Need Advice... to leave or to stay?

[Ellecat-_-]

I’m in the process of breaking up with my partner whom I’ve been with for 6 years. I have decided to leave because he does not want children and I do. Among other reasons.. but that is the most important as I’m nearly 30 and feel like my time is running out (I know it’s not) ... I have a weird feeling in my gut, I’m not sure if it’s telling me to stay or go. I just feel horrible and drained and don’t have anybody to talk too or that is in this position.

My stomach feels in knots and I just feel over all down. What is my gut telling me?

Am I just doing the wrong thing ...?

[krystelpykie]

Ellecat, It is very hard when you and your partner's blueprints are different. I am in the same position for different reasons - we are at odds about our future and our lifestyle choices. He has informed me that he would like to go his way while i go mine after our house sells. This upsets me as i am very happy with my partner and accept that we dont see eye to eye on some issues.

In my case i guess it's easier as the decision seems to have been made for me and i cannot make him stay with me so i have not much choice but to accept it...but its hurtful that the one person i thought was on the same page as me in this world is leaving me and i'm left alone and friendless.

Maybe in your case some time to ponder your gut feeling would be beneficial?

Has he voiced his thoughts on whether you should stay together or not?

[BenD]

Hi Ellecat,

I just read what you wrote to someone else on this forum about being the star of their own story. Then I saw this post and your beautiful words compelled me to try offer what limited help I can.

I'm sorry to hear about your predicament, that feeling is so, so awful. It feels crushing and nauseating. If you have anything that will make you feel a little bit better, like exercise, watching a movie or going to a comedy show, I would recommend doing it (even if you force yourself to). It will take you mind and body away for a few hours.

One thing I learned about relationships is that you've gotta be true to yourself, no matter how much it initially hurts. It's like ripping off a band-aid, absolutely so bad at first (especially if you have hairy man knees like me) but eventually it heals better.

Also, part of that is being honest about your relationship with your partner. Do you like the idea of being in a relationship and what that entails (i.e. potentially having kids)? Or do you like the actual person whom you are in a relationship with enough to forgo that desire?

My counsellor once said relationships are like two people attached by a rope over a river. Pull too hard one way or another and you will both drag each other in. Maintain equal tension and you can continue on forward together.

Ben

[geoff]

Hello Ellcat, there are a few issues to consider:

-do you love him

-feel as though the two of you are compatible long term

-in the process of buying a house or paying off a mortgage

-considered why he doesn't want children, maybe he had a difficult upbringing as a child which has made his decision

-come from a broken home

I also wonder whether you had thought about visiting a relationship counsellor, however, what the 'other reasons' are you have mentioned are also important and significant and if you feel comfortable then you may want to tell us.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Paul76]

Hi Ellecat, this is my first day and first post here. I can give you the perspective from a mans point of view. I was in that exact situation with my girlfriend in my late 20's, I wasn't ready for children at that point amd eventually it ended the relationship. I ended up having a daughter with my new partner some five years later and my girlfriend finally had her first child at age 38, 10 years after we broke up. I think you could perhaps ask him if you haven't already does he never want children, ever, or just not at this point in his life. I can certainly understand your feelings, at the same time I would ask, is that the only reason you want to be with him? What would you do if he said yes let's have kids but then found out he was sterile? Probably doesnt help you much but just thought I'd give you a different perspective. At the end of the day you have to be true to yourself and only compromise if you can do that freely from the heart.