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Need to be free
I have finally left my emotionally abusive relationship after many failed attempts. Unfortunately my ex husband can still not accept it is over. He is still under the impression we are getting back together and I am simply taking a break. He was angry I told my friends I had moved out and responded by messaging them and saying it was only temporary. I really really need to start moving forward but he wants to still work on things. I am done.He is all very nice and amicable if I agree to behave how he believes I should, but once I start to cross his lines or do not do what he asks he turns nasty again.
Any suggestions on making him realize it’s truly over?
I have 4 kids with him so no contact is not really an option.
I'd like to welcome you here and am sorry your life has had such a hard turn. It takes a great deal of courage and an ability to see things as they realy are to be able to break out of an abusive relationship. I do hope you have friends, and maybe other family, to give you the support you need and help when the opportunities arise.
I guess some people cannot accept things. You ex could not accept you as an independent equal person with your own rights and preferences, and now cannot accept you have moved on. Disbelief and an attempt at controlling behavior are still unfortunately there.
With such a person I doubt very much if talking to him, or even setting it down on paper, is going to have the desired effect. I should expect reality might only sink in when he sees your life has changed and you have new interests, activities, and maybe people in it. If your friends understand too that things are over it will change how they react to him too, which may also give him pause.
If the messaging you mentioned is on FaceBook or similar you might be better talking to your friends in person rather than having series of messages going around saying the relationship is on/off. They too can always ignore or lock out his contact if they wish.
From my own limited experience I've found that sometime controlling behavior goes on far too long afterwards and such things as unwelcome visits, schooling and other arrangements are interfered with. Sadly in those cases the only recourse is via the legal system - let's hope this does not happen here.
I guess I've no real advice, if it was me I'd deal with him the minimum possible bearing in mind the kids, and try to focus on other areas in your life - all of which you are no doubt doing already.
Do you mind if I ask how your kids are handling things?
I hope you can come here and keep talking with others who have had similar experiences
Hi Denny, can I please welcome you to the site.
You tried to leave him several times, but gone back to him, this time you are determined it's over, you can't live in a relationship where decisions only go one way.
Each day your 4 kids you will become stronger and certainly happier and they will know that the house is safe and there will be no arguments between the two of you.
I would talk to your friends and not join in with any comments made on public media because that would only seem to believe that you are thinking of going back.
Can I ask whether he can see the kids at your house only or will he be allowed to take them away for the
thanks for your response- The kids are more than welcome to go out with him and to his house (which is our family home). My eldest daughters who are 18 &16 will only go if I go. He is also bombarding them with messages on social media of how lonely he is, how everyone has left him, how he didn’t choose any of this. My daughters are very good at ignoring this however my sensitive sons feel a bit overwhelmed by it. i am very mindful not to run him down in front of them but explain that none of this is their fault or his happiness their responsibility.
However all in all, they are coping very well and I can start to see them all flourish in their new environment already.
thanks for your reply, sometimes an understanding ear is all that is needed.
My kids have been awesome, especially my eldest daughter. She is a constant support and reassurance -they have made me so proud and confirm that I have made correct decision.
i have very open and trusting relationships with all my kids and they feel comfortable off loading to me. It has only been a few weeks and they are already referring to my new place as home.