- Beyond Blue Forums
- Caring for myself and others
- Relationship and family issues
- Narcissistic Never-Endings
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Mark Topic as New
- Mark Topic as Read
- Pin this Topic for Current User
- Printer Friendly Page
V17 Post away, it seems you have some pondering to do.
I know it is early in your break-up, but if you can at all, try and avoid feeling sorry for him, that would be ideal. Not that anyone on here expects that you behave, live ideally 24/7. Be-gone that humanity!
Narcissists can indeed find their perfect partner that they will live happily ever after with. And do not assume that it is always someone like us, with a similar personal history of abuse that occurred prior to meeting them, and has a shaky sense of self. They can destroy anything.
The narcissist lays the ground work for their future battles in the first 2 years of marriage/relationship. This is when intimacy is at an all time high, their partner is in love and malleable, and cannot see clearly. Love is a drug right. If you have a prior history of abuse all of our familiar self loathing/questioning is triggered. It fits like a glove, they do not need to do much handy work.
If on the other hand you were lucky, and your folks were pretty damn awesome, and your early childhood development received all the positive feedback our nervous systems needs to flourish, this is the crucial time of moulding for the other semi-healthy partner. They are appalled by the tragedy that has befallen their beloved narcissist because it is so far from anything that they have ever experienced. Bingo! First snare. We all love tragedy.
If you're like me, the dealings with a selfish, self-absorbed narcissist will be so harrowingly similar to your childhood that you will wise up or burn out in time and bolt.
But their perfect partner is someone that loves to dual, is a bit of a perfectionist but competes anyway, is proud, hates failure and defeat, has a tendency towards impulsiveness and addiction themselves, but is happy to accept the abuse because the thrill of the chase, and chasing high's is just too exciting. They will start to dual together over years, the fights are the passion, dual with 3rd parties just to get back at one another (sincere affairs don't exist, it's just the two Gladiator's in the Colosseum) because Tit-For-Tat is the latest thung Sista.
Get on board, burnt out, or sit in the stands and watch the show!
I really thought I was going crazy with this man. I kept telling myself if I loved then why did I feel so unsafe? Why did I give in; why did think he was evil; why was I suspicious? I had to leave to go and see my folks one day and I had a feeling he was going to hurt my bird whilst I gone - I hatched a swan from an egg and simply adore her - so I said to him to leave her in her night cage and I'll deal with her when I got back. When I returned she wasn't in her cage and I found her out on the front lawn. He had left the gate open. I just knew he did it on purpose but I didn't understand why he would hurt her because he tells me he loves me, so I thought of all the things what could have happened and I just burst into tears.
Now I see why he acted like he did; I slept with the egg in my sports bra for two days and when she hatched on the first night, I had her with me the entire night. He chose to sleep on the lounge - I get it now; he was jealous of the attention I gave to her and not him. Crazy.
He lacks any empathy and tried to make my hurts all about him. Everything was about him. He was jealous of my son and tried to put a wedge in between us - so much so my son had a break down. Even then I should have acted and left him, but I didn't. I've apologised to my son for that now and our relationship - since I left the ex -has done a complete 360. It's this that encourages me to keep going; to keep moving forward even when I felt I wanted the ex to call.
I spoke with my GP today, I call her wonder woman as she is psych, doctor - everything rolled into one; she explained the reasoning behind me wanting him to call. When I asked him to leave he wasn't the dramatic man I thought he would become, instead he was so calm even saying it was okay for me to do that. Almost like he gave me permission to. My GP said that a narcissist doesn't act like we expect other people to act in situations like this. Yep. However, she did say to not be surprised when he would try and work his way back in. Okay. So I'm trying not to pre-empt his behaviour but he will be coming back to pick up the rest of his stuff. This concerns me because I have such deep resentment towards the man I am scared he will say something that will act as a trigger to me to lash out at him. I don't want to do that. So, I will make myself scarce I think.
Strangely, writing this down is helping. Even if in the early stages, I think I will be okay.
Thank you for 'listening' to me, I appreciate it.
It is just one of those things that 'until ya' experience it, you wouldn't believe it!' I suppose that's what domestic violence is with a narcissist.
I don't know how much you know about me, but my Mum has schizophrenia. My siblings and I always say, "I wonder what Mum's symptoms/life would have been like had she of met a caring and loving person?
Here's the revolting, disgusting extent of my own fathers narcissism and why I find this personality stay utterly revolting, deplorable and do not want anything to do with them;
my rapist was my father's best friend. With an impressionable, needy narcissist that showed off, that meant I was perfect prey. He attempted to molest my sister when she was 16. Do you know what my father said to me.
He said; "Its a terrible thing that _*(_ did, but what you have to understand is that he was my best mate".
My own father.
THEY ARE SICK
It's all about them
Dear Cornstarch. Hi I'm so sorry your father's so-called best mate abused you with your dad's permission. Most narcs believe they have the right to treat their family however because they are the parent/spouse. My dad was narc/alcoholic, he was so good at name-calling/abusing/belittling etc. My earliest memories are trying to escape him by hiding when I knew he was coming home. As a direct result of his abuse I suffer PTSD. My mum was in total denial as to his alcoholism and we were told, 'he is your dad, therefore you will behave'. While mum was not schizophrenic, she did have severe depression due to her fathers' alcoholism and his regrets there were no sons. Mum had 3 sisters, therefore she and one sister did a lot of hard manual labour, one sister was disabled, one left home real early. They were farmers, I'm talking about the 1920's. My parents were not affectionate at all, my mother was denied affection because my dad suffered a form of PTSD due to his being in the 2nd war. I have no dislike for my parents even though they were not good to my male sibling or me. I have learnt as a result of them to be a better, loving, caring person. My male sibling also abused me whenever he could. Mum knew but protected him as he was her favorite, dad was unaware of this abuse. It has taken years and much counseling to overcome the damage done by these toxic people. My ex and his parents also ill-treated me. Through a close male friend, I have been able to mentally walk away from this abuse and become someone I can be proud of. The PTSD I suffer is 'small potatoes' in contrast to the severity of the abuse. I can't sleep in an enclosed room, I need a nightlight, I often cry seemingly for nothing. If someone raises their voice or gesticulates, I instinctly cover my face with my hands to protect myself from attack. I am learning to protect myself and I'm also learning that it is okay to distance myself from dangerous situations. I am also a recovering alcoholic, I have been 'dry' for several months. As I stated earlier, much of my recovery is due to this person who stood by me. Everyone needs someone who can understand and empathize without judgement. These forums never judge and offer support, guidance and encouragement.
