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Needing help for daughter

Community Member

My husband and i seperated late last year after 20 years of marriage. Neither of us were happy and we had put the children through enough the last few years with arguing. He left and is renting with my older daughter and her boyfriend. I am staying in the family home with my younger daughter until its sold. I didnt plan to but have met and fallen in love with an amazing man. My youngest daughter is an incredible girl of 19 but family was the most important thing in her life so this has devasted her. She is trying but says she cant accept all that is happening. She has always suffered anxiety and is in meds for that. . Her dad has let her down and they are not close although they are building a relationship now. She is seeing a counsellor fortnightly and i went to a few sessions where we agreed to me seeing my partner twice a week..he doesnt come to my house and she has only met him once and suffered a panic attack. My daughter and i have always been close and we spent and spend time together. She has tried to organise things to keep her busy on my 2 visits weekly.She works full time but doesnt have many friends. I am really worried about her mental state. She has threatened suicide many times, has physically attacked me and when i visit my partner she threatens to come and burn his house down etc. I slept over at my partners last week for the first time and she was up in the middle of the night vomiting with panic attacks. I was calling my partner once at night when she had gone to her room but she says i cant do that as it causes her to have a panic attack. She is booked into a physchiast at the end of the month to get her medications reviewed. I feel she needs more treatment than what she is having . I think she has depression..she cries a lot. If my partner wasnt the one i want to spend the rest of my life with , i would end the relationship. She feels its too soon but i didnt plan to meet him and fall in love. I am so worried about her and her anger is getting worse. I am scared of her at times., i thought Cognitive Behavior Therapy might help. I am desperate as its been like this for 6 months. My partner is very sympathetic but feels he is the reason for her mental illness and if he removes himself from the picture, she will get better. I love them both and dont want to lose either. Anxiety has stopped my daughter doing so much in her life....university, travel etc.

Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated

2 Replies 2

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Ipaint~

Thank you for coming here, you have a whole load of grief in your life and it must seem confusing with no clear way out. I would imagine you feel torn in two and incredibly worried about your daughter..

On the surface it might look there is a simple solution, sacrifice your new relationship and be with your daughter. In fact you seem -from what you say -to be heading in that direction, not using the phone and limiting yourself to 2 visits per week.

I'm not able to detail my own personal experiences as it involves others, however I have been in your partner's situation exactly.

The whole thing is having an affect on all of you . You new partner is blaming himself, your daughter condition is in a heightened state, and you sound very stressed and worried.

I'm not sure that cutting yourself off from your partner would be either wise of even effective (even discounting the effect on him). You daughter's condition sounds as if it started before your separation and that separation has adversely affected her. I would imagine she would like you there just looking after her.

Doing just that could calm things down for a little while - at great expense - however I suspect a new cause for crisis will arise, and so it would go on. You would then be in a worse position than you are now, unsupported plus would have grief at the separation from your partner and possible resentment against your daughter (it would be only human)

Continuing your relationship can give you the love and support you need, and will really put you in a better long-term position to cope with your daughter. It is quite possible it may in fact be a long term thing, with your daughter needing support for a fair while.

Your description of your daughter's symptoms and behavior do indicate she needs professional help. Assisting her to get it, and telling her she is loved, is probably the most productive thing you can do for her.

A lot too depends on your partner. His willingness to be in a relationship where there is such a big problem. If he does wish to continue understanding the down-side it's a pretty fair indication of his feelings for you.

I do think you should have a chat to your GP and ensure you remain mentally and physically healthy in this very stressful time. You might also find others in similar situations here in this Forum. Calling our 24/4 Help line for a chat is another possibility too.

Please come back and talk some more


Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Ipaints. Sorry to hear your daughter is going through a tough time. My parents divorsed when I was young and even though my parents had been divorsed for a few years I struggled to accept my dads new partner (to be fair she was a horrible person, but I struggled more with the fact my parents weren't getting back together. Move forward to now dad is with another amazing lady who I like so it worked out). It does take some time to get used to. My parents had to sit me down and have the moving on talk with me. My dad reasurred me that I was still his daugther and his love for me would never changed, but he needed an adult relationship with love and compassion. He told me everyone deserves someone to love and cherish. Have you had a talk like this with your daughter? Let her know that she deserves to meet someone that would make her happy to and that you want that for her, and then ask if she feels the same about you? It may help put it in perspective. Yes it is hard when it happens really quickly but it can't be helped. Everyone deserves love and happiness. I'm sure with time she will accept this. Maybe your partner should try build a relationship with her. Even if it is just having coffee with him and yourself. Sit next to her to show some distance and so she doesn't feel akward by the personal displays of affection

Hope this helps. I'm sure with time and reassurance it will become easier. I also suggest you consider seeing a counselor about this. They maybe able to give you more guidance of how to approach it in a more effective way.