Nasty to me and its getting worse

[Scott72]

I thought I would write about me to see responses as I feel I would get better value this way.
I have never been sick, thankfully and I have worked hard for decades, since I was 14 actually. I am a returned veteran and I have crafted a beautiful life. I have is all basically, nice house, white picket fence life, two young great kids and married to an intelligent very attractive (internally and ext) lady.
What’s wrong is she is not the person I married 17 years ago. Has been ups and downs over the years, however over the past 6-8 months I have felt differently, almost like I felt she was withdrawing from me.
Last night she said something which is what I suspected, she said she is depressed.
She has had issues at work recently but at home things have really altered.
Nasty and there is a communication breakdown. I hear are negative comments most of the time and it seems impossible to get anything right.

If I dare attempt to defend myself it ends up in me being cornered, verbally abused or storming off and locking herself in the bedroom. If I try to walk away from any dressing downs which I try to do as a time out approach as it is not constructively going anywhere, it can be days before I hear her voice again.
She says she is alone, a failure and has a fog in her mind.
I can stand by her, she is not alone and I understand truthfully some of what she is going through.
The problem for me is the rage and anger – it is horrible, mean, she belittles me and says some really terrible things. I don’t know what I am doing wrong - I haven’t done anything wrong.

Last night my oldest daughter saw this and she was truly frightened. The rage in my wife’s eyes over nothing was way out there. – pure raw rage. She is concerned for her and what’s to help her, but she’s 9.

Intimacy is always an issue and it is rare these days if at all. I need to initiate it if it was to happen and this has generally been the case throughout our marriage. Strangest thing though is for many months now I actually don’t really want to.

I am a nice man, grounded, great father, loyal husband and a good provider. I am 45 and have a long time to go_ I thought this is what most women would like and I was raised this way.
I am not interested in divorce as I love my wife very much, but how do you live with someone who is depressed and just plain nasty to you most of the time ???
Is this fair for young girls to grow up around ?

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome to our caring community Scott;

Firstly; "Thankyou for your service"

It's a breath of fresh air to read of someone who's grounded and loving their life. I admire your stoic support for your wife who seems to be creating a difficult environment at home.

Supporting a loved one who's suffering the effects of depression, especially anger, can be a thankless job; I really feel for you. I'm wondering has she been to her GP or if you've spoken to yours. It's the first place to start when mental health concerns become apparent.

What is also of concern, is if your wife's demeanour has raised its head in the past at all. If not, her GP can investigate if there are physical reason's for her character changes. Peri menopause could be behind the anger. Hormones (and brain chemicals in general) are notorious for changing women of a certain age into screaming banshees.

If this is the case and I hope it is, her Dr can advise the best way forward. If she has depression due to an event or past hurt coming up, (triggered) then your GP can also help with medication and a referral to a psychologist.

How can you help? By being extremely patient and empathetic. If you read up on this stage of a woman's life and learn how others have coped, it may help you personally. If it were me in your place, (I say this tentatively) I might write her a letter and stick it in a card to be left on her pillow or some place she'll find it.

Express how helpless you feel seeing her like this and what it's doing to you. Explain how you've been stepping on eggshells to try and make her feel better, but seem to have failed which hurts you. Add lots of love talk and happy memories you've shared. Most of all though, tell her you're in it for the long haul and will try to be as patient and supportive as possible.

Give her an opportunity (time) to absorb what you've written by leaving the house for a while and return 'not expecting a miracle' ok. Her response ideally would be to cry. It might ease her frustration and give you a chance to hug her.

I hope I've helped Scott. I applaud your decision to seek help here on BB forum. It takes courage to reach out.

Please let us know how things go. Please take care and be kind to yourself too.

Kind thoughts;

Sez