Narcissistic father - how to deal with the situation

[KC12]

Hi,

Since I left home to live overseas, my parents have gone through several issues and separations up until this year when they finally broke up. During all this time my father has kept trying to put my sister and myself against my mother and he has overall been very disrespectful. I am nearly 30 and I live on the other side of the world but he continues to bring up all the issues nearly every week, text me at night, calling me to talk about himself and seeking attention. He is continuously portraying himself as the victim, accusing my mother and my sister of things that I really know they aren't true. It actually hurts my mental health as I suffer from depression and anxiety and really don't know how to navigate the situation...he would leave me alone for three days but then back again with the same story and I just can't take it anymore. Every time we have spoken on the phone is to listen to him complaining about his job even though he still has a job after the hard lockdown and I have been unemployed for 3 months because of COVID. I called him recently to let him know that I had finally found a job and it took him a minute to turn the conversation and focus it on him and back to his attention-seeking stories.

Everyone keeps saying to me that I shouldn't let it affect me as much but at the end of the day he is my father and he was a good father but he hasn't been these years and honestly doesn't think he will change. He believes his own lies and everyone is wrong and he is right in his head. I keep feeling that I have to message him back every time he talks to me even when I don't feel like it, mainly because I want to avoid a bigger problem. I recently got married and I just want to live my life and stop letting him have such a huge influence in my life because he will destroy it.

Sorry for the rant, there's obviously a lot more to it but I really can't bring myself to relive all those situations because it's emotionally draining, I just want some guidance and advice about how to live better knowing that this is the father I have got and he is not going to change.

[Lostinthisworld]

In a similar boat but it's my partner's father

He treats her poorly and if I show any dislike to him I get in trouble.

I think it's great you can see your father for what he is and it will protect yourself and future kids and relationships if you recognise this behaviour and do not tolerate it.

Tell your father that you are not interested in supporting his delusion and pitty and if that's all he wants from a relationship with his daughter than no thank you.

You don't want to have to out up with him mistreating your children.

Be brutally honest

Good luck