new baby - wife hates me. anyone else experience this?

wallabyjack · ‎21-06-2019

hello all

we had our second child 5 months ago.

our first child was hard work and I never really wanted the second as much as her. that said I love them all.

since about 2 months into the pregnancy..my wife seems to hate everything I do and say, this was the same with the first baby.

nothing I ever do is good enough, or "right". every single detail gets criticised or complained about. I feel like I cannot do anything right. she is permanently angry and our intimacy and connection has gone. she blames me for it all. she is good with the kids, but is permanently annoyed and withdrawn. she shows no other symptoms of post natal depression, other than irritability and rage at me.

I have tried really really hard to do everything I can to correct the tiny behaviours.. its really trivial. (I didntput the pegs on the line the right way)

is this normal? I remember hazily, that this happened the first time around too. but got better after a year.

we have seen a councillor for 4 sessions, but he seems to recommend "vanilla" suggestions that dont seem to restore any warmth or loving action to us.

she seems to resent me, almost hate me... and everything I do, say or try gets her angry. and its getting me down.

anyone else?

cheers

WJ

smallwolf · ‎21-06-2019

Hi wallabyjack,

welcome to beyond blue.

before I get serious, I have 2 teens, and I can still put pegs onto the line the wrong way. But there are also aspects of my life that might intersect with yours that I do not want to make public....

Can you also tell me what you mean by ""vanilla" suggestions"? I am not doubting you, but seeking clarification. I also know from the time I have been seeing a psychologist that the only person we can change is our self.

can I ask who else your wife might socialise with during the week? Or, is most of her time spent looking after the kids? And if a baby needs feeding at night time who does that duty? I can remember the first year being hard. Mind you, each year brings different challenges. Back then, I "did" the night shift because my wife was tired. (There was also a medical thing as well we would later find out.) Now me, having depression, also know that being tired in itself can make me/one irritable.

I could make guesses as you why your wife might be irritable, but that would the wrong for both and your wife.

Of course there are ways forward from this... you could see a counsellor by yourself? Or you could talk to your wife to get to the bottom of why her anger might be projected or directed at you? From that, can you work out a way forward?

I hope it works out for you both, and look forward to hearing from you soon.

Tim

therising · ‎21-06-2019

A warm welcome to you wallabyjack

My heart goes out to you during this intensely challenging time, for I recall the challenges I put my husband through during my years in depression, especially the added challenges that came with babies. Our babies are 13 and 16 years old now. It wasn't until after I had my 2nd child that I came out of my 15 years of depression, thanks to a fantastic health centre sister who steered me in the right direction - post natal depression group therapy.

I know the following sounds irrational yet it's important to keep in mind that this was my perception whilst in depression:

I was failing to understand what it meant to be 'a good mum', failing to breast feed, failing to cope with change, failing to live up to the expectations of those around me. I was even failing to fully love my little ones the way a mother's meant to, deeply. In my depressed mind, I was failing at everything. Incredible sleep deprivation further twisted my perception. The one person I looked to, to 'save me' wasn't saving me. I looked to my husband to 'make everything right'. I wanted him to fix everything. I resented him. Yes, I know, it was an unfair expectation yet it was the expectation of a desperate deeply troubled woman. If he couldn't save me, the least he could do was hang the towels 'properly' (bit of a peg like thing) and try not to rub his own happiness in my face. How dare he think life should be this easy. Deep down, the truth is...I envied him.

wallabyjack, I was an absolute control freak during my years in depression. I understand it now; if I couldn't control my internal environment (the thoughts and chemistry that come with depression), I could at least do everything possible to control my external environment, including the people in it. Those who didn't conform to what were a lot of irrational expectations I treated like saboteurs (the enemy, in a way). By the way, life outside depression is a whole different story. I am a pretty laid back sort of gal and not a lot gets to me these days, not even the towels 🙂

I wonder if your wife's looking for you to save her in some way. Is there a health centre sister type figure in your life you could personally speak to, in the way of guidance for your wife? Such a person could make their own observations regarding the help she may need, next time she sees them.

I believe you are doing your best. When someone's dealing with incredible upset in their perception, they will even find fault with a saint.

Evie82 · ‎21-06-2019

Hi i couldn't read and not reply. The previous posts have given you some great advice. Unfortunately I have been in your wife's shoes... I have 4 children and battled my way thru the first 2 with untreated PND. I even did the questionnaire things and always scored ok- because I wasn't sad and I had no issues bonding and caring for my babies. BUT I was sooo angry and frustrated. I would fly off into a rage over the most ridiculous things and my husband drove me crazy. Nobody ever talks about anger, irritability and rage when you talk about PND. I was convinced I was just a bad person and when I finally opened up to my Dr and got help including antidepressants my whole world changed. I could finally see thru the fog. Please try and reach out to your wife- I suggest writing her a letter and don't use blame to get thru. Use love and be honest about your feelings and concerns about her. It might be an uncomfortable situation but my guess is that she is living with terrible guilt about her behaviour as I was... I hope you can be patient and work thru this together. I was initially so scared to try meds and admit I needed them but it was so worth it! All the best Xx

wallabyjack · ‎22-06-2019

Thanks for the reply.

I've been to see a counsellor on my own which is how we have ended up at couples counselling (referral)

She's said something along the lines of 'my tolerance levels are extremely low and I won't accept you being untidy or not listening'

She has not committed to change anything on her side. It feels very one sided.

My counsellor has suggested I go on a course of antidepressants. I wonder if this would help? It does feel the source of my misery is the daily anger I face... Which she says all stems from my behaviour.

I really don't know what to do

Evie82 · ‎22-06-2019

I really feel for you.... There is always 2 sides to every story but remember a marriage should be a team effort. You shouldn't feel like you are losing yourself trying to keep your wife happy. It almost sounds like your wife is mothering you too. You deserve to be treated as an equal with respect also. Being governed by your partner will only cause resentment. I hope you can keep up the therapy as I still suspect your wife has PND. It's very frustrating to feel unheard and maybe the counsellor's suggestion may help. Have you given writing a letter to your wife any thought?

dbrad · ‎26-09-2021

I am in the same situation, my son is only 9 months old and my wife is going through PPD/A and she is awful towards me, she is not nice at all, I stepped back from working to many days to a 3.5 day week to be more actively engaged in raising him but that was not really good enough, I get pages and pages of texts saying how difficult it is when I'm not at home etc, I try so hard to help but she is a controlling parent and everything has to be done her way, she even refers him as my baby not ours, it's getting very hard to cope, my feelings are never valid, I can't be tired as I'm not as tired as her etc, she breastfeeds him co bed shares so I'm on the couch every night, I litteraly do not want any more children after this, I feel for you, I'm wondering how you went as it's 2019 when you posted this, any advice on how to better understand the situation would be great

quirkywords · ‎26-09-2021

Welcome dbrad to the forum and thanks for sharing .

As you notice this is an old thread that no one has posted for over 2 years. You may like to start your own thread as this way people will be able to see your post. This is an important topic.

dbrad · ‎27-09-2021

OK how do I do that please

quirkywords · ‎27-09-2021

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