- Beyond Blue Forums
- Caring for myself and others
- Relationship and family issues
- My wife doesn't support me , am I being dramatic?
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Mark Topic as New
- Mark Topic as Read
- Pin this Topic for Current User
- Printer Friendly Page
My wife doesn't support me , am I being dramatic?
Been together for 15 years married for 9 , 2 kids on the autism spectrum and things have been going downhill.
We have been having a great 2 months recently after I kind of got over a hurdle with her cheating on me while we were supposed to be separated , I told her it was over and she came back in my arms and ended whatever that relationship was with the other guy.
unfortunately this is not the first time she has gone behind my back and over the years being with her I still have all those thoughts in my head and I can't let go.
i am on anti depressants and now epilepsy medication , I have sleeping issues and anxiety attacks .
i am really struggling day to day to be positive about everything and I try to put on a brace face but I am really just falling apart inside.
as I have been great with my wife I am now realizing I have gotten to a point where I feel like I am doing the max I can to keep my wife happy but I still feel inside that allthough she tells me 5 times a day she loves me so much I still remember 2 months ago where she said to me "I don't love you anymore and I want a divorce ".
I have worked so hard to keep this family going but I just feel I am being excluded from my life and all I am doing now is being a slave .
I work shift work 7 days on 7 days off, I practically don't see my family all those days and when I do have days off she plans to go out .
I don't know , I cook I clean, do the washing of clothes etc , she told me she needed more help but after I do these things for her she comes home irritable , being abrupt sometimes and threatening to sleep in the other room. I got a house cleaner for one day of the weeks I'm off.
she never wants to spend time with my friends or family, she spends so much time with her friends and family , seems quite odd.
she plans things without me and then tells me a day or two before the day she's doing this and I have no notice to put in leave or get day off, so I am constantly missing out on everything and when I do it's quite an average event .
she drinks a lot with her friends but when we finally do something together she has 1 or 2 . she acts completely different and portrays herself as a different person to others and all the time I feel I have Dr Jekyll and me Hyde effect happening.
Her negative remarks are ten times worse than her telling you that she loves you, because any bad comments only mean one thing, instead of saying that she loves you, which can be flexible, in other words she may love you one day but then the next day she maybe cross with you or even hate you.
Shift work is not easy to cope with, but it doesn't mean that your wife can go and have an affair, however you were able to overcome this and try to get back to family life, but there are too many questions you are asking yourself day in day out and specifically when you are at work, which must be tormenting you.
I know that you have a family which makes this situation very difficult, especially as you work shift work, but when she goes out with her friends and drinks alcohol you aren't sure what actually happens, and I'm sure she wouldn't tell you.
We take antidepressants for a reason but they won't help you to overcome this situation, but they will help you to think clearer so that you can make a decision whether you trust her or whether it's very doubtful that she does love you and will be faithful only to you.
Sometimes people will continually tell their spouse or partner that they love them, not once a day but several times a day, but is this because they want to flood you because they have have done something wrong.
I know what I would do, but it's not up to me to decide, it's something you need to think about, trust or no trust. Geoff.
I am sometimes standing there asking myself what I have done that was so bad I deserved to be thrown down like this .
she is also 6 years younger than me , I sometimes wonder if the age gap is also an issue as she still hangs with the younger groups and going to 21st birthdays instead us being around our average ages .
it feels as though I'm on an 90/10 see-saw in her favor and as much as I would like to believe , every time I try to push it in my favor she puts up walls and I'm am back there again.
ontop of all this uncertainty I am still left with the overwhelming pressure of anxiety which I have been struggling on my own with no support and it's hard not having anyone to talk to.
i think I know what I need to do but I'm afraid to be alone, I'm afraid that my kids won't understand , I never ended a relationship in my life I have always stuck it out to the end , I know back in the day I was a very generous fun loving guy surrounded by friends , I don't want to be the guy who just gave up , but I know it's eating me away and just thinking of leaving causes me high levels of anxiety.
i don't want to have to worry about her the rest of my life and I don't want to bare this pain from the cheating she has done .
