My wife hates me.

[Qball66]

My wife of 20 years hates me ( she told me ). I love her dearly and always will. I have my faults and I'm not perfect - but I've been a good provider for my family and always treated them with love and respect. I'm feeling powerless and depressed and don't know what to say or do. I'm not suicidal, but I feel that I'm starting to spiral out of control and don't know where to turn next.

I adore her and would love to be able to find the girl I married 20 years ago 😞

[Petal22]

Hi Qball66,

Wellcome to our forums.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way and for what your wife said to you, I understand that this wouldn't have felt very nice to hear.

Have you been able to speak to your wife about this?

I understand that you love and respect your family and have always provided for them which is a wonderful attribute.

I understand that you feel powerless, we can't always control what other people do or say but what  we can always control is our reaction to it..... that's where our power is.

Build yourself up within yourself Qball66 and give yourself self love.

Have you thought about talking to your gp about the way you are currently feeling?

[Duesentrieb]

Maybe you could ask her why she hates you and how to make things better…. For a start 

[white knight]

Long term relationship fatigue in that familiarity breeds contempt ... in some people. This is disheartening for you and more so that it isn't your fault.

It's rare that such relationships return to their former glory so be prepared but you can try a few things.

1. absence makes the heart grow fonder. Give her space
2. Praise her more, be her friend.
3. Seek counselling,  if she won't go then go alone but if alone don't share your meetings, if she wants to know she can choose to accompany you.

Good luck.

TonyWK 

[tranzcrybe]

Wife of 20 years, and that's the FIRST time she told you that?
I think you either have a solid relationship or maybe not listening carefully enough for the early warning signs. Lashing out is unpleasant but often a sign of frustration when partner misses the subtle signs along the way that the other is not beng supported or heard. I can justify this claim in your last comment "to find the girl I married 20 years ago " - why should your wife remain the same person? Have you not changed also?
As you both change and grow, needs and opinions will shift like the dunes. The important thing is that you share that journey together through thick and thin. She doesn't hate you, but sounds troubled and needs your love for the person she is right now, not some memory of the past that she might even be competing with on a daily basis.

[ecomama]

Hey Qball

Great replies so far. 

You could:
~ book Marriage Counselling. Let her know the date and time. If she doesn't show up, use this session for yourself. 

~ search online for "the 180 Strategy". It's time to focus on yourself as well. 

Hope you pop back in and let us know how things are going
EM

[Juliet_84]

People fall in love in tiny moments over time and they also fall out of love in tiny moments over time. Your wife didn’t fall in love with you because you answered your phone one time when she needed it, she fell in love with you because you were always there for her and made her feel safe and secure (insert your own examples). Women fall out of love for the same reasons, seemingly small things done over a period of time that make them feel a certain way, be it uncared for, taken advantage of, not seen etc. It could be that you talked over her during an argument and she was left feeling unheard, she never felt like she was a consideration, or the housework was always left for her to do. These are just examples but people need to be constantly aware of their partners feelings during situations as most people show their displeasure in one way or another. When that displeasure is ignored, it accumulates and the person starts falling out of love. They say women leave a relationship at least 1-2 years before she physically leaves and during that time they are usually desperately hoping that something will change but also emotionally distancing with each incident. No one usually relishes the thought of moving and leaving their home and their partner. Unless of course one of the parties is having an affair, but even then some form of unhappiness usually precipitates the affair. I think your best approach is to level with your wife, place any ego at the door and ask her why she’s unhappy and what you can do to fix it. And really listen to what she tells you. You mention that you have your faults and you’re not perfect, but brush over what that is. Do you mind sharing with us what some of the issues are so we can more accurately provide feedback?

[geoff]

Hello Qball, wouldn't it be lovely if we never changed over the years, but our habits, looks, agility and thoughts differ than when we first met 20 years ago, life and our existence forces this to happen for many reasons.

Even when having an argument, words are said that normally wouldn't be said, I'm sure most of us have said them, even though we love them and sometimes they are said to make us do something else and as soon as this happens then 'it's love again'.

If you are suffering from some type of depression, then after a while your wife may be wondering what she can do and if all fails, then her attitude towards you may change, this happened with me, but you can change how she feels only if you get the help you need to understand why this has happened and sometimes we never know why, however she may realise, but trying to get someone suffering to actually accept and understand that help is needed, may not be easy.

Have a talk with your doctor and tell your wife that you going to get the help needed, may then stop her from saying this, but help needs to go both ways, in order for you to recover.

Geoff.

Life Member.