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My wife fell out of love with me without me realising

GeorgeAD
Community Member

So I am not a huge believer in the stages of grief, but apparently, for the past two years, I have been in denial. It all started when I noticed my wife wasn't saying "I love you" back when I would say it to her. I asked her about it casually and apparently she hasn't been happy for some time and she was ready to leave. Obviously this was a shock to me but she had been thinking about it for some time. She had already dealt with it before I had any time to react. I tried to talk it through with her. Offered for us to get some couples counselling but she was already done. Now she has given me an ultimatum to be out of the house by the end of the month. I will respect her wishes and am trying to find a place, I just dont feel like I am mentally in a place where I am ready to move on. I worry about how I am going to cope dealing with the breakdown of our marriage on my own. I have spent many nights in the spare room screaming into a pillow as to not wake our son. Crying in silence because I dont want to be a burden. I was coming to terms with it all until I found out she has started seeing someone else. I dont think she was when this all came to a head, but she was just so far ahead of me in the "moving on" process, she was already at that stage. I asked her (with the caveat that I know its not my place) whether she could hold off seeing anybody else until I have moved out and she responded that she would not discuss dating with me and I should respect her privacy. I feel like I am spiralling and any chance of us reconciling expired before I even knew there were issues. I dont know how to deal with the breakdown of our marriage and I worry about breaking down in front of our son. I just dont know a future without her but she has assured me there is no chance of reconciling as we are. I dont know how do deal with this pain

6 Replies 6

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

I've been thete, married, 2 daughters 7 and 4yo. I ended up, wisely, in my 10ft caravan in a local caravan park until I knew what I needed to do. Yes, the grief was unimaginable. I lost my full time fatherhood, neighbours, house etc.

I had my kids every 2nd weekend but the 1st 8 weeks was terrible. Then I spotted a block of land and my dream kit home. I learned my first lesson about grief- to let it flow and find activities/distractions. Keep busy. I was then too tired and mentally spinning to think of her.

During this period I also worked on my confidence. I worried so much about my kids their principal told me "kids are resilient much more than us." To help them best was to help myself. My father told me before he passed away "better to be the best part time dad in the world than no dad at all".

So, sure, grieve for your loss of stability and family, go through the process but allow her to live with her faults as she's human but also the mother of your son. If possible stay friends but that depends on both your nature.

I have threads below you can use Google. Please read the first post of each. We'll talk again.

Beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get

Beyondblue topic distraction and variety

Beyondblue topic worry worry worry

TonyWK

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello George and thanks Tony for your good comments.

Sometimes when we say 'I love you' we are hoping they can return the favour by doing the same, and this can happen on many occasions when you feel discomfort in your relationship and if they do repeat the saying, then our minds are put at ease, but when they don't only intensified our concern that there is a problem.

When she is determined for you to leave the house and has made up her mind, then any chance of counselling would be a difficult reach for her to even consider.

Being in your situation, I'm not sure you would be in any mind to accept this, I know I wasn't when my wife left me for the last time and knew something radical had to change, but I was unable to find that extra strength, until I was faced with divorce papers.

She has said ' there is no chance of reconciling as we are', but you don't know why this has happened, and being in denial doesn't mean who has actually been the cause of this or whether it's both of you, but the question still remains.

I'm sorry she might be seeing someone else because this only confuses the situation and doesn't necessarily answer anything.

I hope you have access to see your son, but the many questions going through your mind need to be discussed with a therapist because you can't rationalise them by yourself.

Take care.

Geoff.

GeorgeAD
Community Member
Thank you both for your posts. Fortunately, we were both determined to be amicable. I dont think either of us are trying to take time away from our son so we have agreed to split 50/50. I know I was the reason for her feeling this way. I became lazy and lethargic and just comfortable with things. Especially through covid and not leaving the house. I took her for granted and I see that now, I just wish I were given the opportunity to fix things before they got beyond reach. I know I should be grateful that things are ending okay, but I fell like one day things were fine and the next, I was filled with anger, sadness, frustration and an intense desire to turn back time and change things. Most of all I still love her, intensely. And to have that love unrequited feels like I have gone from a husband to an obsessive weirdo overnight. For clarity, I had a very damaging relationship in the past where I was cheated on multiple times. I know we have separated but we are living in the same house and the thought of her seeing someone else while I look after our child feels so demeaning. I feel so torn in that I want to leave so I am not feeling pain constantly, but I desperately want to stay because I love her so badly. I wish I had the finances white Knight did in order to find my own haven to call home. Unfortunately the only rental places available in my budget are horrible in the area. Which would mean moving further away and potentially making it more cumbersome for my kid to travel between households.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello George, it's good to hear back from you.

It's so easy to take things for granted when you are married, you naturally expect things to be done, but sometimes this isn't taken in to consideration when it's not and impossible to justify.

Whatever does happen, doesn't mean we don't love our spouse, may be annoyed and frustrated but these happen during a marriage and most of the time we are able to overcome these feelings, but when something does occur and changes the relationship, we only wish it could go back to years ago.

When and if she does see another person, doesn't mean they will get on, and realise the pain it causes your son and and realise some type of solution has to be found.

Are you able to live with another person, someone you know who just keeps to themselves and won't be asking questions.

Take care.

Geoff.

Hi George

It's hard to believe but I was quite clever in that when I saw that land I used my credit card for a deposit then secured a loan on the balance. Then the kit home was a home loan. Agreed not everyone can do that.

I suppose it's my determination I built up that I was expressing no matter the course you take.

I'm pleased you and your wife are amicable.

TonyWK

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi George,

It’s often said that a woman leaves a relationship two years before the relationship actually ends. I think we go through a period of denial first and then detachment so as to make the pain less and finally acceptance. Unfortunately for you, you haven’t had the opportunity to detach and so are feeling the full force of this news as well as the frustration of not being given an opportunity to resolve the issues I presume? Unless she did try and communicate the things that she was needing and it fell on deaf ears?You may have felt happy and then suddenly blindsided but the reality is that your wife wasn’t. She has now met someone else and so that makes reconciliation less likely. A lot of us have dealt with the crushing heartache that goes along with the breakdown of a long term relationship or marriage. And just about all of us thought we wouldn’t survive it at the time. But the reality is that we did and we have discovered new and often better lives than we could have imagined. When I left my long term partner, I left with the clothes on my back and had to get a new apartment in a new suburb, plus a new job and had new clothes etc. everything felt unfamiliar, but over time it became my home. After awhile your new situation becomes the new normal. Being on your own for a time afterwards will be difficult but it won’t be forever. My advice is to be gentle with yourself and just hang in there and try to focus on getting through the days at the moment.