Oh gosh thanks Lynda. I feel like until you've lived with a 'narc' as you say, it's hard to believe what they're capable of. It's sort of a waste of my breath. I feel like a fraud. People won't believe me, because I was raised in a very conservative middle class family, and people just turned the other way. How do you explain absolute madness. Ironically my beautiful mum suffers from a psychotic illness and yet my father was the nut! She just had terrible luck. My father idolised my rapist and as you can imagine that messed with a little girls head. In my immature self I felt like he was giving him permission to do what ever he wanted to, to his daughter. "Here mate, she's all yours", is how it felt.
I really feel for you with the sensitivity of your triggers. When trauma is interpersonal people are scary. I totally get your reactions.
I had a breakdown this year and I was hospitalised. It felt shit. Was one of my lowest points.
I'm trying to stay positive, but naturally I am scared for my future and sad for my past.
I'm just a girl in the suburbs people walk past. Maybe some days I pass as normal. Before I was hospitalised I disclosed my trauma to a close mate a few months before. What really made me sad was she said, " I always suspected you had a terrible bleak tale to tell because nothing added up".
That made me really sad. I guess evidence is more easily picked up on than I like to admit.
Thank you for your kind words. I hope some gentle peace comes your way.
Hi Cornstarch. Thank you for your kindness too. I always felt no-one would ever believe me either because, to the 'outside' world, my dad was the perfect uncle, father, son (to his mother). When my cousins or any visitors arrived, dad would play with us (me included), he would laugh, joke and you would never have believed his incredible cruelty when we were once again just 'four'. He was devoted to cricket and would spend hours coaching, umpiring etc. As far as the sexual abuse inflicted by my male sibling went, my dad went to his grave not knowing. Your father should have protected you, you were his daughter. Unfortunately, the 'narc' side of him would've stopped him because he possibly wouldn't have been able to choose between you and his friend. With narc's, they have to be 'in charge', this often prevents others from 'seeing' what is under their nose. If the narc cannot control outsiders, they instead turn nasty on their families because quite simply, it's easier to control immediate family than it is to have to choose. The family often has to 'put up' with unpleasant outside friends of the narc because he has to be seen to be 'perfect'. He will often choose people who will sympathize with his undying efforts to be seen to be the perfect, loving, caring devoted 'family orientated man'.
I actually sympathize both with narc's and their families because narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health disorder usually undiagnosed due to denial on the part of the narcissist themself. Getting away is a work of art, being believed is also a work of art. Because of my close male friend, I was listened to and believed. I believe you and wish you well in your journey of regrowth and harmony in your now life.
Possibly you're a more highly evolved human being than me because I'm not at the stage yet where I can see the 'narcs' side just yet. Everyone is so different with their sex abuse. A close friend was raped by her cousin in her early childhood for years and she told me, "I have no anger and I think that's my problem". She has debilitating depression but yet cannot feel angry, she just feels numb. She's 51.
Yet me thrashes her limbs like a crazy person.
Grief has its natural course, and to be raped by a father figure, in front of his wife (a mother figure to me) and justified by my own father as 'mateship', is a fair bit to get my small head around.
As you can imagine I isolate myself at times, wander off in a dissociative day dream and can appear weird to the untrained eye. In the end I don't care how I look.
On a positive note 2016 has delivered me a great psychiatrist. Being a curiosity can attract curious minds. In terms of the types of conservative personalities that medicine sometimes allures he's a rebel. I love left of centre kinda people, they instil confidence in me that there are people out there that question norms and expected ways of viewing the world. Has our Prime Minister not preached 'innovative' thinking, or at least a spirit of questioning the done and the known.
Maybe I am my very own diagnosis.
What matters most is how I see myself.
Thanks for your white light here's some star dust xxx
Hi Cornstarch. My ability to 'forgive' those who hurt me has only come about in the last few years. I am 65 and for years was where you are now. As I mentioned my close male friend was a godsend in my darkest hours. Through his wisdom and constant caring and guidance, I was able to 'let go' of the destructive negative hurt as I realized I was hurting me more than those who abused me. The people who hurt me carried on with their life, leaving me with the feeling of 'not being good enough'. I was initially informed that everytime I cried or felt bad, it meant my abuser had 'won'. This is total crap. In any abuse there are no winners or losers. There are the abusers (who seldom change) and there are victims. Yes, you are grieving for the child who couldn't be protected, for the anger you feel for the betrayal. Allow yourself time to grieve allow yourself the right to be angry. Hopefully your psych has experience in this field. He will help you grieve and also help you 'love' you. You need to learn to love yourself and not be ashamed of loving yourself. Don't be afraid of being angry with your father. It's important to vent the anger where the hurt and betrayal started. Ask your psych to help you 'tell' your father what you feel.
Get some help letting the sunshine through. Sunshine means healing.