My wife said she wanted to leave me

Steves_1987 · ‎26-04-2019

Hi all I’ll be as explanatory as possible with this.

So in November last year my wife said she wanted to leave me. I’ve dealt with mental health issues for most of my life I take medication for it. I have anxiety and ocd which makes it difficult as well. But in November last year things came to a halt. I’ve had issues with spending money and it put us under some stress my ocd had also been the cause of some issues as well. Because I buy a lot of music I was leaving my packages all over the house not putting them away was raking up the lounge room wouldn’t let my wife anywhere in the house near the stuff because I was afraid it would get damaged. She asked me to go get help I agreed to and got an increase on my medication together we worked through my ocd stuff I would say it has improved markedly over the last few months. We went away on a holiday which we needed and the year started ok but the last 3 months I’ve been dealing with chronic pain and have recently had to go back on strong pain medication. I’m on blood pressure medication as well due to other health issues and most recently my wife just told me she wanted to leave me again I thought things were going along great. Last week I had snapped at her and I think it bought up emotions regarding how I sometimes speak to her i don’t intentionally talk to her bad I just don’t think sometimes but recently I think without me realising it has gotten bad. I think I’m not coping emotionally with the pain I go through each day with my back in trying to work and get through the day I feel like I’ve run a marathon. I know my wife is worried and concerned she’s scared I may not be able to work our finances are a mess and if I need another operation there is anxiety surrounding all of this. I understand that we both really wanted to be parents but we had to put this on the back burner as the issues with my back and her fertility. We went away to Sydney in the past few days for a break but it didn’t turn out as expected we came home and had another fight and she said she was done couldn’t do it I got angry and punched the wall. I also lashed out at her and pushed her on the lounge twice we wrestled I didn’t hit or punch her but I’m still disgusted at myself. I rang up to organise some marriage counselling she seems like she wants to go. We are on talking terms aren’t sleeping in the same room today she did say we will fix this. If she needed time to heal. I’m not sure what else to do really

blondguy · ‎27-04-2019

Hello Steves_1987

Welcome and thank-you for your heartfelt post too.

The forums are a safe and non judgemental place for you to post...Your well being and privacy is paramount on the Beyond Blue forums

I have had long term chronic anxiety followed by diagnosed depression and I understand the pain you are going through. I also used to be 'snappy' as well....until a girlfriend read me the riot act....(which I needed) I then started to really see my GP....a lot...and most of my initial appointments were doubles....just so I could try to heal my 'tired' mind and slowly learn to be be gentle with myself and others

You are proactive with your health and your relationship by seeking counseling and good on you!

You have asked your wife if she wants to marriage counseling which is excellent. You mentioned that your wife 'seems' like she wants to go which is also good news

Please excuse the questions Steve......Can I ask how often you see your counselor/GP? You are going through a rough time....You can help your health and also provide peace of mind to your wife by having super frequent appointments....Monthly is good....Fortnightly is great and Weekly is excellent

Anger flare ups can be a sign of a tired or exhausted mind Steve...Saying that you have decided to engage in personal counseling on a super regular basis to reduce the anger will be a huge boost to your relationship 🙂

I also take meds combined with ongoing counseling/therapy Steve

any questions are welcome...there are many gentle people that can be here for you too!

I really hope you can stick around....if you wish to of course

be gentle and take care

Paul

Guest_365 · ‎27-04-2019

Thank you for being honest and open about your situation.

Chronic pain is very hard to deal with. Going on 16 months with chronic back pain it takes it toll. Unfortunately sometimes the pain doesn't go away so you need to find a way to manage it, either pain relief or relaxation techniques. It's not just the pain you need to manage its how you respond to it. What you've described with the incident with your wife may of been the breaking point. I hope your both ok.

Talking about how the pain affects you and how hard it is to deal with helps and sets expectations. I'd suggest being open about that firstly and then find your out let to cope. TV, a distraction, mindfulness apps anything to shift your focus on what you can control.

Try stay in the moment and not think about the future.

Reaching out and talking to someone is a great first step.

Steves_1987 · ‎27-04-2019

Thank you for your reply. It’s very hard for me to talk because I’m too proud to admit there is a problem so coming forward to a forum like this was a huge step for me. I guess I’m cluctching at straws because I want to fix what’s broken with my marriage. My wife said yesterday we will fix this but she would need time so I said I would respect that she needs time to heal how much time I’m unsure. It’s hard for me to function at the moment. I have to meet work commitments otherwise the bills won’t get paid. My health has gone down in the past 18 months I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes nearly a year ago I had put off getting a blood test for months as I procrastinated due to fear. My wife kicked me up the bum to finally get it done. Last year she made the decision to get weight loss surgery and she’s done amazing losing 70kgs I then decided I needed to do this for my health to get it back on track. So in July I will be going into have the same surgery. Since I started in my new career over 5 years ago Ive piled on the weight made poor lifestyle choices. Then add the issues with my back again it’s hard really hard. In answer to your question about how many times I go to my gp. I see my regular gp at a bulk billing clinic but at the moment it’s hard to see her regularly as she’s quite popular and you have to book in. I have to see a walk up doctor fortnightly to get scripts for my pain killers. Trying to see a psychologist is hard I started in January but then didn’t go back due to the cost so I’m trying to look for a bulk billing option. I know this needs to be a priority to see one regularly I need to get on top of my emotional state. I want to show my wife I’m working towards the goal of fixing this. The counsellor will be calling me next Wednesday to organise both of us to get into a marriage counsellor so I’m hoping this will take place ASAP.

