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My world is spinning out of control
I’m 45 and a Mum of 2 girls... 5.5 & 8.
My depression has got so bad and I’m currently in the middle of changing medications.
my husband and I fight all the time and infront of the kids!
My girls are scared of me because of things I say and do! I love them so much it breaks my heart to see what I’m doing to them.
This morning my husband said to have a sleep in as I’m really unwell and the medication detox is giving me brain zaps and vertigo.
It wa as nightmare. He refused to get up and the time I do and the girls spent the whole morning being yelled at. I was so angry he asked me something and didn’t like the answer I have gave so he called me a dickhead. I burst a fuse and punched the wall and put my fist through it.
My youngest was crying saying she’s scared and this made me even more angry... I just can’t cope anymore.
I have no feelings towards my husband at all to the point I can’t look at him.
i feel like I’ve ruined my kids lives and I don’t deserve them at all.
They are such sweet, gentle girls and I feel I’ve now given them a lifetime of issues because of mine.
I want to just run away as I can’t be here anymore. I can’t live without my husband but I can’t live with him.
Mum sad and depressed all the time and wish I didn’t exist.
i know I need help but I feel like I’m puncihung myself and deserve punishment by my kids hating me. I don’t deserve their love or them.
l feel it’s just all too late and what’s done is done and this is my life now...
im scared and feel so alone !!
It's so good you've found Beyond Blue (forums). Welcome!!
Ahh, you are so crying out in pain. I do feel for you and want to let you know you're not alone. Believe me. People who respond to posts on the forums are not counsellors or therapists, they are friendly, caring and supportive people who've experience with mental illness. Depression affects everyone in different ways and can have an impact on those around us.
I read in your post that you are so frightened for your children. This is so understandable. Though you need to be kinder and gentler with yourself too because detoxing is not easy. Are you seeing a doctor or therapist while you're detoxing from medication? It certainly sounds like you need to see someone to talk through what you're experiencing at the moment. You don't have to go it alone.
Once you and your body have settled from the changes it's going through, you might like to do something special with your kids and hubby. Something that you don't usually do together, but would be nice to do. And to talk through what's happening. I know they are young 5.5 and 8, though I'm sure they'd love to have you sit with them and for you to tell them how much you love them and that it's not their fault. That you are sick but will get better with help.
Please come back here when you are able to let me know how you are getting on.
P.S. Have a read through the Beyond Blue forums - do a search for depression, detoxing.
Or to the thread Treatments, health professionals and therapy and ask Dr Kim a question about what you experiencing while you're detoxing.
I am seeing my go whilst detoxing and he is amazing and caring. I’m currently trying a new medication but coming off the old has horrible side effects.
Insat my girls down last week and said mummy is very sick and is taking medicine to help her feel less angry and not yell so much! My 5.5 year old said I don’t think they are working yet!! Lol she’s such a caring soul. They said don’t worry mummy we love you !
I don’t feel like being anywhere near my husband and haven’t for a very long time.
Thus scares me because I could never cope alone.
Mira my daughters birthday tomorrow and she’s having a small party adfer school at the park.
She wants to go for breakfast before school too! I’m hoping the dizziness has gone by tomorrow.
i went to see my gp last night and he gave me something to take incase I need to help with the dizziness.
im scared of ruining my daughters birthday!
i have an amazing life, we are financially secure with investments for our future. A big beautiful new house, 2 amazing beautiful kids. I shouldn’t feel like this.
I cant work I sleep all day everyday and miss out on everything because I don’t want to be near my husband.
i can understand it from his point of view, he has supported me for so many years and i refuse to get help. I’m too scared to tell a therapist the things I’ve said and done. Incase they take my kids away. I’m so embarrassed by my behaviour that I worry if the neighbours can hear me!!
I feel stuck and alone and have this constant fear that I’m never going to get these images out of my kids heads!! Is it to late are they going to see me as this unsupportive mother. Are they going to look back on their childhood and hate me!
i really feel they’d all be better off without me.
life is becoming so hard, hard to exist and hard to breathe.
the days are so long and the weeks and months drag. I’m constantly in bed or going to bed. I feel like this isn’t living and I can’t keep going !!
I can relate to a lot of what you have written, I’ve just started new medication and had to taper off my anti-depressants quickly as they were making me feel much worse... the detox has been horrible, I don’t even know who I am at the moment! I have young kids and I’ve been so cranky with them lately, have been trying them hide my sadness and depression from them but on the weekend my 3yo said ‘are you a bit sad Mummy?’ and it made me feel awful!
I can’t offer much advice other than you should definitely consider talking to a therapist. You sound so stressed and frustrated and tired - perhaps talking to a professional would help? And perhaps also marriage counselling? I friend of mine was on the verge of leaving her husband recently, the way she spoke about him was very similar to you, and through marriage counselling they have managed to work through their issues and everything seems to be OK now. At least they’re both committed to improving things.
