new baby - wife hates me. anyone else experience this?
we had our second child 5 months ago.
our first child was hard work and I never really wanted the second as much as her. that said I love them all.
since about 2 months into the pregnancy..my wife seems to hate everything I do and say, this was the same with the first baby.
nothing I ever do is good enough, or "right". every single detail gets criticised or complained about. I feel like I cannot do anything right. she is permanently angry and our intimacy and connection has gone. she blames me for it all. she is good with the kids, but is permanently annoyed and withdrawn. she shows no other symptoms of post natal depression, other than irritability and rage at me.
I have tried really really hard to do everything I can to correct the tiny behaviours.. its really trivial. (I didntput the pegs on the line the right way)
is this normal? I remember hazily, that this happened the first time around too. but got better after a year.
we have seen a councillor for 4 sessions, but he seems to recommend "vanilla" suggestions that dont seem to restore any warmth or loving action to us.
she seems to resent me, almost hate me... and everything I do, say or try gets her angry. and its getting me down.
welcome to beyond blue.
before I get serious, I have 2 teens, and I can still put pegs onto the line the wrong way. But there are also aspects of my life that might intersect with yours that I do not want to make public....
Can you also tell me what you mean by ""vanilla" suggestions"? I am not doubting you, but seeking clarification. I also know from the time I have been seeing a psychologist that the only person we can change is our self.
can I ask who else your wife might socialise with during the week? Or, is most of her time spent looking after the kids? And if a baby needs feeding at night time who does that duty? I can remember the first year being hard. Mind you, each year brings different challenges. Back then, I "did" the night shift because my wife was tired. (There was also a medical thing as well we would later find out.) Now me, having depression, also know that being tired in itself can make me/one irritable.
I could make guesses as you why your wife might be irritable, but that would the wrong for both and your wife.
Of course there are ways forward from this... you could see a counsellor by yourself? Or you could talk to your wife to get to the bottom of why her anger might be projected or directed at you? From that, can you work out a way forward?
I hope it works out for you both, and look forward to hearing from you soon.
A warm welcome to you wallabyjack
My heart goes out to you during this intensely challenging time, for I recall the challenges I put my husband through during my years in depression, especially the added challenges that came with babies. Our babies are 13 and 16 years old now. It wasn't until after I had my 2nd child that I came out of my 15 years of depression, thanks to a fantastic health centre sister who steered me in the right direction - post natal depression group therapy.
I know the following sounds irrational yet it's important to keep in mind that this was my perception whilst in depression:
I was failing to understand what it meant to be 'a good mum', failing to breast feed, failing to cope with change, failing to live up to the expectations of those around me. I was even failing to fully love my little ones the way a mother's meant to, deeply. In my depressed mind, I was failing at everything. Incredible sleep deprivation further twisted my perception. The one person I looked to, to 'save me' wasn't saving me. I looked to my husband to 'make everything right'. I wanted him to fix everything. I resented him. Yes, I know, it was an unfair expectation yet it was the expectation of a desperate deeply troubled woman. If he couldn't save me, the least he could do was hang the towels 'properly' (bit of a peg like thing) and try not to rub his own happiness in my face. How dare he think life should be this easy. Deep down, the truth is...I envied him.
wallabyjack, I was an absolute control freak during my years in depression. I understand it now; if I couldn't control my internal environment (the thoughts and chemistry that come with depression), I could at least do everything possible to control my external environment, including the people in it. Those who didn't conform to what were a lot of irrational expectations I treated like saboteurs (the enemy, in a way). By the way, life outside depression is a whole different story. I am a pretty laid back sort of gal and not a lot gets to me these days, not even the towels 🙂
I wonder if your wife's looking for you to save her in some way. Is there a health centre sister type figure in your life you could personally speak to, in the way of guidance for your wife? Such a person could make their own observations regarding the help she may need, next time she sees them.
I believe you are doing your best. When someone's dealing with incredible upset in their perception, they will even find fault with a saint.
I've been to see a counsellor on my own which is how we have ended up at couples counselling (referral)
She's said something along the lines of 'my tolerance levels are extremely low and I won't accept you being untidy or not listening'
She has not committed to change anything on her side. It feels very one sided.
My counsellor has suggested I go on a course of antidepressants. I wonder if this would help? It does feel the source of my misery is the daily anger I face... Which she says all stems from my behaviour.
I really don't know what to do
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