white knight · ‎27-04-2019

Hi Steve

I wont tepeat Pauls advice. Please follow it.

There is hope. Use google on these and tead he first post

Beyondblue Topic relationship strife, the peace pipe

beyondblue Topic anxiety, how I eliminated it

Beyondblue Topic who cares for the carer?

Beyondblue Topic the financial world of snakes and ladders

Ok, three more things

-promise your wife you will never touch her in anger again

- consider moving to relieve financial pressure

- poor financial management is usually a side symptom of mental illness. Consider passing more spending decisions onto your wife. We have to "own" our weaker points.

Google

Beyondblue Topic a move to the country? Why not.

If you both consider the above two posts you have a good chance of saving your marriage.

TonyWK

Steves_1987 · ‎03-05-2019

The sad thing now Tony is my wife walked out last Saturday she didn’t come home last Saturday night I found out she had gone to a friends place. Sunday I can home from work to find the house unlocked and all her clothes, shoes and jewellery gone. She had gone off with all that. I’ve tried to reconcile with her and I promised her I would never act out in anger towards her again. Everything I’ve said about betting help she has dismissed it. I sought a work psychologist out on Monday as it’s provided through work to deal with this he suggested I go stay with my parents to make sure I was getting self care. He also suggested going to my gp for a full check up and calling the dv line. I called the dv line to get a debrief on what had occurred. My wife had gone to visit my parents on the Monday night apparently she said still loves me and all that. She only wanted to converse via email which has been happening this week only to sort the bills out. I’m mentally not on a good place today I’ve broken down. I had stayed with a friend last night. It kind of helped me take my mind off but I can’t keep thinking all my actions have caused what’s happened. I think my wife has changed since she got her weight loss surgery. Only two weeks ago we were happy laughing all that my little things I had to fix in our relationship I was working on my ocd, speaking to her better. She had asked me to seek some care to deal better with my back pain emotionally which I had done I sought an accupuncturist to help with this saw him this week he explained about pain and pain killers. What it will do especially when you’re taking anti depressants . I tried explaining this to my wife she wasn’t interested. She won’t even agree to go to counselling and I know I can’t make her but what can I do what can I do to change her mind. She told me it was over on Monday she said she made her choice. But I can’t believe she’s wanting to walk away from 7 years together because of what happened or the issues how ever she’s feeling. You can’t just throw away a marriage and go it’s in the too hard basket. It wasn’t meant to be easy. I’m at a lost

white knight · ‎03-05-2019

Hi Steve

Often in these separations bad memories harbour resentment that leads to a "straw that broke the camels back" fragility. Sorry to say this but prevention is better than cure.

Your wife has her right to call it a day and move on. This will be still hard for her but might have a relief aspect to her decision also unlike your own. " You can’t just throw away a marriage and go it’s in the too hard basket" - yes she can.

In terms of taking meds that are mixed or other claims of actions that are effecting your judgement, such things arent significant enough to make a difference to her imo. Thats a reflection of her lost tolerance.

You will feel numb for some time before daily activities, distraction, take hold. Give it time. Find a direction.

As a suggestion saying less means more. Pledging your love becomes less effective if repeated for example. And once its all said, wait. If she stands her ground you'll have to accept she doesnt want reconcilliation.

Sorry to be the bearer of not so good news.

TonyWK

Billyc · ‎03-05-2019

Hi Steve,

Im sorry for what your going through. And your wife for that matter.

it sounds like she still cares for you, but sometimes that ain’t enough! Their can be silver linings in your chaos, but it sounds like your some way off from seing them.

If I could provide some words of help, start finding the source of your personal issues yourself, focus on the controllables.. and that’s you and your issues, small steps work on one problem at a time that belongs to you and you alone, that might Ben your back, your challenge with OCD, your own finances.. start taking those burdens off your wife and look after them yourself. One by one. Let your wife do her thing and find some. Balance on her life. Violence can happen when someone is not getting their way,

Maybe if you focus on the controllables than soon with a bit of momentum she might Ben start seing progress again, and you can both start thinking about your relationship again.

hope that helps,

eitherway, I understand your in a tough spot and wish you all the best getting through it,

best