Also are you able to get some help with the kids to give yourself a break? If your husband isn’t helping maybe someone else can?
Try not to be too hard on yourself. Your kids would not be better off without you, they love their Mum and they want her to get well!
I realy feel for you at the moment, your world seems so bleak and you think it is all your fault. Although my circumstances were different I too have felt that way. I ended up believing that my family would be better off without me too, that my behavior had poisoned things and there really was no where to go.
I was wrong in the same way you are wrong. You have under all that distress and anguish a loving nature and a sense of fairness. The name you chose here talks of your love, as does your post. That your 5.5yo could make that comment shows - as you say -she is a caring soul and just as importantly is not scared of you. They both said "don’t worry mummy we love you". This is a testimony to how well they have been loved and the examples they have been set in their young lives.
If they see you upset they hurt - which is how it should be. You are working towards being less upset, not just in front of them, but all the time. If I am anything to go by you will get there.
Depression narrows the focus of our thoughts to a few bad things and lets self-blame and feelings of helplessness and failure grow out of all proportion. Like you there were up-sides to my life, but they made no difference. You are transitioning meds, which can be a horror time. I had one I can remember from years ago I'd not want to remember even now.
You have a great GP, that is a wonderful thing, and lets you know you are not ignored and gives hope. You can come here and talk frankly, confident there are others in the world who have felt the same and come though - and will understand and talk.
I'd like to mention crisis lines, places you can ring or webchat when feeling overwhelmed, they are not just for suicidal thoughts, though they do that too. There is our own 24/7 Help Line on 1300 22 4636 and one I really recommend the Suicide Call Back Service on1300 659 467, as I said it is no big deal to contact them.
Anger from frustration and pain and despair is hard to overcome all by oneself, you will need help one way or another, I'd suggest telling your doctor some of it, not straight away everything so you worry about your kids but enough to show what needs fixing.
You are not the bad person you think, and we care as do your kids. So talk here as much as you would like, whenever you feel the need
Thanks for your reply...
i feel so overwhelmed right now and so scared to talk to someone in the fear they say I’m unfit to parent my kids and take them awau.
I explained it to the kids that mummy’s brain doesn’t work well sometimes and I need help by taking medicine to make it work better again. I said my anger is in no way their fault and will get better it’s bust going to take a bit of time and I need them to try to just keep doing what they do and try not to worry!
I love them so much it rips my heart out what I’m putting them through. I want to find a cousellor but everyone I’ve been to doesn’t feel right and I feel like a failure.
i so so sad it’s draining and tiring.
Tomoorw is my daughters birthday and it’s going to be super hard putting on a happy face and hosting a party.
Half the people are going to want to come back to my place after and I can’t have it. That’s why I’m having it at a park because I can’t deal with guests right now. They brush me off all the time and I end up giving in and not coping...
my house is a pig sty as I’ve done nothing for weeks and I don’t want that pressure on myself that’s why I’m having it at the park.
i sound ridiculous going on and on but I know what will happen and I said to my husband no one is to come back. He said if they ask I’ll just say to ask you. I said can’t you just say no for me. He said no because I don’t say no they are welcome back here.
im so stressed about what could be but hasn’t happened yet as it always turns out the way it happens in my head as I don’t have someone to back me up...
this is all making me feel so sick in my stomach on top of the dizziness and brain zaps...
i cant function
my kids haven’t had a proper meal in weeks and I feel so guilty. They are bad eaters anyway and I just can’t stand the thought of cooking for them to say I don’t want it.
So many things going on in my head right now. It’s just all too much to deal with!
I feel like I’m faking life?
not sure if that makes sense to anyone?
do I really love my kids or am I just pretending to care incase later on I realise I do care and have less guilt as to how I’ve treated them.
thsts sounds so crazy I know but I can’t help
but doubt myself all the time.
i doubt my motives my motives.
They are due home from school soon and I’m still in bed...
That last post sounds so familiar, the bit about loving or pretending.
Questioning one's motives.
It is horrible, it is corrosive, it unjustified. I felt like that. Nothing was solid, nothing I could rely upon. I did not know myself - or if I thought I did it was something bad.
At the time I knew all the thoughts were mine. Later I found they were not, they were depression taking over and pretending to think for me, and doing it so well I could not tell the difference.
Your doubts will ease and you will see yourself as a better person as time and treatment takes hold.
OK so your house is a mess. That's not permanent.
Hang in there, it gets better
I don’t care my house is a mess I just don’t want people over tomorrow after the party! I’m not in the right space to have people in my house. My husband doesn’t get it. I just want to finish the party and come home. His family will turn up late and the party will be nearly over and they’ll feel it’s their right to come and visit to see my daughter because they made the effort to come to her party. Even if they were late.
I need to stay strong and just say no but it’s so hard they’ll be like don’t worry if your not well you go to bed we’ll be fine!! Blah blah I’ve heard it all before!!