Need some feedback

[Asenna]

Hi there everyone,not written for somewhile but I hope you can help with my story.Its been 3 years since my ex wife and I separated soon to be divorced.The first 2 were mostly living in limbo as my ex was always uncertain and towards the end of 2016 she wanted to hang out to see how she felt and I was fine with that. Two months later she decided that she just wanted to be friends. I was gutted. I think I supressed it and let my anger and ego push me along. In 2014 I apparently got ptsd from a incorrect diagnosis of liver cancer towards the end of 2012. When I was going through ptsd I became very reliant on her. Mainly emotionally. I really became needy and clingy. I was frightened of my anxiety and feelings. By 2015 it was still there and my anxiety had lessened substantially but my depression lingered. It could of been many factors why it hung around. I was on medication but it wasn’t really doing much. In February whilst on a family holiday she told me she wanted to separate. I was frightened. I couldn’t lose her. I was desperate to have her back. I needed her. I loved her. I tried and I cried and I hung on. I just didn’t want to lose her at all. It was hard to function to be honest. I had some normal moments when I felt good but would come crashing down when she rejected my proposals. I’d text her a lot and tell her how I felt. The 2nd year was a bit better but we weren’t still together. I took up meditation and I felt a bit better. Yet I was always saying that I loved her and I’ll comeback when I felt better. I was still very sad because I missed her and the memories were killing me. I went overseas and had a good trip but still felt I missed her. I sent her messages of hope. Like please don’t give up on me. Don’t close the book on us. Which brings me up to the end of 2016 as I wrote above. At the beginning of this year I found her on a dating website and my heart broke. She had moved on. I begged her not to go but she said it’s too late. last week I’d had enough. I decided to become proactive about it. I’ve taken up meditation again, swimming and journaling. Yet I tell her about it like I need her approval. I need her acceptance and validation. I still cry and I feel quite lonely. I’m 45 and my little ones don’t like to see me cry. They said they get sad when they see me sad. Why am I still trying to hold on. Why!!! It’s destroying my life and I don’t know how to let go. I get anxious when I try to say goodbye and cut off ties. What’s wrong with me.

[white knight]

Hi Asenna, welcome

We often become reliant emotionally as if our partners are an extension of our limbs. This reliance is common but devastating when separation occurs.

For me it was in all four instances of long term relationships, a case of moving on by finding love again. I didn't think I would, but on each occasion I'd found someone more compatible than the last due to my experience of what I didn't like.

Now my second wife is a gem. We are telepathically matched, think alike, same work pace on everything we do....we are connected.

You wife had moved on a long time ago. I suspect she didn't want to hurt any further a person that was desperate to hang onto her. She might have felt humbled by your approaches of love but it isn't what she wanted. Unfortunately all too often that rejection is seen by their ex partner as a fault, insufficient, inadequate as a person, a lover and everything else. However its more like one person, her, just wanting something else in a relationship or a different lifestyle etc than what she had. It is not necessarily a reflection on you. Another lady might be totally different and therein lies a new future.

To obtain such confidence again is difficult. this thread is an account of how I achieved it. Google

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

If we humans could predict how life could be once we have moved on we would cope better. The pain of losing a partner is deep and traumatic and wouldn't be helping with your ptsd. For your childrens sake and your own steps should be taken to sort of force yourself to see what life is out their in terms of sharing company at least.

Topic: meditation-words of wisdom- it helped me for 25 years- beyondblue

Repost if you please.

tony WK

[Asenna]

Thanks Tony for your reply.

reading it really hurt but I know it came from honesty. I understand. For me I don’t like how I am. I clearly have codependency issues with an anxious/avoidant attachment. I’m broken hearted because I feel I failed her and myself. Unfortunately I’ve made her my world after we broke up, because I needed her. The want became a need. My life hasn’t moved forward in 3 years and I’ve made 2018 the year it changes. I can either continue the rest of my life trying to get her back and hurting from it or deal with my inner child issues that gets activated when something scary and life changing occurs. I fall to pieces. I see myself. The relationship wasn’t about her and I, I made it about myself. Doing what was best for me in order to be in control in some way. So reading your response touched a nerve and it was hard to read. I loved her. I really did. My heart is breaking as I write this because she is gone. I miss her. Yet I’m conflicted about that. Do I miss the fact she was there for me. That sense of reassurance in life. I’ve not worked that out yet. It hurts nonetheless.

[Doolhof]

Hi Asenna,

Sorry to read about the situation you find yourself in. Having someone we love walk out of our lives can be very difficult. We go through all kinds of emotions and feelings of grief.

I'm wondering if you have had any counselling at all over the years?

You mentioned having children, can you play a greater part in their lives to help you move on in some way?

It is great you realise you need to move on and make changes. I find it beneficial to write down plans and goals and then break those things down to achievable chunks.

One thing my psychologist suggested a while ago was to write forgiveness letters to myself and to people whom I felt had hurt me in some way. The idea is to write down all the pain and then write how forgiving myself and that person feels. You don't necessarily send the letter to the other people though!

Some of my letters could have sparked world war 3! As we are human with hearts that can be broken, our minds can really screw us up at times.

Unfortunately this lady is no longer in your life, I'm really sorry for that. Hopefully you can find a way to move on, to make life worthwhile and meaningful once more.

Sometimes we need to learn how to like and love ourselves all over again.

Wishing you some peace. Cheers from Dools