I'm am generally relaxed when I wake up and then 5 mins in I start spinning with thoughts and by the end of the day I am so wound up that I try to sleep and I have to worry about waking my wife up from having a panic attack in my sleep and she gets angry, I don't mean it but yeah .
I think I need a break or something , sorry for the vent it's just nice to have someone that bounces back some thoughts
Hi OU, welcome
I agree with Geoff's wisdom here.
I had a similar situation with my first wife. She didn't have an affair but she was 10 years my junior, very lazy and I worked 3 jobs so she'd be a stay at home mum. Plus I got home after 12 hours night shift to change nappies and do housework.
Well it lasted 11 years and my breaking point steered me towards suicide plans. I also worked shift work.
I want you to know that you are not a superman.
A change to a daily job might be a good move?
For many of us we could not trust again if our spouse had an affair. That's your call. But as Geoff mentioned its the disrespect that would be hard.
If, you feel there is no way you can remain with her then remember to care for yourself. Your children need you and you need to remain strong.
My eldest was 7yo when my marriage split. She's now 28. I'll walk her down the aisle next June. I wonder who would have done that had I not been strong?
We are here if it develops ...with open ears.
Thanks tony for the kind words.
its hard not to get down about it, some hints at my unhappiness is when I am driving along and remember a thought I know of her slip ups I know the details exactly and I get this sudden anger and I plant my foot.
i am worried that this is controlling me more than I am aware . I'm not perfect either but I always hoped that your wife would grow with you not up and down like a yo yo.
i count 4 times she's cheated on me, how does one keep a relationship going especially under these conditions.
the thing that ticks me off is when she sends me pics she saved of comments pics saying things like "I love you" I will always be there for you and be loyal " How does one send something like that, did she not read that part? it just reminds of her being unfaithful.
we went out for octoberfest a night out with some friends a little while ago and while I was out I had a girl come up to me and started talking about a fresh tattoo I just recently got, we just got talking and backwards about tattoos , my wife standing half a meter away cracks it reckons she's cracking on to me and storms off in a puff of smoke, I'm obviously not aloud to talk to other girls but rest of the time spent chasing her round 3 levels of nightclubs being the bar b****. We should have gone home that night but she wanted to continue out after promising to go home after OF, we went to a night club with 3 of her girlfriends and we got in they went to dance I stood by a wall watching them for 45 mins, so I left , she is also quite selfish in her ways always coming off 3rd important - family friends and then me .
Dear OU812. From where I'm standing your wife seems to, pardon the expression, 'want her cake' etc. She is obviously unhappy, but doesn't want to change the situation. It appears to be that as long as you continue to 'jump to attention', everything will stay as it is. You said you know what you need to do, but don't really wish to actually 'do anything'. No woman would tolerate this behaviour from their hubby, why should you tolerate it from your wife? I think you may have to overcome your apprehension re: marriage break-up which you don't want, and just ask her straight out what she wants. Both Geoff and Tony have made some valid points re: shift work vs marriage. I was married to a prison officer for over 20 years, we did have problems adjusting to the 12 hour shifts. In our case, lack of leisure time among other things, contributed to marriage problems. I feel no matter what you did for living, she would not be happy, she doesn't really seem to be as committed to you. It almost sounds as though she's telling you to 'toe the line, or else'. That is not a marriage that's a dictatorship. I get you don't wish to agitate, but continuing is not healthy for any of you. Whether you bring it to a head is your call, but neither of you is happy. Maybe suggest a temporary split and see how she reacts. If she opposes this, ask why she has opposed. It's going to hurt you, but the longer you let things go, the more hurt you will be. There are children involved who need stability which this situation is not bringing them. If she says she wants to stay, I suggest you may have to tell her her past actions have to cease as they are causing serious problems. She can't have it both ways.