New and so unhappy

[Sancar]

Hi,

I'm not sure about being on this site, maybe I should keep trying to deal with things myself. But I just need somebody to talk to. I have been suffering from depression for as long as I can remember. I had a difficult childhood, molested by a relative for years, parents who hated each other and always felt second best. Over the last couple of years I have lost a friend, my mother, my sister in law, my husband of 41 years and my constant companion, my dog. To top that off my eldest son moved to Canada, I have one son here but he is very busy and although he tries to keep in touch it's not easy for him. I had been going to lunch with a group of women once a fortnight for about 20 years. There were four of us and it was a good day out, I think it helped me keep the loneliness away. All was well with this group until a fifth person joined. Although I have know this woman for many years, we have never been close. Since she joined I have noticed that I am being cut out. Conversations seem to be between two people and I'm the one sitting there with nobody to talk to. I don't know if I did the right thing but I told the group that I would take a break from our lunches as I was feeling like a fifth wheel. It's been six months since I made the break and I would like to go back but not every time. So I sent a message to one of the ladies but she didn't reply. After a couple of weeks I sent a message to another one of the girls but again no reply. Should I keep trying or give up?

[blondguy]

Hello Sancar and Welcome to the forums

You have great strength to reach out and post..and good you! Firstly my sincere condolences on the tragic passing of your mum your husband sister in law and your friend, and your dog!. Oh my... The depression and anxiety are difficult enough to live with let alone the losses you have had. I cant even begin to fathom......

I would gently keep trying to have the occasional meet up. You really have more to gain than to lose by doing so. I know you have texted a couple of the girls and they havent responded which is a pain...I wonder what would happen if you called them? Also did you and your girlfriends meet up in the same place?

I think If I couldnt get a an answer to a phone call I might look elsewhere for friends but you mentioned that you would like to have lunch but not as frequently. I would persevere and just see if you get that 'cold shoulder' again just to make sure.

Your son also moved to Canada....that would be painful. Maybe Skype video calling on a PC or a laptop might be better than nothing.

There are many kind people like yourself here on the forums Sancar that can also be here for you. I have had anxiety and depression since the 1980's and also many super friendly women too if you need to have chat who are also doing it tough with various situations like yours.

I hope some of this has been a help

You are more than welcome to post back as many times as you like Sancar...you have had a dreadful few years.....we can be here for you 🙂

you are not alone sancar

Kind Thoughts for you

Paulx

[Sancar]

It's been a very tough few years, I also was the carer for both my mother and husband, they were very difficult to cope with for the last seven years. My son in Canada does Skype me at times, it becomes difficult to get a time when he's available. Since moving to Canada with his wife they have had a daughter. I have never met my grandchild and I don't know if or when I ever will. I was hoping that they would come home for Christmas but they now have permanent residency and have bought a house which they are renovating. So I can't see them being able to renovate and afford to come home for a holiday.

I have been trying to get out and meet new people but that backfired on me, I purchased a puppy for company. Most of my family were against it because the didn't think I could look after it. The only two people who backed me were my doctor and my vet. Buying the pappy had given me something to live for he's great.The dog breeder had a get together of the new owners and their puppies, I thought this might be a new group of friends for me. All went well for most of the day until one of the women sat next to me and gave me a lecture about how I need to lose weight and if she looked like me she would not leave the house. I cried for days and have hardly left the house since.I know I should ignore people like that but when you suffer from depression it's not an easy thing to do.

As for the lunch outings with the group I used to go out with I will try to contact one of the girls and see what happens.

[Starwolf]

Hello Sancar and a warm welcome to you.

I'm sorry that Life has been treating you rashly. Grieving losses is a necessary but painful process. Feeling socially isolated makes it all more difficult.

I agree with Paul, reaching out via these forums was a wise, brave decision. People in the outside world are often insensitive. Few are aware of what depression really is. There is a tendency to think of it as a flaw of personality instead of as the illness it really is. Because of ignorance, people end up saying/doing unhelpful things. These forums are a safe place to vent your feelings, unload the overload without fear of judgment.

You definitely don't have to go it alone. You have had a traumatic past and depression has taken hold. But with the right help and support, it is manageable. Things can get better. Have you talked to a GP ? Are you undergoing treatment at the moment ? I'm asking those questions to gain a better understanding of where you're at and how we can help. No pressure to answer them if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Having those you regarded as friends distance themselves is disappointing. Perhaps time has come to break away and find a more supportive social circle. Any hobby/activity group you'd be inclined to join in your area ?

Meanwhile, navigating the forums will reassure you that you are not alone. Here at BB, you will not be judged or misunderstood. Although we're all different people, we are all on the same boat.

Great to have you on board.

[Sancar]

I've only told you the very short version of what has been happening over the last few years, I don't want to bore anybody with all of it. I've been off line for a few days as I'm so down I can hardly make myself do anything. I'm so alone, if it wasn't for the puppy I don't know what I would do. I feel invisible, I posted to a group I joined on facebook and didn't get a single reply, the post was there for three days before I deleted it. My youngest son did make the effort to ring me to see how I am but I can't tell him how down I am as he hates people not being positive.

