me why she is struggling a bit. However she said I am here with you and you do deserve to be heard and listened to. She acknowledged how supportive I am and have been to her.

So, we ironed out stuff and now things are so much better.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.