Narcissistic parents bringing me to depression.

[GilmoreGirl14]

Hi, this is my first post. But nervous and scared about this and not sure where to start. I’m 28, I have a 16 month old son and When I found out I was pregnant my sons father wanted nothing to do with me (together for 3 years) so moved back in with my parents, but my parents are treating me like I’m dumb when it comes to my parenting and looking after my son. My mum looks after him when I go to work 3 and a half days a week, I don’t get any financial support off my ex. So I have to work to support my son. No matter what I do I can never impress them or keep them happy. They speak down to me and about me, I’ve met an amazing man 8 months ago and he loves me and my son so much. But my step dad told me that he and my mum are praying that our relationship breaks down as my boyfriend is ‘moody’ and ‘grumpy’ among other stuff. The problem with him being moody and grumpy etc is the way the call me a ‘disgrace’ because I forgot to buy my sons formula one day. Telling me they always do everything for him, when they don’t, 99% of the times I do it. They do occasionally help. Down to cleaning his bottles, I took the sides off his cot as he doesn’t sleep well with the side on and that was a week long argument calling me  stupid and i shouldn’t give him a choice. But they go against everything I say as a parent even down to his dinner I make him. Gosh even his name I didn’t pick. I honestly don’t really like his name as I had one picked out from the moment I found out I was pregnant. But anyway. I feel belittled and degraded as a human being and a mother. My partner will say something nice about me and mum just laughs and looks at him like he’s crazy. He’s had a vasectomy 2 years ago (2 kids already) and my step dad has had it out for him telling me that if I stay with him I’ll never have anymore kids and he doesn’t want ‘that type of man’ around his grandson. There’s a 6 year age gap so it’s not that big. He has a good job and works hard, has had 3 nights out in 8 months, doesn’t do drugs and I am the same, don’t have much a life outside of work or baby. There’s so much more stuff they’ve done and said and it gives me worse anxiety than I should. I don’t know what to do my parents think I’m a shitty parent and hate my partner who I love. I have much more stuff to say but can’t get it out, I’m trying but it is ‘blocked’. I need to vent and I really need advice. Im being told all the time they speak to me the way they do is because I don’t do it their way.

[GoodWitch]

Hi GilmoreGirl14,

You sound really stressed and fed up. and it sounds like your parents are very unhappy people who are taking that out on you, and they are controlling too, borderline abusive. you are obviously a grown woman, a mother yourself, so they don't have the right to decide who you date. If your bf is good to you and makes you happy, that's all that should matter to parents who have your best interests at heart. From what you say it doesn't sound like they do.

As for your parenting, if your baby is fed, clothed, healthy and happy that is what matters. Forgetting to buy formula could happen to anyone - the things I forgot when my kids were little! So many things! You're a mother of a young child it's exhausting and mentally draining. Cut yourself a break even if they don't. They have no right to criticise your parenting, unless you are endangering the child (which you aren't).

As for your bf I think it's actually very responsible of him to have a vasectomy if he already has children and knows he doesn't want more. He sounds like he's got his head on straight. and why would your parents want you to have more children anyway, if they think you're so bad at parenting? It doesn't make logical sense, which makes me think their goal is not to help you at all but to make you feel bad about yourself and to keep you down. Parents should want their children to rise up, not fall. so if they are not helping you do that, they are preventing you from thriving.

If your parents make you feel bad about yourself, you don't have to continue contact. We owe our parents a certain amount of respect of course, by we don't owe them blind obedience or our self-esteem. Once you're an adult you can choose how your relationship continues.

That might be hard for you obviously as you are living with them and I assume financially this helps. Have you looked into how much help you would get from Centrelink in parenting payments if you struck out on your own? If you're a low income earner, childcare is subsidised, so that should help too. You might even be able to work more hours. It might be difficult but would it be any worse than what you're going through now?

Just wanted to let you know your post was seen and I feel for you. From what you've described it sounds like you need to start taking steps to leave your parents' house... or have a big talk with them about how they need to change the way they treat you.

All the best

GW

[Only_the_lonely]

Hello GilmoreGirl14,

I am sorry to hear about your situation. As you experienced, its not always healthy to stay under a roof with any person or people who keep putting you down due to your current situation in life, but you always have a choice. Those oldies are not fair in giving you this cold treatment and I think you should find out alternative housing so you can get away from their everyday ' negative words and mannerisms' No doubt they know they are being rude to you and it just not healthy to stay there and endure that treatment as it will only impact on your health and wellbeing. Please contact social housing or contact charitable organisations like Salvation Army or Anglicare, Smith Family etc so they can help you out temporary until you secure a place for yourself. Its bad to treat anyone unfairly and with these parents, they feel they have the upper hand by giving you a roof over your head does not give them the right to make you feel worthless! You have your whole life and your kids in front of you so please reconsider your options, even contact some of your friends, work mates, just to get out of your current housing situation. I hope you manage to get some assistance through friends, workmates or charitable organisations mentioned above. Don't stay there as it will take a toll on your health and your self esteem. This could be the reason why families always leave older generation alone as they can be testing your patience and they forget that you make time to see them and attend to them. Parents should be supportive, not discouraging to their younger generation and in return the younger generation enjoy keeping in contact. I hope you build up the courage and the determination to do this for you and your child. I hope you manage to do that in the coming weeks.

RL