[Sancar]

Starwolf asked if I was seeing my GP, yes I am and she's good to talk to. I am on medication I think it helps but I don't know how much. I was seeing a councilor but she spent a lt of the time talking about how she dealt with other patients and I didn't think she was listening to me. She was trying to fit me into a box.

[White_Rose]

Dear Sancar

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. It is a big step for many people to write here but the benefits are great. All sorts of people write in and talk about their stories. If you look at the Community Board, last one on the list of forums, you will see lots of thread that are there for fun. You can talk to people at the e-cafe and eat whatever you like. There is a jokes thread, a couple of follow-the-leader types and access to selected Youtube videos.

If you explore the other forums you will find people doing amazing things and getting healthy in the process.

Your life sounds lonely and I can understand how painful it is to be on your own. The antidote to depression is to spend time with others so here are some suggestions. After I retired I think I did more than when I was working. I also live alone.

I also struggle with being a bit overweight and I find it difficult to lose. I am fortunate that my friends don't comment about it. I am losing weight slowly, which I'm told is the best. I attend an exercise class once a week with four other ladies. The classes are kept small so that everyone has individual attention. A lot of talking and laughing goes on there as well as working on our exercises. So why not contact your local exercise organisation and see what they have to offer? I suggest you go to one where the classes are conducted by Exercise Physiologists or Physiotherapists. I am looking to go twice a week now that other problems in my life are responding to treatment.

Do you drive? One of my activities is to drive to a boardwalk nearby (too far to walk) and walk the trail. It gives me the opportunity to see the plant life and at the end , the sea. It takes about 20 minutes and is all flat walking. Perhaps you could get to a flat walking area and start walking? I find I meet all sorts of people and have a brief chat with most of them.

Do you attend a church, or would you like to do so? Many people find exploring their spiritual roots comforting. And churches also have social activities.

Can I suggest you talk with your GP about counselling and explain that you were not satisfied with the previous person. The session is all about you, not what the counsellor does with other people. I once went to a psych who constantly fell asleep while I was talking. Not a good look.

Perhaps you can write in again and tell us about the sorts of things you enjoy doing.

Mary

[Sancar]

Un fortunately walking is not an option for me as I need both knees replaced. I injured the left knee at 13 ice skating and it was left untreated, over the years it was discovered that I broke of pats of the knee cap and the fragments got under it and wore away the cartlidge, because of the pain in the left knee I put extra strain on the right one. On top of that gaining weight did not help so now both knees need replacement. I had a reconstruction on the left knee in2000 but that was not a success. SO I have to do activities which do not involve standing or walking. it makes it hard to exercise. I ty to take puppy to dog parks where they are fenced off and I have a chance of catching him. But it's a bit hit and miss as to weather he comes when I want to go or not. Maybe as j\he gets older it will improve. I thought that getting together with the other puppy owners would be good for me a\but as I said in my second post hat didn't work out. I love sing my computer and exploring the internet but that just keeps me isolated. I don't know what I can do.

[Starwolf]

Hi Sancar,

Being physically limited as to what we can do makes socializing more difficult. But not all hobbies or interests involve physical exercise. It would be a matter of finding out what is available in your area and what could tempt you to get out and about without putting strain on your knees. Anything to do in water would allow you to exercise while supporting body weight and being easy on joints. Photography, art classes, discussion groups, music...

Is puppy training available in your area ? Vet clinics are a good place to check as many of them do have training classes. Being a pro trainer, I can assure you that impeccable recall is essential. If not seen to, it will not fix itself with maturity but only become established behaviour. It will seriously limit interaction with your dog outside the home.

I agree with Mary that counselors and therapists are service providers. You deserve their full attention. Nothing wrong with walking out on those who don't care and searching for one we can connect and work with. There again, it is all about finding out who could help locally. Most small towns have Community or Neighbourhood Resource Centres that could facilitate the search. They also organize outings or day trips. Perhaps a good place to start.

[Mares73]

Dear Sancar

firstly I want to say that woman who sat next to you & made despicable comments is obviously a rude, interfering horrible person who should look at her own shortcomings rather than put down a stranger. It must of really hurt but you are a far better person than her.

Loneliness is soul destroying. I've cared for my husband who has leukaemia for over 4 yrs plus I'm raising two kids. Yes they are around me physically but have no idea how deeply I'm lonely. There's a saying along the lines of "you can be in a crowd of people socialising & feel lonelier than ever. or you can have perhaps 1-2 close friends who are worth millions. You've had some great advice above & I hope so much that you find some interests, play with your puppy, read a good book, come here & have a read, exercise within your limits & so on. Once you are stronger emotionally you may consider volunteering in an area that interests you. Even for a day per week-it opens opportunities to meet others, it's entirely up to you how much you contribute & it may well give you a confidence boost.

im sorry if you'd heard all this before. I was just so disgusted at how a stranger could crush your self esteem.

On here you'll find genuine friendships & care & support.

Lve Mares